05-30-2018, 03:57 PM
I wonder if I'm getting TID from 3.3 or if the two loops is finally breaking me through. I'm coming to some hard realization lately, not pleasant at all really. The first one is that I'm an underachiever and I avoid doing anything if it causes me anxiety. I'd rationalize it as me conserving my energy and spending it on things I actually care about. But lately at my job I've been getting more responsibilities and for a while I had this apathetic/I don't care approach. I realized today the apathetic attitude is a way to get out of potential failure or facing things that are challenging. If I don't care, then I don't have to try or be worried about the results. But I also don't grow and I self sabotage myself, which I don't want.
It hit me today I've been incredibly black and white in my approach to life. I love making music, but my focus was so narrow that that's all I focused on. Everything was a waste of time or an obstacle getting in my way. This was the wrong approach. This is like the person that moves to hollywood, has no backup plan or savings, and prays they make it in the entertainment business. I was putting my eggs in one basket and praying for the best. The reality is that my music is nowhere near good enough to get me anywhere yet, music itself, especially electronic music, is hard to sustain yourself on, and even if I did make music my full time job somehow I'd have to blow up pretty big or have enough fans to not stress about money. And stress about money kills creativity.
I'm not giving up on my dreams, but being ill prepared for the future and coasting on a dream that may not happen is a dangerous thing to do. I know a lot of people say you have to say screw it and go after what you want. But I've realized it's not that simple. At the very least you have to have the ability to sustain yourself somehow, whether that's working part time or full time. But I've realized I still have a lot of internal work to do and I was using these dreams as an escape from reality. It used to be I'd get really depressed and think life wasn't worth living if I couldn't do something with my music. But it always came from a place of avoidance vs passion. I wanted a life surrounded by music because that's what I was most familiar with and semi-good at. Everything else scared me or made me feel like I couldn't do it. That's not really freedom in my eyes.
Avoidance is a really bad thing. It starts out small and then it grows. Pretty soon you're turning down opportunities because you're convinced it's not good for you in some way. Meanwhile the ocean of possibilities gets smaller and smaller until you're left to wallow in a shallow puddle. Confined to a limited view of the world and what you can or can't handle.
It hit me today I've been incredibly black and white in my approach to life. I love making music, but my focus was so narrow that that's all I focused on. Everything was a waste of time or an obstacle getting in my way. This was the wrong approach. This is like the person that moves to hollywood, has no backup plan or savings, and prays they make it in the entertainment business. I was putting my eggs in one basket and praying for the best. The reality is that my music is nowhere near good enough to get me anywhere yet, music itself, especially electronic music, is hard to sustain yourself on, and even if I did make music my full time job somehow I'd have to blow up pretty big or have enough fans to not stress about money. And stress about money kills creativity.
I'm not giving up on my dreams, but being ill prepared for the future and coasting on a dream that may not happen is a dangerous thing to do. I know a lot of people say you have to say screw it and go after what you want. But I've realized it's not that simple. At the very least you have to have the ability to sustain yourself somehow, whether that's working part time or full time. But I've realized I still have a lot of internal work to do and I was using these dreams as an escape from reality. It used to be I'd get really depressed and think life wasn't worth living if I couldn't do something with my music. But it always came from a place of avoidance vs passion. I wanted a life surrounded by music because that's what I was most familiar with and semi-good at. Everything else scared me or made me feel like I couldn't do it. That's not really freedom in my eyes.
Avoidance is a really bad thing. It starts out small and then it grows. Pretty soon you're turning down opportunities because you're convinced it's not good for you in some way. Meanwhile the ocean of possibilities gets smaller and smaller until you're left to wallow in a shallow puddle. Confined to a limited view of the world and what you can or can't handle.
INFP