03-24-2018, 08:22 PM
Just unloading some thoughts. I've been thinking about the whole idea of accepting oneself. And to me that's a tricky thing. In the past I'd accept myself as I was, but I was really just accepting a limiting version of myself. I'm at a point now where I don't want to be "who I am" anymore. The old self, the timid, anxious, neurotic one who doesn't want to stand out. It's so goddamn hard though. Alone, by myself I think I'm molding myself into this new better version of myself. But out there in the world it all collapses like a foundation made of straw. I tell myself I'm confident, that people's opinions of me don't matter, and that I'm good enough, but it just feels like lies when none of it is reflected in my actual reality. In a way when I try to bring about this stuff consciously it backfires even worse than if I just didn't care and went about my life. I honestly would rather be a fucked up individual that's ok with whatever flaws they have than some tryhard that pretends they don't exist.
It's just really frustrating because I don't know what to do. Do I focus more on trying to be who I want to be? Attempt to affirm it? All i know is I'm just an absolute mess of a person and half the time I can't even admit that to myself. I've even gone down the self compassion route and all that turns into is me feeling even more frustrated that I can't cut myself a break or go easy on myself.
I'm honestly convinced that all this mental throwup these past few weeks has been my subconscious running me around in circles to prevent actual change. I mean when you think about it creating the illusion of change would cause me to back off from actual change. The whole idea of making progress where there is none, like a goddamn decoy. It's infuriating really, I just want to improve my life and be happy but every step of the way my subconscious wants to shoot me in the foot.
It's all getting old, really really really old. The same destructive patterns in my life playing out in a variety of different ways. All because I'm too afraid to change. That's it, that's all it's ever been. And it's like seeing all the wonderful benefits of making those changes on a conscious level, but on a subconscious level they mean absolutely nothing. I mean seriously, do most people deal with this or do I just live my life with excessive amounts of fear? Because I'll be honest I see some people make the most of their life with ease, like breathing. Meanwhile I'm here suffocating myself and cutting off my own oxygen supply.
It's just really frustrating because I don't know what to do. Do I focus more on trying to be who I want to be? Attempt to affirm it? All i know is I'm just an absolute mess of a person and half the time I can't even admit that to myself. I've even gone down the self compassion route and all that turns into is me feeling even more frustrated that I can't cut myself a break or go easy on myself.
I'm honestly convinced that all this mental throwup these past few weeks has been my subconscious running me around in circles to prevent actual change. I mean when you think about it creating the illusion of change would cause me to back off from actual change. The whole idea of making progress where there is none, like a goddamn decoy. It's infuriating really, I just want to improve my life and be happy but every step of the way my subconscious wants to shoot me in the foot.
It's all getting old, really really really old. The same destructive patterns in my life playing out in a variety of different ways. All because I'm too afraid to change. That's it, that's all it's ever been. And it's like seeing all the wonderful benefits of making those changes on a conscious level, but on a subconscious level they mean absolutely nothing. I mean seriously, do most people deal with this or do I just live my life with excessive amounts of fear? Because I'll be honest I see some people make the most of their life with ease, like breathing. Meanwhile I'm here suffocating myself and cutting off my own oxygen supply.
INFP