08-02-2018, 01:46 PM
Man either I got hit with TID or switching over to masked is working way better for me. So something kind of snapped in me. I realized my attempts at getting dmsi to work by entering this sort of detached state was me actually freezing internally. Trying to shrink away as much as possible and let dmsi do something that made me worthwhile. I was driving home and I just felt like fuck this, I'm done hiding. I cause myself so much pain and misery by being so harsh to myself and beating myself up. And it's a horrible combo because if I do that when people treat me like shit I take it as confirmation. On top of that I go to great lengths to appear "good enough" to avoid criticisms to me because it would echo how I felt inside.
But really what this boils down to is just saying fuck it to the standards I've set myself/society has imposed upon me and just accept I'm good enough because I want it. To not walk around with this constant anxiety or shame of who I am, trying to hide it from everyone else. I think the tipping point for me was today at work I was having trouble solving a problem and I felt like shit. I felt like I was a fake, I wasn't good at my job, that people thought I was incompetent, etc. But I just have had enough of that soooo fucking much, I'm just done with it. I don't care anymore. People can think what they think. I'm here for one thing, to live my life to fullest and enjoy it. I won't get weighed down by all that bullshit of feeling like I need to be better or more competent.
Side note, after I felt all this I felt this energized state. And then my body had this super relaxed feeling. Like my muscles were relaxed, my breathing felt like I could breathe and it wasn't restricted. I didn't realize how much internal tension I was holding on a day to day basis. My posture immediately improved, it went from compressed to tall and relaxed. So much stress and anxiety from holding back and worrying about how I come across. I mean no wonder I haven't had any energy lately, I've been fighting myself 24/7.
Even just really minor stuff has been enlightening me. Like my music. I can see now just how badly I made myself feel because I didn't make good songs. Which is ridiculous because I haven't been at it that long and why the hell should I feel bad about something that takes time? So I make crap for a while, that doesn't mean I'm a horribly untalented loser who needs to hide away from everyone.
I'm just hoping this new found awareness continues to build and get stronger because it honestly feels like exactly what I've been searching for my entire life.
But really what this boils down to is just saying fuck it to the standards I've set myself/society has imposed upon me and just accept I'm good enough because I want it. To not walk around with this constant anxiety or shame of who I am, trying to hide it from everyone else. I think the tipping point for me was today at work I was having trouble solving a problem and I felt like shit. I felt like I was a fake, I wasn't good at my job, that people thought I was incompetent, etc. But I just have had enough of that soooo fucking much, I'm just done with it. I don't care anymore. People can think what they think. I'm here for one thing, to live my life to fullest and enjoy it. I won't get weighed down by all that bullshit of feeling like I need to be better or more competent.
Side note, after I felt all this I felt this energized state. And then my body had this super relaxed feeling. Like my muscles were relaxed, my breathing felt like I could breathe and it wasn't restricted. I didn't realize how much internal tension I was holding on a day to day basis. My posture immediately improved, it went from compressed to tall and relaxed. So much stress and anxiety from holding back and worrying about how I come across. I mean no wonder I haven't had any energy lately, I've been fighting myself 24/7.
Even just really minor stuff has been enlightening me. Like my music. I can see now just how badly I made myself feel because I didn't make good songs. Which is ridiculous because I haven't been at it that long and why the hell should I feel bad about something that takes time? So I make crap for a while, that doesn't mean I'm a horribly untalented loser who needs to hide away from everyone.
I'm just hoping this new found awareness continues to build and get stronger because it honestly feels like exactly what I've been searching for my entire life.
INFP