AM5 Journey

[ben123456305]

Stage 5 day 19 6/25/14
-found out my fav alcoholic drink is Guinness.
-my gramps is in the hospital. the vibe of the hospital is really sickening for me.
-When I was in the hospital something dawned to me. it was along the lines of "It is my own responsibility to get what I want. I have the ability to because im a part of the whole". It was really spiritual and i felt weird. a mix of calmness and assuredness in myself while fear for my gramp's life. the realization really gave me a feeling of having a purpose in life instead of feeling lost.

[ben123456305]

Stage 5 day 20 6/26/14
- No joke had a 4 stare at my crotch area on the train. when i got up she was staring at me as i was leaving too. She was really unattractive so it was very uncomfortable.

[SargeMaximus]

Stage 5 day 19 6/25/14
-found out my fav alcoholic drink is Guinness.
-my gramps is in the hospital. the vibe of the hospital is really sickening for me.
-When I was in the hospital something dawned to me. it was along the lines of "It is my own responsibility to get what I want. I have the ability to because im a part of the whole". It was really spiritual and i felt weird. a mix of calmness and assuredness in myself while fear for my gramp's life. the realization really gave me a feeling of having a purpose in life instead of feeling lost.

Every time I go to the hospital for myself I feel very grateful to be alive. Almost like I'm being held in the loving hands of the universe, or humanity. Seeing all the other people in hospitals who are worse off than me makes me sad and almost feel like I shouldn't be there, but in a grateful sort of way.

[ben123456305]

Stage 5 day 22 6/28/14
-morning-
I cant really say if the sub has any effect on me lol. the same goes with tapping.
-Extras-
damn really need to be more aware of my environment lol. I was at my female friend's house and there was not one home. could've made something happen prolly.

[ben123456305]

Stage 5 Day 23 6/28/14
-morning-
Had a really bad biking accident today. 3rd mile I fell and had pretty bad scrapes. In the past i would just bike back home and called it a day but today I thought "f*** it might as well finish" and "not letting this injury affect the ride". Kinda comes back to what sarge said about destroying his phone during his work out but still finishing it.
-tapping-
trying to work on neediness today and i hit a tough spot. Im trying ask myself what is stopping you from loving girls unconditionally" but my body would just stop half way. weird.

[SargeMaximus]

Kinda comes back to what sarge said about destroying his phone during his work out but still finishing it.

I destroyed my phone during a workout?

[ben123456305]

Lol might be someone else I'm not quite sure. It was in a m5 journal somewhere

[SargeMaximus]

Oh... it could have been my AM 5 journal. I put my phone through the wash back then. lol

[JackOfHearts]

You remind me someone Sarge.

[ben123456305]

Stage 5 day 27 7/1/14
-arguing with women is unnecessary and illogical. In fact why am i having a heated debate over something so trivial? or i lost the argument and trying to play it off? hmm...
Emotional(girls) cores vs logical (guys) cores?
edit:
1. She basically claimed how her opinion reflected the entire female population's opinion.
2. despite following her agenda i did get something out of it other than stop following women's agendas.

[ben123456305]

stage 5 day 30 7/4/14
-weird dream: i think i saw myself hand cuffed and forced to follow someone. i saw this and i was screaming about it or something similar.

[ben123456305]

Stage 5 day 34 7/8/14
-Lost one night, made up for it. starting stage 6 tonight.
- There's a new fire that lit up inside me recently: the urge to improve my self.
Fitness
-This Fire started with exercising, I just started a work out program using the exercises and progressions of convict conditioning (body weight exercises). I also started taking Tai Chi classes provided by my local library.
Tapping
-Tonight I had a semi subconscious urge to start tapping. I started to tap away the resistance to tap everyday.
"whats stopping you from tapping everyday?"
-This uncovered my fear to commit to anything because of my neediness to a girl back in freshman year of high school.
-the question also told me i have a fear of looking at my flaws because of the quick and angry tone in the answer.
After tapping away my fears, I promptly created a 30 day tapping challenge for myself almost on impulse. Tonight's session lasted a little over an hour. There was much yawning and tearing up in this session. Oddly enough I started to enjoy the session. I broke out in laughter on several occasions and acted like a child. This must have been the most enjoyable tapping session ever. I cant wait to continue tomorrow.

[ben123456305]

Stage 6 day 1 7/9/14
-I felt so useless today. Mental walls came down and i was forced to realize i was running away from my emotion of uselessness. My mind showed me how i was avoiding it with distractions.
-isolated myself because I felt like i need to focus on what i need instead of of being externally controlled by my friends and so on.

[ben123456305]

Stage 6 day 2 7/10/14
I feel really tired today probably because im getting used to the stage.
-Today I vented to myself about how bad my circumstances are. After i tapped on it i felt empty in a dont give a fuck about anything anymore mode.
-i feel like the bulk of AM just condensed into these few days which is odd.