(05-09-2018, 08:27 AM)mat422 Wrote: You absolutely do not. This is the biggest trap I fell into. When you base your own self love on the love others give you, you never feel whole. Generating your own self love and acceptance is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself. But it takes a bit to get over that hurdle of "why do I deserve this?" This is why it's called unconditional love for oneself, you don't need a reason.
I'm waiting on that acceptance, love, and trust of myself fully, really hoping DMSI will open my heart back up TO ME. I had a reminder today that I'm still seeking other's validation of me, as it happened before I left work.
I've been realizing some at my work are truly caring people. One woman, who's been nice to me, and the #2 boss. He's a pure alpha ex-Marine, but he's aware of others and himself enough to let one know when something's not right. Or when it's going well.
#2 boss wants me to work in his department as soon as a spot opens. But today I was feeling sad and tired, working hard, and I just didn't feel "complete". Like you said Matt, I was seeking him or anyone to "fill my whole".
Well, it was time to leave, and I began walking out, but turned towards his office to ask him what I'd manufactured in my head (to get his attention, honestly). I said,
"Is it possible for me to get a work review?"
"Why do you want a review?" (while keeping his eyes on his computer)
"I'd like to know if I'm doing ok.......but I'd really like to know if there's anything I need to improve"
"You're fine. If anything was wrong, I'd let you know" (Said quickly, still looking at his computer)
"Thanks. Silence is often worse for me than actually knowing I did something wrong"
"You're fine. I'll let you know if anything's wrong" (End of conversation. He never looked at me or stopped his computer work)
I left, with mixed feelings over seeking his validation of me. Like it looked good that I wanted to know how I was doing, seeking a good impression. But feeling incomplete, as I am still reliant of others for their approval of me.
Self reliance. When I wrote "reliant" above, I flashed back, to about a month ago when I was using LTU (it has self reliance scripting). I remember one work day this feeling/thought was stuck in my head (SELF reliant, self reliant....over and over again). The guy I had been working with, like 90% of the guys I work with, I'd usually been emotionally dependent on him giving me some kind of feedback that.....I was worthy.
Well, I realized that hour that I didn't NEED his attention or approval. It was new for me, a first. I remember asking myself "am I abandoning him emotionally?" It was a thought I had to search for, as guilt and fear often surrounded it--but it just wasn't there.
I didn't FEEL anything, or much at all during that hour. As I imagined positive possible outcomes, I did feel good. But my imagining was limited.
I thought:
What'll happen when I'm self reliant?
Will I gain friends? Will I lose some?
Will I need this job I'm in since I'm here depending on other men continually? (This EXCITED me)
Will I be more mature? Better able to socialize comfortably?
And others thoughts. DMSI, as much as I know, does not have specific self reliance scripting. Oh well, maybe feeling GOOD about myself will enable it
I want to be FREE!
