DMSI 3.2 journal (A Smuggler's tale)

[Smuggler]

Day 19 14/3/2018
Still bogged down with work. However I am going out every day after work, shopping, have coffee etc. I feel as if this sub is having no affect on me at the moment, I wonder if my initial reports were just placebo. I feel no sense of aura whatsoever, I don't appear to have any external results, nothing seems to be happening that wouldn't normally happen to me otherwise in regards to noticing effects.
I had my day off at day 15 as instructed. My appetite is through the roof at the moment but that's possibly down to my training program. I've woken up in the morning (I say woken up, the last few days i've only managed 2-3 hours of broken sleep for whatever reason) with my neck and head drenched in sweat for some reason, the rest of my body completely fine and that's with the window open at 2 degrees celcius outside. I intend to keep running it for the moment but it just feels like nothing is happening.

[Sanbosay]

Day 19 14/3/2018
Still bogged down with work. However I am going out every day after work, shopping, have coffee etc. I feel as if this sub is having no affect on me at the moment, I wonder if my initial reports were just placebo. I feel no sense of aura whatsoever, I don't appear to have any external results, nothing seems to be happening that wouldn't normally happen to me otherwise in regards to noticing effects.
I had my day off at day 15 as instructed. My appetite is through the roof at the moment but that's possibly down to my training program. I've woken up in the morning (I say woken up, the last few days i've only managed 2-3 hours of broken sleep for whatever reason) with my neck and head drenched in sweat for some reason, the rest of my body completely fine and that's with the window open at 2 degrees celcius outside. I intend to keep running it for the moment but it just feels like nothing is happening.

Try not to use caffeine for a few days and then see what happens because caffeine or anything with caffeine will derail the program from executing properly

Even though I am drinking my tea which has caffeine in it LOL but I know the program is working for me because I still get glances here and there my posture is super on point my confidence is about 70% if not 80 but again that could be because of the medications I'm taking.

But I know for sure the days I don't drink caffeine I execute the script like the day a bang that girl in my car in less than an hour I didn't drink caffeine and I have tried not drinking caffeine other times where the program executed so try cutting off caffeine for a few days and see how that works for you my man

[Smuggler]

I don't take caffeine at all so it can't be that, thanks though

[Sanbosay]

Day 19 14/3/2018
Still bogged down with work. However I am going out every day after work, shopping, have coffee etc. I feel as if this sub is having no affect on me at the moment, I wonder if my initial reports were just placebo. I feel no sense of aura whatsoever, I don't appear to have any external results, nothing seems to be happening that wouldn't normally happen to me otherwise in regards to noticing effects.
I had my day off at day 15 as instructed. My appetite is through the roof at the moment but that's possibly down to my training program. I've woken up in the morning (I say woken up, the last few days i've only managed 2-3 hours of broken sleep for whatever reason) with my neck and head drenched in sweat for some reason, the rest of my body completely fine and that's with the window open at 2 degrees celcius outside. I intend to keep running it for the moment but it just feels like nothing is happening.

I don't take caffeine at all so it can't be that, thanks though

Oh it says up there you go out everyday after work shopping and have coffee etc that's why my bad

[Smuggler]

To be fair I had one yesterday but it was the first one i've had in 6+ months so I don't drink it regular, but you're right I did, sorry but before that no.

[Smuggler]

Unless it can derail the program before if even taken it, TID style? Lol. Maybe not.

[Shannon]

Consider that execution may not necessarily be consistent until all resistance has been dealt with.

[Smuggler]

Am I even showing any signs of resistance now though? The rage I had before has pretty much gone and I can't think of anything else that is obvious.

[Smuggler]

Day 21 16/3/2018
Haven't done much today, i've had a day off work due to dentist appointment.
I had 2 dreams last night. First one I remember after working with 3 or 4 guys on a job, we'd finished and everyone went home. I decided to go to a pub on my own and have a few drinks, i've never actually done this. At some point I remember 1 of the guys I worked with came in for a drink on his own, and then a short while later another did the same but we never talked, just like a nod as we saw each other. It seemed we all stayed on our own or those 2 went with their own groups. At some point when I was in there I saw a guy I went to school with with his wife and nodded to him. He was a close friend actually and in real life I would of spoken to him. I left the pub, and that was the end.

Next dream involved me, someone who I can't remember and the guy I saw from school in the first dream. We were kind of living in a cave, it appears some kind of zombie apocalypse had occurred and we were just trying to survive but we were right next to an entrance or exit where zombies would come out of, and we were just enjoying killing them like it was a normal thing to do. Can't remember anything else.

I've noticed today that I seem to be sweating slightly/heating up. My back was slightly wet after sitting in the chair having my hair cut and the same again in the dentists chair a couple of hours later. I am a big unit but I haven't noticed the heat issue up until the last day or two.

I woke up this morning with a thought in my head. That I haven't masturbated since Monday (12/3/2018). I ended a 60 day streak before at the end of January, since then I haven't been able to nail it again. But further to that thought is the fact that I haven't had any urge to do it or look at porn whatsoever. Perhaps the sub is working on some level but it's still too early to determine if it's just me or the sub.
I'm also thinking I look a bit fatter than normal today, coupled with the fact I have been eating a lot lately. Could it be resistance or power needed for the sub?
The last few days i've ended up pushing the loop further and further back, i'm now at about 1:30am. I need to bring this back somehow, I may have to wait until the next break though.

[Smuggler]

Day 26 21/3/2018
There hasn't really been anything to report for the previous few days. I've had a couple of online conversations going, arranged a meet for fruday but she cancelled today, wants to rearrange. I'm not too bothered. She's younger, liked older guys and I think she's being coy about what she wants, I think she just wants to chill and bang but it's hard to get the info from here.
Met another girl on kik, I messaged her. Again she's even younger (18, i'm 31). I asked what she was looking for, she said whatever happens and she wants to be submissive. Not normally my thing but I went with it, turned a bit sexual and really like the idea now. She's hot hispanic, calling me daddy and we're arranging to meet on monday.
Can I call it DMSI even though I initiated the convo? I'm on day 8 of nofap and been leaking all day due to this.

I have had 3-4 hours broken sleep the last few days. Today at work was easily the most productive i've been in months, seems I didn't procrastinate at all. I hope this stays.

[Benjamin]

Nice man.. I love it. Hope it goes well with her. I love submissive girls.

[Smuggler]

Thanks man! I think i'm starting to also, weird because I never thought I would be into that.

[Smuggler]

Day 35 29/3/2018
I've had suspected food poisoning the last few days so been a bit quiet.
Saw the submissive girl on monday, went well. We were driving around in the car, ended up getting a blowjob from here. Really weird speaking and being with her, she truly wants someone to tell her what to do all of the time. Feels a bit odd but it's new to me.
On tuesday I decided to facebook her after her telling me her full name and she's showing as in a relationship with someone else. Wtf lol, I don't need that shit, what kind of submissive girl would be cheating anyway? Doesn't make sense, so i've dropped her, didn't even bother asking her.

Tinder/online dating is still flowing, more than I can keep up with lol, I have to keep hiding my profile so I can spend time on the matches I do have, plus I do want to be trying to see effects in real life rather than online. Hopefully a bit easier now that my busy month has ended, we shall see. I've got one girl to meet from tinder on monday so we'll see how that goes.

Completely forgot about 1 loop the day after my second ASRB break, so had 2 days off.
Nofap not doing well, broke the streak and keep breaking it since lol.

Had the first noticeable dream today in a little while as I was napping during listening to my loop.
Basically I had a woman living in my house with me as a lodger I guess. It appears she was trying to catch my attention for a while. One night I came home, she was drunk and couldn't resist me. I put her off a bit because she was average looking, but I eventually kissed her, think we may have then slept together. I woke up in the dream and found 2 guys and her talking in the corner of my bedroom, like they were planning something against me. I got up, naked and was telling all three of them that they need to leave, had to repeat a couple more times louder with swearing. They all left and were outside kind of shouting about me, the girl was being really shitty about me, made horrible comments about me being naked, surprising given the fact the she came on to me like I was Brad Pitt or something. That's all I can remember.

[Smuggler]

Day 36 30/3/2018

I've had quite a depressive day today and think perhaps now is the time to shed light on a few things. I've had some time to think about stuff today.

I think I may be suffering some form of anxiety/PTSD, starting approx 3.5 years ago. I'm became aware I was changing back then but just thought it was normal. About 6 months ago I came to the realisation that there is a problem and tried to get help. There has been 2 long periods of time in my life, one at a young age and one at adult age that I think I can attribute to where continous events may have affected me. Without digressing too much, from the age of a toddler up until 21 I constantly and regularly witnessed extreme verbal abuse between my parents and occasionally physical, largely due to my mother and her taste for alcohol. This even continued when I moved back home briefly at the age of 23/24.
Secondly, I was a nightclub bouncer for 6 years from the age of 22, I witnessed and partaked in some extreme violent situations in self defence and even had an instance where I accidentally hurt somebody extremely bad. None of this affected me or registered in my mind at the time until I quit the job and it was like the floodgates just opened, 3.5 years ago.

I saw a doctor 6 months ago to say I don't feel right, told her these reasons and she palmed me off, basically verbalising to me that PTSD is for veterans, firefighters etc. So I felt like shit and thought how unthoughtful of me to think I could have that. But only until today, fuck her. I don't believe it's just for people who have experienced one off extreme situations, my logic tells me of course it can build up over time, a group of events of the same type can also cause it right? After all, war is not a single event, it's a series of situations/fights etc. that all add up. My point is, i'm not ashamed now to think I could have this disorder and hope I can find some way of treating it by accepting it's there. I split with my ex of 6 years just 6 months ago and when I look back, I was detached from her for no reason at all.

So I don't know at the moment how I will proceed as far as subs are concerned. A large part of my anxiety appears to come from the nightclub job as I look at every single person in the street as if they are going to hurt me, I can't walk past a single person without visualising how i'm going to be able to counter if they attack me. I need to get this sorted. In my ideal world I wish I could reattract my ex and tell her what is happening and why I made her feel like she did. Maybe she would understand it wasn't a conscious effort. The problem is I haven't even seen her in those 6 months. She collects stuff from the house, texts me occasionally but i'm still closed off to her from the shame of the breakup.
Dating other girls, i'm not even sure if it helps anymore.

I have a big decision to make whether to stop this sub now and switch to something else or stop all subs. Will 3.2A help me in any way? Will AM6 help me in any way?

Sorry for the long post guys, I have no one to tell this to and if nothing else it helps by me just writing it out.