06-21-2019, 09:13 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-21-2019, 09:26 AM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
(06-21-2019, 05:37 AM)Shannon Wrote: You're making progress. Appreciate that and keep going.
Sleeping can be an escape. It can also be a way to deal with exhaustion. Are you feeling exhausted by the process?
No, I'm not feeling exhausted. I think it was one part lazily just relaxing in my bed too much and one part trying to escape painful feelings.
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Day 20:
There's a lot of guilt and shame (especially shame) underneath the surface. And a lot of disappointment with myself, for lack of a better word. I take a look at a lot of things I said and did in the end of 2015 to the end of 2017, and I cringe. Often, when I remember something cringey about my past, I can't help but say "I hate myself" and then tell myself to stop. I don't like myself very much, but then I don't do a lot to make myself more deserving of my own liking. Maybe that's not a healthy way to look at it, but the truth is, now that the article is finished, I'm not doing anything productive. Though even if I was more productive, I'd still have these problems I think. I feel like there are so many changes I need to make to my life and at the same time, I'm still dealing with the shame of my past. I don't like my life as it is right now or myself as I am right now and I feel pain, shame, disappointment and self loathing when I look at my past. It's the future I look forward to, but it's a distant future and I'm not doing enough to bring that future into fruition. And when I DO start aggressively moving forward, I have to deal with a lot of stress and anxiety. Looks like there's still A LOT of work for E3 to do. I wish I were on LTU5, but since they're telling me I'm not disabled and I have no steady line of work, it's gonna be a while before I can afford it. I just hope E3 will be enough to bring me to that point where I love and respect myself and I've moved on with my life.
I'm also going back and forth between two ways of dealing with the friendship breakup: Learn the becoming method so I can restart the friendship and try to do things right the next time around? Or learn how to cut the cord between myself and my ex-friend so I can let go? It'll probably be painful if I cut the cord. Anyway, I don't know how to do either right now, so I guess it's a moot point. Still, I wish I had everything figured out. I wish I had everything resolved. Well, I'm only 20 days in. Who knows what I'll be like by day 365? Probably gonna be that long until I can afford LTU5. Anyway, at least I'm making progress on E3. I just gotta be patient I guess. Patient and more proactive.
Like Shannon said: I'm making progress. Just gotta appreciate that and keep going. Best I can do right now anyway.