AM 6

[Raz]

Stage 2 was a breeze. At least for the first three weeks. After that it was still OK, but my motivation and productivity plummeted again. Emotionally the past few days have been a bit rough around the edges, although nothing earth shattering. Just the normal "what is the meaning of this life, does it even matter what I do, I feel alienated" kind of thoughts when you face something internally challenging in the script and/or resist.

Time perception is different. Those 32 days, exactly like the first stage, felt incredibly stretched out. A lot longer than the previous months on 5.5G's.

Stage 3 starts tonight.

[Raz]

One night on Stage 3 and I am flooded with feelings of inadequacy. I am riding wave after wave of shame.

That promises to become an interesting and difficult 32 days.

[Raz]

Since starting this stage I am more and more horny, unlike during the previous two stages. Reminds me somewhat of DMSI ...

Now that comes to me as a surprise, since SM lead-in should start in stage 4.

[XyzN]

..........

[Raz]

Since starting this stage I am more and more horny, unlike during the previous two stages. Reminds me somewhat of DMSI ...

I experienced the exact same thing. After a few days on Stage 3, I was very horny for the week, even surprising my gf a lot. Though the hornyness did return to normal after that.

Good to know, that it is not only my imagination.

I think my horniness is abating, similar to what you described.

Interestingly, my body odor seems to be changing as well. Similar to applying androstenone but not completely the same. Describing scents is tricky, but I'd say it is more raw or wild if that makes any sense.

[Raz]

Another thing that is coming to my attention are certain friends.

There are some people in my life that are nice and friendly. I have done many things with those people, but hanging out with them has become more like a chore or a thing that has to be done rather than wanting to hang out with them. That has been evolving over the past year or so.

Now I see that we are simply not on the same wavelength anymore. We evolved differently. Not to hurt them I faded away gradually from their lifes ... or at least tried to. They still call and write and want to hang out. To be honest, I don't really know how to react to that. I don't want to do things with them but at the same time I don't want to hurt their feelings. I find it difficult to pull the trigger and tell them head on that our friendship is a thing of the past. That we are not the same persons we used to be.

At the same time it infuriates me that they don't get my subtle or not-so-subtle hints to leave me be.

Creative and wise ideas on how to handle that kind of thing tactfully are welcome.

[Raz]

Nothing much going on. I think there might be a number of subtle changes in my mindset but it is just out of reach of my conscious understanding.

I do feel a bit slow mentally, like handicapped or a bit stupid. I have had that some years ago when I did my first try of AM, which back then led me to stop the whole thing. Not gonna happen anymore because I am not afraid of it any longer. But I want to find some kind of workout routine for my mind, something that helps me train my mental muscles.

I don't know what is bringing this about, but I am doing a lot of Kegel excercises lately.

[Raz]

Still not really anything worth mentioning going on. That's kind of a let down since this stage is dubbed 'the big guns'. On the other hand I was a bit anxious about it being too rough, so I am relieved at the same time.

[Raz]

Hmm ... when I look at my dreams in the past week I see a trend that I don't really like. I always end up doing pathetic or stupid stuff. Like driving a car and crashing it, being dominated by others, having no control or running away in fear from Predator-the-Movie-like monsters instead of giving them an asswhipping. It is not really different from my dreams before, but I haven't really connected the dots up until now.

I don't really feel afraid of anything anymore. And that has been going on for at least a year now ... but it seems I still am. How am I supposed to deal with that if I don't feel a thing? Kinda strange.

[Raz]

Outwardly there is still not much noteworthy going on. I don't feel any new thought patterns or whatever subtle things emerging.

My dreams, on the other hand, are really epic. Lots and lots of struggles, symbolic themes and deep-seated emotional stuff. Calling the battle dreams creative eye-candy doesn't even come close to the actual awesomeness that unfolds before me.

[XyzN]

..........

[Raz]

Almost done with this stage.

It has been slightly unpleasant. No in-the-face ass-kicking resistance, but something cold and distant. Uneasy and detachedly hopeless. In colors freezingly bluish-white.

[DavisMind91]

Almost done with this stage.

It has been slightly unpleasant. No in-the-face ass-kicking resistance, but something cold and distant. Uneasy and detachedly hopeless. In colors freezingly bluish-white.

Hang in there, I hear stage 4 is where things really start getting interesting.

[Raz]

Although I *think* I see some slight changes in how I set boundaries I can't shake the thought that AM is kind of a dud for me.

Let's see how this plays out.