05-07-2018, 01:51 PM
Word vomit incoming.
I hit a point today where I just kept getting more and more agitated. I realized I don't care about this job, I don't care about learning about computers, I don't care about being this super knowledgeable tech person. My worth is not contingent on how smart I am or how much I accomplish in life that can be quantified through some stupid measurement like a salary. I kept telling myself maybe I'm not trying hard enough, maybe I need to actually focus and work at this more. For what? There's just a certain point where you have to ask, who the fuck am I doing this for? Obviously I'm not going to quit because I need the money, but this has been the thing that always bugs me about society. Everyone wants you to climb that ladder, keep moving up, take on more and more responsibility, challenge yourself. Well ok, if that's what you actually want to do. I have no desire for any of that. I'm sick of feeling like I have to do something. It irritates me that people are constantly buzzing with this frantic energy to "do something". In my opinion keeping busy for the sake of looking busy is the dumbest thing in the world and it's a waste of energy.
So it's a question of where do I go from here? Well I don't really know. But I do know I'm feeling more strong in my opinions and views. I've stuffed those down for so long and followed everyone else's "rules" for living and it caused me nothing but misery. So I'm done. I can't, I literally can't. If I go one more day without being true to myself I'm going to lose it. I'm sick of corporate culture, sick of the rat race, sick of it all. Thank god I'm not even in that stuffy of an environment at my job, if I had to wear a suit I don't think I'd even bother working there.
I'm probably going to be spewing a ton of stuff in this post I'll reflect on in a few days and realize I'm being really polar in my views. But honestly, I'm so agitated with my current situation. And goddamn I just had a thought that maybe I only ever went down the whole computer route and brainwashed myself into believing I should do it was because I always got praise as a kid when I fixed stuff around the house. That's when I got THE MOST praise, out of anything else I ever did. Did I latch onto that and decide that means my career should be in IT? Probably. Worse yet I might have had a huge fear of abandoning it all together because then I'd be back to square one with "I'm not good at anything, I'm worthless". More and more I'm coming to the realization that most of my decisions in life didn't come from me and it's really pissing me off.
Of course now I'm relucatant to leave this field altogether because I'd be starting from zero having to go through all that job searching nonsense. Maybe go back to college for a different career. But man if I won the lottery all I'd do is build myself a studio and make music all the time. Other people say that's probably not realistic. I say who cares. Realism is fucking overrated. 9/10 when someone talks about being "realistic" it's just limitations they've imposed in their own minds. Why is it so damn difficult just to make enough money to live without killing yourself with a 9-5? Would people even want to work less if given the chance for the same pay? I don't get this world sometimes, especially the people who settle into these routines and structures and derive pleasure out of it. Blows my goddamn mind.
Besides that, tonights my night off the sub. I'm parsing through some heavy emotions right now. Don't really care if I'm being right or rational right now, I'm just irritated and angry to no end. I don't know maybe this is the part of me that isn't fully mature. Or maybe it's the backlash of years of trying to stuff myself into some box and live the "right" way and not disappoint people.
I hit a point today where I just kept getting more and more agitated. I realized I don't care about this job, I don't care about learning about computers, I don't care about being this super knowledgeable tech person. My worth is not contingent on how smart I am or how much I accomplish in life that can be quantified through some stupid measurement like a salary. I kept telling myself maybe I'm not trying hard enough, maybe I need to actually focus and work at this more. For what? There's just a certain point where you have to ask, who the fuck am I doing this for? Obviously I'm not going to quit because I need the money, but this has been the thing that always bugs me about society. Everyone wants you to climb that ladder, keep moving up, take on more and more responsibility, challenge yourself. Well ok, if that's what you actually want to do. I have no desire for any of that. I'm sick of feeling like I have to do something. It irritates me that people are constantly buzzing with this frantic energy to "do something". In my opinion keeping busy for the sake of looking busy is the dumbest thing in the world and it's a waste of energy.
So it's a question of where do I go from here? Well I don't really know. But I do know I'm feeling more strong in my opinions and views. I've stuffed those down for so long and followed everyone else's "rules" for living and it caused me nothing but misery. So I'm done. I can't, I literally can't. If I go one more day without being true to myself I'm going to lose it. I'm sick of corporate culture, sick of the rat race, sick of it all. Thank god I'm not even in that stuffy of an environment at my job, if I had to wear a suit I don't think I'd even bother working there.
I'm probably going to be spewing a ton of stuff in this post I'll reflect on in a few days and realize I'm being really polar in my views. But honestly, I'm so agitated with my current situation. And goddamn I just had a thought that maybe I only ever went down the whole computer route and brainwashed myself into believing I should do it was because I always got praise as a kid when I fixed stuff around the house. That's when I got THE MOST praise, out of anything else I ever did. Did I latch onto that and decide that means my career should be in IT? Probably. Worse yet I might have had a huge fear of abandoning it all together because then I'd be back to square one with "I'm not good at anything, I'm worthless". More and more I'm coming to the realization that most of my decisions in life didn't come from me and it's really pissing me off.
Of course now I'm relucatant to leave this field altogether because I'd be starting from zero having to go through all that job searching nonsense. Maybe go back to college for a different career. But man if I won the lottery all I'd do is build myself a studio and make music all the time. Other people say that's probably not realistic. I say who cares. Realism is fucking overrated. 9/10 when someone talks about being "realistic" it's just limitations they've imposed in their own minds. Why is it so damn difficult just to make enough money to live without killing yourself with a 9-5? Would people even want to work less if given the chance for the same pay? I don't get this world sometimes, especially the people who settle into these routines and structures and derive pleasure out of it. Blows my goddamn mind.
Besides that, tonights my night off the sub. I'm parsing through some heavy emotions right now. Don't really care if I'm being right or rational right now, I'm just irritated and angry to no end. I don't know maybe this is the part of me that isn't fully mature. Or maybe it's the backlash of years of trying to stuff myself into some box and live the "right" way and not disappoint people.
INFP