09-16-2018, 11:20 AM
Man I've identified what this awful feeling is I've had these past two days. Hopelessness. Objectively I can see just how much improvement I've made in my life and I how I continue to get better. Yet a part of me is convinced none of this will come together for me. I can't shake this feeling that I just got really lucky with where I'm at right now, it's safe and it keeps me stable, but eventually I'm going to move on from it. I know this, deep down there's more for me out there. But I'm currently wrestling with the desire to be "safe" vs living a life that's more in line with my own values.
I went to the grocery store today and it reminded me of my time working retail and I NEVER want to go back to that. You're not respected as a person, they want you to dedicate your life to some minimum wage job, and their metrics are always retarded. Every time I had to work I swear it was like entering a building filled with toxic energy, I'd get nauseous and drained. I'm so glad I'm out of there, but really my worst fear is having to go back due to financial reasons. I'm at a point in my life where out of principal I absolutely will not work for someone who treats me as disposable.
I think the hopelessness is definitely the equivalent of my subconscious sort of laying down and protesting. Nothing like making the future out to be hopeless to stop your momentum. Honestly I still can't get behind what DMSI is attempting to bring into my reality. It's really far off for me. I've pretty much never had attention from women in my life. I was never that guy. Still trying to break that identity, but man somedays it feels like looking at the sky and telling myself it's actually green. I guess that's why it's easier for me to focus on building myself up vs attempting to convince myself I'm desirable to women. I don't know if it's even possible, but maybe I project an aura that makes me invisible lol.
I went to the grocery store today and it reminded me of my time working retail and I NEVER want to go back to that. You're not respected as a person, they want you to dedicate your life to some minimum wage job, and their metrics are always retarded. Every time I had to work I swear it was like entering a building filled with toxic energy, I'd get nauseous and drained. I'm so glad I'm out of there, but really my worst fear is having to go back due to financial reasons. I'm at a point in my life where out of principal I absolutely will not work for someone who treats me as disposable.
I think the hopelessness is definitely the equivalent of my subconscious sort of laying down and protesting. Nothing like making the future out to be hopeless to stop your momentum. Honestly I still can't get behind what DMSI is attempting to bring into my reality. It's really far off for me. I've pretty much never had attention from women in my life. I was never that guy. Still trying to break that identity, but man somedays it feels like looking at the sky and telling myself it's actually green. I guess that's why it's easier for me to focus on building myself up vs attempting to convince myself I'm desirable to women. I don't know if it's even possible, but maybe I project an aura that makes me invisible lol.
INFP