08-25-2018, 11:42 AM
So apparently weekends are now full time resistance bonanzas for me. I just came out of what I can only call a state of profound anxiety doing anything other than laying in my bed staring up at the ceiling.
Towards the end of it I was just getting really pissed off. Not for my behavior. Just everything in my life past and present. Just giving a fuck too much about everything. Constantly feeling like I'm pushing a boulder up a hill with no end in sight. I think what really triggered me was I was talking to this girl on tinder and I found myself at a loss for what to say. Then it turned into trying to figure out how to not kill the conversation like I've done a bunch of other times. Then it turned into, this is fucking miserable I don't even care anymore. And no, I don't want strategies for getting better at this, that's not my goal. I just want to NOT have to think about every single goddamn interaction in my life on a micromanaging level. And I know it's resistance, but how the hell do you counteract apathy? I don't think you can. Because if you try to force yourself to enjoy it, the complete opposite happens. Ever try to have fun when you're not having fun? Incredibly stressful.
Everything just has me irritated and on edge. Part of me wants to just be all calm and rational and weigh out the pros and cons and keep things in perspective. Another part of me just wants to rage out. I've always been calm, but I'm starting to think I never processed any anger in my life in a healthy way. Always trying to show the "good" emotions, not the bad ones. Other people may be content with the lifestyle I'm currently living, but god it fills me with so much anger to go day after day the same mundane shit mon-friday. And I know complaining about it without doing anything is useless, but sometimes I just feel the need to scream. Because it boils up inside of me and I ignore it while just auto piloting through the work week just so I can make it to the weekend. These stupid goddamn shackles I put on myself, tying myself to circumstances just because I'm too afraid to move outside of them.
You ever look at other people's achievements and how they do what they love in life? Then you reflect on your own life and realized you've built a prison for yourself? Worst of all you realize how some people unconsciously want you stay in that prison because they're also part of it. Fuck man, how did we all get so screwed up and lead each other towards misery as the standard of life?
Towards the end of it I was just getting really pissed off. Not for my behavior. Just everything in my life past and present. Just giving a fuck too much about everything. Constantly feeling like I'm pushing a boulder up a hill with no end in sight. I think what really triggered me was I was talking to this girl on tinder and I found myself at a loss for what to say. Then it turned into trying to figure out how to not kill the conversation like I've done a bunch of other times. Then it turned into, this is fucking miserable I don't even care anymore. And no, I don't want strategies for getting better at this, that's not my goal. I just want to NOT have to think about every single goddamn interaction in my life on a micromanaging level. And I know it's resistance, but how the hell do you counteract apathy? I don't think you can. Because if you try to force yourself to enjoy it, the complete opposite happens. Ever try to have fun when you're not having fun? Incredibly stressful.
Everything just has me irritated and on edge. Part of me wants to just be all calm and rational and weigh out the pros and cons and keep things in perspective. Another part of me just wants to rage out. I've always been calm, but I'm starting to think I never processed any anger in my life in a healthy way. Always trying to show the "good" emotions, not the bad ones. Other people may be content with the lifestyle I'm currently living, but god it fills me with so much anger to go day after day the same mundane shit mon-friday. And I know complaining about it without doing anything is useless, but sometimes I just feel the need to scream. Because it boils up inside of me and I ignore it while just auto piloting through the work week just so I can make it to the weekend. These stupid goddamn shackles I put on myself, tying myself to circumstances just because I'm too afraid to move outside of them.
You ever look at other people's achievements and how they do what they love in life? Then you reflect on your own life and realized you've built a prison for yourself? Worst of all you realize how some people unconsciously want you stay in that prison because they're also part of it. Fuck man, how did we all get so screwed up and lead each other towards misery as the standard of life?
INFP