08-15-2018, 01:36 PM
The walls are closing in and my subconscious does not like it. I'm filled with this constant anxiety. My subconscious tries to remove the anxiety with any kind of distraction. But the distractions don't work anymore. They did at one point, but now there's a very strong force that can't be derailed. The only relief I'm going to get from the anxiety at this point is executing DMSI in full. There's no more bargaining or compromising going on in my mind.
The nature of the anxiety is that I'm doing it to myself. If I just focus on pushing past those fears, I'll get rid of the anxiety. It's just a matter of doing that. Of course my subconscious is resisting heavily, manifesting in tight muscles, a strong desire to physically run or move. It's like it wants to escape but knows it can't so it's throwing all this last ditch effort stuff. Needing to go back to healing, switching the format of the sub, turning down the volume, telling me I'm a failure, telling me I'm stressing myself out too much, telling me I'm pushing too hard and something bad is going to happen, getting angry and distracting me from what really needs change, etc.
I'm just hoping that once I tip over this edge that I never have to deal with this again. When I hit that point where I'm past these fears and I no longer have to even think about dealing with them. Still waiting for that moment. Feels like a balloon being slowly inflated until its bursting point. The hardest part is having absolutely no idea how far or close I am to the goals of dmsi.
The nature of the anxiety is that I'm doing it to myself. If I just focus on pushing past those fears, I'll get rid of the anxiety. It's just a matter of doing that. Of course my subconscious is resisting heavily, manifesting in tight muscles, a strong desire to physically run or move. It's like it wants to escape but knows it can't so it's throwing all this last ditch effort stuff. Needing to go back to healing, switching the format of the sub, turning down the volume, telling me I'm a failure, telling me I'm stressing myself out too much, telling me I'm pushing too hard and something bad is going to happen, getting angry and distracting me from what really needs change, etc.
I'm just hoping that once I tip over this edge that I never have to deal with this again. When I hit that point where I'm past these fears and I no longer have to even think about dealing with them. Still waiting for that moment. Feels like a balloon being slowly inflated until its bursting point. The hardest part is having absolutely no idea how far or close I am to the goals of dmsi.
INFP