11-17-2010, 01:12 PM
11/17/10
Another update. Not much happening yet in terms of confidence but I'm finding myself really out of place right now. I went to my classes today and I just didn't want to talk to anyone. Not in an angry way, more of a eh I don't really feel like it. This could be due to my lack of energy, when I'm not as awake I tend to keep to myself a lot. I feel very disconnected from my life right now, and I might be struggling with some form of depression. Still I make the best of what I have and I tend to not label it as depression because it tends to give it more power.
On some level I want to be more social, but I also don't want to just put on a face and try to be social. I'd rather just be social without having to think about it. I've lived a large portion of my life as a loner, so I'm used to being alone a lot of the time. I don't get as much satisfaction talking and conversing like other people seem to do. But then again, this could all be one big defense mechanism to protect my delicate ego.
I think in some way I've convinced myself that I'm independent, but its rather stupid because human contact is important for anyone. I try to rationalize that I don't need people at an intellectual level, but I think I suffer at a more emotional level.
People always say that you should find happiness in yourself and I agree with this. But I think I've taken it to an extreme in order to avoid the anxiety of opening up to others. I try to convince myself that I'm happy, but I know in the back of my mind that I lack confidence and make up for it with social isolation.
It seems the subliminal is making me more aware of what I truly want vs what my ego wants.
Another update. Not much happening yet in terms of confidence but I'm finding myself really out of place right now. I went to my classes today and I just didn't want to talk to anyone. Not in an angry way, more of a eh I don't really feel like it. This could be due to my lack of energy, when I'm not as awake I tend to keep to myself a lot. I feel very disconnected from my life right now, and I might be struggling with some form of depression. Still I make the best of what I have and I tend to not label it as depression because it tends to give it more power.
On some level I want to be more social, but I also don't want to just put on a face and try to be social. I'd rather just be social without having to think about it. I've lived a large portion of my life as a loner, so I'm used to being alone a lot of the time. I don't get as much satisfaction talking and conversing like other people seem to do. But then again, this could all be one big defense mechanism to protect my delicate ego.
I think in some way I've convinced myself that I'm independent, but its rather stupid because human contact is important for anyone. I try to rationalize that I don't need people at an intellectual level, but I think I suffer at a more emotional level.
People always say that you should find happiness in yourself and I agree with this. But I think I've taken it to an extreme in order to avoid the anxiety of opening up to others. I try to convince myself that I'm happy, but I know in the back of my mind that I lack confidence and make up for it with social isolation.
It seems the subliminal is making me more aware of what I truly want vs what my ego wants.