06-05-2018, 03:06 PM
Something that still trips me up. I'll sometimes think that I'm actively avoiding resistance by not falling for any tricks, but then it turns out I'm just resisting what dmsi is trying to get me to do. It's like I have this mentality of not giving in that I think is pushing me forward when really it's holding me back. I can't accurately describe it but it's really confusing. It feels like I'm overcoming obstacles and pushing past fear, but it's really just me fighting against the script. Possibly fighting against what the healing is bringing up.
This could be a result of my very long struggle with depression in my life. I got really good at pushing myself. When I was tired, feeling weak, or like I just needed to rest I never gave myself an opportunity to do that. I stayed busy, I pushed, I didn't acknowledge what I was feeling. I think I'm dealing with that now except DMSI is guiding me towards facing these things and it won't take no for an answer. But I'm getting in the way by insisting I don't need to face this stuff or thinking it's an illusion and I'm further along than I am.
What I've realized is you can be fully aware of emotional issues and behaviors, but that doesn't make them go away. In fact if you become too detached and start actively hating them or distancing yourself from them problems arise. Those issues exist within yourself and when you deny them, feel ashamed of them, or refuse to believe they effect you, you're denying a part of yourself. For all my insight, self awareness, and growth over the years I'm still painfully out of touch with my own emotions and what I feel. I guess when you struggle for a long portion of your life you just kind of start assuming whatever you struggle with doesn't matter. You put it in a box somewhere in the back of your mind and it gnaws away at you, but outwardly things look alright or that your life is improving.
This could be a result of my very long struggle with depression in my life. I got really good at pushing myself. When I was tired, feeling weak, or like I just needed to rest I never gave myself an opportunity to do that. I stayed busy, I pushed, I didn't acknowledge what I was feeling. I think I'm dealing with that now except DMSI is guiding me towards facing these things and it won't take no for an answer. But I'm getting in the way by insisting I don't need to face this stuff or thinking it's an illusion and I'm further along than I am.
What I've realized is you can be fully aware of emotional issues and behaviors, but that doesn't make them go away. In fact if you become too detached and start actively hating them or distancing yourself from them problems arise. Those issues exist within yourself and when you deny them, feel ashamed of them, or refuse to believe they effect you, you're denying a part of yourself. For all my insight, self awareness, and growth over the years I'm still painfully out of touch with my own emotions and what I feel. I guess when you struggle for a long portion of your life you just kind of start assuming whatever you struggle with doesn't matter. You put it in a box somewhere in the back of your mind and it gnaws away at you, but outwardly things look alright or that your life is improving.
INFP