02-10-2015, 12:09 PM
stage 1 day 26
Yesterday and the day before was very tough for me because I was obsessing over and planning to get high when I had the money. It was so intense that I felt surrendered to that idea. I planned it out to where when I get drug tested, I would admit that I was dirty and that they should save their money, and I'd pack my bags and leave and be homeless. I was planning on living out of my truck which already has a bunch of problems, and was committed to the idea that I'd be on the streets just so I could get high. WHAT CRAZINESS! How can any person's logical mind be so warped and twisted? I just did what was suggested to me by my peers in AA and at the sober house, and I talked about it with as many people as I could to take the power away from the feelings.
I'm pretty sure most of it was due to my addiction being so strong in my life and every inch of my being is resistant to being sober this long. I talked to my sponsor about it, and he confirmed that since this is the longest I've ever been sober, my body is indeed screaming for drugs and alcohol. It's not used to being free from the dependence on substances for 60 days. My subconscious mind and body are resisting the sobriety every way it can. I think this kind of ties in to the AM 6 program as a form of resistance. It was so intense, but I overcame it for the most part. No matter what, I can't give up on myself by reverting to an old, lesser version of myself via drugs and alcohol. I am a stronger person now, and am continuing to grow stronger.
Yesterday and the day before was very tough for me because I was obsessing over and planning to get high when I had the money. It was so intense that I felt surrendered to that idea. I planned it out to where when I get drug tested, I would admit that I was dirty and that they should save their money, and I'd pack my bags and leave and be homeless. I was planning on living out of my truck which already has a bunch of problems, and was committed to the idea that I'd be on the streets just so I could get high. WHAT CRAZINESS! How can any person's logical mind be so warped and twisted? I just did what was suggested to me by my peers in AA and at the sober house, and I talked about it with as many people as I could to take the power away from the feelings.
I'm pretty sure most of it was due to my addiction being so strong in my life and every inch of my being is resistant to being sober this long. I talked to my sponsor about it, and he confirmed that since this is the longest I've ever been sober, my body is indeed screaming for drugs and alcohol. It's not used to being free from the dependence on substances for 60 days. My subconscious mind and body are resisting the sobriety every way it can. I think this kind of ties in to the AM 6 program as a form of resistance. It was so intense, but I overcame it for the most part. No matter what, I can't give up on myself by reverting to an old, lesser version of myself via drugs and alcohol. I am a stronger person now, and am continuing to grow stronger.
