10-03-2016, 10:18 AM
I thought I'd talk about my current anxiety right now, if anything to help Shannon out by showing what the sub does. I have really no idea what exactly is going on, it's so easy to speculate but a lot of is happening and it's hard for me to really splice it out. Also I'd like to point out that a lot of what I'll be describing here reminds me of my behavior during my BIATBW run and given goals of that sub and DMSI are similar and both times I've been after full AM6 run it makes kind of sense.
There are basically three things that help me out with my anxiety:
* focusing on my mission,
* alcohol,
* reading manosphere materials.
First point is fine, but it takes lots of mindpower as my mission is basically learning. It gives me high when I learn a thing or two but I cannot do this all day, my brain needs some rest. Also sometimes it's hard to find motivation, it's easier to wasted some time on this and that and while it's relaxing when I realize what I've done it only makes me feel worse.
Alcohol is good medicine, but every medicine in too big of a dose becomes a poison. In fact it only helps because it dumbs me. It's not a solution, if anything it's something that buys some time but might bring more problems in the long run.
Before talking about the last point I'll talk about things that help somewhat but not really. When I am in social setting, or even with just a friend things are fine, I don't feel much anxiety, but once I'm alone with just my thoughts it all goes back again. I'm also doing my Walking Zen kind of exercises and its effects really very, but mostly I'd get a boost while walking which dies out as soon as I go back to my flat. Still it helps me sort my thoughts and find roots of my issues, so while not healing it's still helpful.
Last point is most interesting one I think and the reason why I'm writing this post. Reading about being alpha, nature of women etc. really help me out. It's like it wakes me up from the trance, makes me realize harsh reality and while truth is unpleasant the realization is smoothing. Funnily enough I'm reading a lot of Red Pill recently, something that a while ago I called something in line with "informative but bitter and nihilistic". Now I really find lots of truth in it as if some kind of realization inside me happened between my first read of Red Pill and now.
All of this makes me quite motivated really. In the past I'd always have this feeling I can do something but I wouldn't follow through on it. I remember at least twice I had written that I'm about to join a gym and I didn't do it in the end. Guess what? Today I went to the local gym to ask about and see what the atmosphere is there. I broke through my anxiety and went there and it seems like actually quite a cool place. I will go there for a workout on Thursday and I'll see if I'll like it enough to get a membership. I could really use some training so I hope I'll be able to force myself though the anxiety connected to the gym and make going there a habit.
Why the Red Pill works so well for me I think is because of what was going on during my second AM6 run. I've written about this in my run summary but basically that run coincided with my toxic relationship with my ex. Even though I know a lot theory about women from manosphere I didn't had much experience to back it with so I was willing to give her a chance and prove the theory wrong. She proved it right. And even though I'm still unwilling to give up some of my romantic believes the fact that my story with her is not unlike stories of many others gives me some closure and cuts down hope that would hold me hostage instead. You might think that AM6 didn't work too well if that was happening but in fact I think this is what saved me, if not for that I would be probably her beta lapdog to this day. If anything while listening to the AM6 I was still in hope that she will finally respect me and follow on her words about how much she loves me. Now, although still with not all my heart but with bigger part of it each passing day, I'm letting go.
There are basically three things that help me out with my anxiety:
* focusing on my mission,
* alcohol,
* reading manosphere materials.
First point is fine, but it takes lots of mindpower as my mission is basically learning. It gives me high when I learn a thing or two but I cannot do this all day, my brain needs some rest. Also sometimes it's hard to find motivation, it's easier to wasted some time on this and that and while it's relaxing when I realize what I've done it only makes me feel worse.
Alcohol is good medicine, but every medicine in too big of a dose becomes a poison. In fact it only helps because it dumbs me. It's not a solution, if anything it's something that buys some time but might bring more problems in the long run.
Before talking about the last point I'll talk about things that help somewhat but not really. When I am in social setting, or even with just a friend things are fine, I don't feel much anxiety, but once I'm alone with just my thoughts it all goes back again. I'm also doing my Walking Zen kind of exercises and its effects really very, but mostly I'd get a boost while walking which dies out as soon as I go back to my flat. Still it helps me sort my thoughts and find roots of my issues, so while not healing it's still helpful.
Last point is most interesting one I think and the reason why I'm writing this post. Reading about being alpha, nature of women etc. really help me out. It's like it wakes me up from the trance, makes me realize harsh reality and while truth is unpleasant the realization is smoothing. Funnily enough I'm reading a lot of Red Pill recently, something that a while ago I called something in line with "informative but bitter and nihilistic". Now I really find lots of truth in it as if some kind of realization inside me happened between my first read of Red Pill and now.
All of this makes me quite motivated really. In the past I'd always have this feeling I can do something but I wouldn't follow through on it. I remember at least twice I had written that I'm about to join a gym and I didn't do it in the end. Guess what? Today I went to the local gym to ask about and see what the atmosphere is there. I broke through my anxiety and went there and it seems like actually quite a cool place. I will go there for a workout on Thursday and I'll see if I'll like it enough to get a membership. I could really use some training so I hope I'll be able to force myself though the anxiety connected to the gym and make going there a habit.
Why the Red Pill works so well for me I think is because of what was going on during my second AM6 run. I've written about this in my run summary but basically that run coincided with my toxic relationship with my ex. Even though I know a lot theory about women from manosphere I didn't had much experience to back it with so I was willing to give her a chance and prove the theory wrong. She proved it right. And even though I'm still unwilling to give up some of my romantic believes the fact that my story with her is not unlike stories of many others gives me some closure and cuts down hope that would hold me hostage instead. You might think that AM6 didn't work too well if that was happening but in fact I think this is what saved me, if not for that I would be probably her beta lapdog to this day. If anything while listening to the AM6 I was still in hope that she will finally respect me and follow on her words about how much she loves me. Now, although still with not all my heart but with bigger part of it each passing day, I'm letting go.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4