08-29-2018, 04:43 PM
Still don't quite understand how B goes about things, but I had a moment today where it felt like old trapped personas were let go. Hard to describe, but I'll do my best. Basically throughout my life I've felt like certain events would trigger me to act a certain way or revert to some mindset. Of course in the moment when it's happening I'm fully conscious of it, but I try to fight it by not thinking of it. But a lot of the time you try not to think or repress something, the more it doesn't work. So instead I sort of have been letting these personas express themselves without judgement while not attaching my identity to them. I've realized for a lot of my life I've been trying to dig inward towards some "core self", as if it was hidden and I needed to uncover it. But it's all just been fear. The more fear I had in my life, the more I turned inwards and slowly shrank away from anything that wasn't familiar. When my life felt unfulfilled or limited I was convinced it was something I needed to fix internally.
I wanted to get it all lined up perfectly so when I went out into the world I was prepared. But that's not what life is. Life isn't supposed to be something you prepare for out of fear. It's meant to be a learning experience. Mistakes happen and life goes on. Me trying to avoid that was causing a lot of anxiety.
Going through all this makes me wonder. What the hell is the average person thinking when it comes to their identity? Since running DMSI I've developed this sense of multiple "mes" being inside of me. So when I'm feeling really unconfident, there's a part that still is confident. And it makes me realize who we are is so elaborate and intricate. The one thing I'm learning is that just because something feels strong or like a truth about your reality, it's still only part of your awareness. And if you can make that distinction and remind yourself of that in your head you can feel like you have a freedom to choose what you want instead of reacting to old beliefs.
I wanted to get it all lined up perfectly so when I went out into the world I was prepared. But that's not what life is. Life isn't supposed to be something you prepare for out of fear. It's meant to be a learning experience. Mistakes happen and life goes on. Me trying to avoid that was causing a lot of anxiety.
Going through all this makes me wonder. What the hell is the average person thinking when it comes to their identity? Since running DMSI I've developed this sense of multiple "mes" being inside of me. So when I'm feeling really unconfident, there's a part that still is confident. And it makes me realize who we are is so elaborate and intricate. The one thing I'm learning is that just because something feels strong or like a truth about your reality, it's still only part of your awareness. And if you can make that distinction and remind yourself of that in your head you can feel like you have a freedom to choose what you want instead of reacting to old beliefs.
INFP