How should I write? How should I feel?
I'm on B presently, even skipped last night. I have plans to go see my mom, but have built up such safeguards for myself (meaning distance) that I've not returned calls to her.
I've been feeling .....what may I call it....a fear of growing and changing????? No. It's actually a fear that I'll re-submit to old unhappy and painful "norms".
I'm unsure how this is all connected, so I'll just post it. Talked with my old sponsor yesterday about some touchy feely movies and shows he'd been looking at. He mentioned the golden buzzer off of America's Got Talent, saying a recent show had made him cry.
On B, it's like my vulnerabilities just hide. I pulled up AGT this last 2 hours for one reason: to cry. I did, even on little acts. I hate making proclamations on sh** I really don't know, but some part of me, even the sad parts, are real. I've identified more closely with them way before IML, but IML has definitely brought it out of me. I'm trying constantly to be somebody else so I'll be liked, and dammit, that's not me. It never was. The act of hiding, however, became a norm. Subs are, to me, a tool to break out of these lies.
I've been remembering just weeks back, right before DMSI, how I felt real and RELIEVED spilling some tears here and there on E2. Even at work. I thought of this these last 2 days at work, and I purposely focused on "what am I REALLY feeling?" I began a short cry yesterday while alone at work, and I need/am going to admit something which came up. I've hidden this time and time again, throwing it in sideways so I'd look "cool".
I kept going towards a helpless victim mindset, an "I want someone to save me" mentality. I thought of "Overcoming the Victim Mentality", both in 4G and in E2 (I own both), and I began repeating that title in my head, hoping to become aware of some old tape in my head. I lived in this mentality for many years, seeking a brother or mother figure to uplift me and validate me. And right now, I see I'm grieving a loss of that. Seriously, this used to be my emotional lifeline. It rarely worked, and for those who stuck around, some became resentful of my unspoken "need", which was loud.
Also, I'd like to share that I've been scared of the unknown changes that'll come about in DMSI. I did some reading on E2 and DMSI yesterday, and I am greatly attracted to E2's gentle approach vs. the forced march. I'm no hardass, I'm not overly aggressive. I'd rather weep honestly than fight fearfully. There is more in me than that, but it appears I've been stuck on some old memory or event growing up. I've thought this victim mindset must be me returning to some old norms, and clearing them might open up other doorways.
In short, being honest with me, I've been desiring the easiest way through this emotional stuff. And being honest again, I realize I'm trying to find reasons to jump onto E2. Shannon said we'd do this, I've been fantasizing about greener emotional grass, and I'm unsure (scared really) of a non-fruitful emotional healing on DMSI. Maybe it'll take some more time and experience on it. E2 seemed unfruitful for months with me, but it locks into my emotions quickly now. I've needed and desired that. Am I just daydreaming?
And an update on DMSI happenings. Not much, mostly since I've been more inclined to be alone (and be honest) vs. putting on faces around other people. That's why I'm resistant to going and seeing my mom today. In fact, I texted her yesterday about coming over since I was....yes, in a victim mindset.
Something did hit me yesterday, and again, it was while driving. I was tired as h***, on my way home from work, mad at the victim mindset but glad I was off work. A car came up to my left at a stoplight, I heard some sensual music playing in it, yet I didn't look. I felt this sexiness coming over me, I thought it may be a girl, so I finally looked. It was a cute brunette, and when I looked, she quickly looked over, showing she'd been waiting on me to notice. The light changed, so she had to move. I felt sexy, even on my scooter (really?). Really.
So, despite the mental s*** coming up, an aura is still present. I'm in a bit of a grieving state, feeling my feelings today. I've shamed myself endless times feeling this kind of thing. But something in me......is changing. I don't know where I'm going, and I wish I did. I am trying to be in touch with this truth inside of me.
I'd rather be honest with me than false with you. I need that now.
F***. Gotta go visit my mother. I see I've fallen into other's molds for me so often, maybe my "assumed" roles.
Who am I?
I'm on B presently, even skipped last night. I have plans to go see my mom, but have built up such safeguards for myself (meaning distance) that I've not returned calls to her.
I've been feeling .....what may I call it....a fear of growing and changing????? No. It's actually a fear that I'll re-submit to old unhappy and painful "norms".
I'm unsure how this is all connected, so I'll just post it. Talked with my old sponsor yesterday about some touchy feely movies and shows he'd been looking at. He mentioned the golden buzzer off of America's Got Talent, saying a recent show had made him cry.
On B, it's like my vulnerabilities just hide. I pulled up AGT this last 2 hours for one reason: to cry. I did, even on little acts. I hate making proclamations on sh** I really don't know, but some part of me, even the sad parts, are real. I've identified more closely with them way before IML, but IML has definitely brought it out of me. I'm trying constantly to be somebody else so I'll be liked, and dammit, that's not me. It never was. The act of hiding, however, became a norm. Subs are, to me, a tool to break out of these lies.
I've been remembering just weeks back, right before DMSI, how I felt real and RELIEVED spilling some tears here and there on E2. Even at work. I thought of this these last 2 days at work, and I purposely focused on "what am I REALLY feeling?" I began a short cry yesterday while alone at work, and I need/am going to admit something which came up. I've hidden this time and time again, throwing it in sideways so I'd look "cool".
I kept going towards a helpless victim mindset, an "I want someone to save me" mentality. I thought of "Overcoming the Victim Mentality", both in 4G and in E2 (I own both), and I began repeating that title in my head, hoping to become aware of some old tape in my head. I lived in this mentality for many years, seeking a brother or mother figure to uplift me and validate me. And right now, I see I'm grieving a loss of that. Seriously, this used to be my emotional lifeline. It rarely worked, and for those who stuck around, some became resentful of my unspoken "need", which was loud.
Also, I'd like to share that I've been scared of the unknown changes that'll come about in DMSI. I did some reading on E2 and DMSI yesterday, and I am greatly attracted to E2's gentle approach vs. the forced march. I'm no hardass, I'm not overly aggressive. I'd rather weep honestly than fight fearfully. There is more in me than that, but it appears I've been stuck on some old memory or event growing up. I've thought this victim mindset must be me returning to some old norms, and clearing them might open up other doorways.
In short, being honest with me, I've been desiring the easiest way through this emotional stuff. And being honest again, I realize I'm trying to find reasons to jump onto E2. Shannon said we'd do this, I've been fantasizing about greener emotional grass, and I'm unsure (scared really) of a non-fruitful emotional healing on DMSI. Maybe it'll take some more time and experience on it. E2 seemed unfruitful for months with me, but it locks into my emotions quickly now. I've needed and desired that. Am I just daydreaming?
And an update on DMSI happenings. Not much, mostly since I've been more inclined to be alone (and be honest) vs. putting on faces around other people. That's why I'm resistant to going and seeing my mom today. In fact, I texted her yesterday about coming over since I was....yes, in a victim mindset.
Something did hit me yesterday, and again, it was while driving. I was tired as h***, on my way home from work, mad at the victim mindset but glad I was off work. A car came up to my left at a stoplight, I heard some sensual music playing in it, yet I didn't look. I felt this sexiness coming over me, I thought it may be a girl, so I finally looked. It was a cute brunette, and when I looked, she quickly looked over, showing she'd been waiting on me to notice. The light changed, so she had to move. I felt sexy, even on my scooter (really?). Really.
So, despite the mental s*** coming up, an aura is still present. I'm in a bit of a grieving state, feeling my feelings today. I've shamed myself endless times feeling this kind of thing. But something in me......is changing. I don't know where I'm going, and I wish I did. I am trying to be in touch with this truth inside of me.
I'd rather be honest with me than false with you. I need that now.
F***. Gotta go visit my mother. I see I've fallen into other's molds for me so often, maybe my "assumed" roles.
Who am I?
I want to be FREE!
