The saga continues: AM 6

[kalmah0804]

Damn, it sounds like you're really similar to me and are ending up getting the same results at the same pace with Stage 7 that I was. I made the mistake of bailing at around 21 days--don't make the same mistake I did! I look back now and feel like I was oh so close to having a major breakthrough had I stuck around for the final 11 days.

I've lost count, by the way--how many days have you been on Stage 7 now?

Yeah, do you know what your MBTI type is? A lot of the guys I relate to on this forum are the same type as me. I'm glad you stopped by though because a couple of days ago I was strongly considering moving to dmsi. I stuck it out and felt like I pushed past something. I'm at 17 days now, so I'm pretty close to your 21. It wouldn't surprise me if it happens again closer to that time. A lot of this resistance can be unpredictable at times.

I'm an INFP-T -- with like an absurdly high turbulent score (I think I'm like 97% turbulent, if that makes any sense to you).

Same here. Don't know about my turbulent score though. It was probably a hell of a lot higher a few years ago. I had a feeling you were INFP, a lot of what you write I could relate to.

Same here, dude. I've been having horrible problems with my life lately, which is why I haven't been posting, but yeah, very eager to see how you end up after a full 32 days on this sub (that's me being hopeful you'll make it through, of course). It was really, really, really rough sailing for me, and I ended up having to quit, but am curious as to see if it gets better for you by the end.

Also, think you'll respond really well to DMSI. I do admit that I feel as though I was becoming far less turbulent, as you have admitted for yourself, but when I started 3.1 it completely rocked my core and broke me down. I'm sure if I had continued it may have built me back up again anew, but I'd suggest from our personality similarities and my own personal experiences that you wait for 3.2, which I believe will not only be much stronger, but will be much better at overcoming resistance, which I think we manifest similarly and think might be too much for you on 3.1 as well.

[mat422]

Damn, it sounds like you're really similar to me and are ending up getting the same results at the same pace with Stage 7 that I was. I made the mistake of bailing at around 21 days--don't make the same mistake I did! I look back now and feel like I was oh so close to having a major breakthrough had I stuck around for the final 11 days.

I've lost count, by the way--how many days have you been on Stage 7 now?

Yeah, do you know what your MBTI type is? A lot of the guys I relate to on this forum are the same type as me. I'm glad you stopped by though because a couple of days ago I was strongly considering moving to dmsi. I stuck it out and felt like I pushed past something. I'm at 17 days now, so I'm pretty close to your 21. It wouldn't surprise me if it happens again closer to that time. A lot of this resistance can be unpredictable at times.

I'm an INFP-T -- with like an absurdly high turbulent score (I think I'm like 97% turbulent, if that makes any sense to you).

Same here. Don't know about my turbulent score though. It was probably a hell of a lot higher a few years ago. I had a feeling you were INFP, a lot of what you write I could relate to.

Same here, dude. I've been having horrible problems with my life lately, which is why I haven't been posting, but yeah, very eager to see how you end up after a full 32 days on this sub (that's me being hopeful you'll make it through, of course). It was really, really, really rough sailing for me, and I ended up having to quit, but am curious as to see if it gets better for you by the end.

Also, think you'll respond really well to DMSI. I do admit that I feel as though I was becoming far less turbulent, as you have admitted for yourself, but when I started 3.1 it completely rocked my core and broke me down. I'm sure if I had continued it may have built me back up again anew, but I'd suggest from our personality similarities and my own personal experiences that you wait for 3.2, which I believe will not only be much stronger, but will be much better at overcoming resistance, which I think we manifest similarly and think might be too much for you on 3.1 as well.

Oh I'll make it. My life has been enough of a shit show for me I'm willing to go through hell to come out the other side. Whether or not I'll come out the other side with incredible changes, I can't say. But I have to at least try. I've pretty much stopped putting expectations on my run with these subliminals lately because I find it complicates the whole process. When I think to myself "yeah at the end of this everything will be fixed" it takes me away from the present moment and what I have to do now to get there. It really is the journey, not the destination. That was really hard for me to grasp, but I see it now.

I was reading some of your posts and it sounds like you've got big dreams. I do too. But in order to get there we have to really build ourselves up. I mean like complete overhaul of who we think we are. That's tough because it's pretty much abandoning literally everything we've ever known about ourselves. It's like a blind leap of faith, it's scary as fuck to be honest. It feels like descending into a great unknown abyss to me. I can't see anything and I don't know what's lurking in there either. And the thing that really sucks about it is I've found I can't do anything to quell that fear, talk myself out of it, or otherwise convince my subconscious there's nothing to fear. I've wasted a lot of time and energy trying to figure out how and in the end it didn't make a damn bit of difference. I don't know what it is, but maybe people like you and I are special cases and our physiology is more intense than the average person which leads to an over amplification of our feelings.

But I'll say this. In the amount of time I've experimented with these subliminals the best strategy I've found is to up my exposure and take my mind off of it completely. I've started to recognize the signs of breakthroughs. Usually when I feel like I have to take it easy, that means I have to actually do the exact opposite and push more. I cannot trust my mind while running these subliminals because as soon as I engage it too much I enter this mental battlefield where things get so twisted in my head I can't separate the truth from thoughts being a direct result of resistance.

Btw, how do you listen to your subliminals? Headphones or speakers? If you don't use headphones I'd highly recommend it. Speakers never did it for me, I use headphones almost exclusively. Something about having that stereo effect Shannon talks about really just helps me get past the resistance more.

[kalmah0804]

Damn. You sound so much more emotionally solid than I am right now. I think your strong dedication to sticking with E2 for such a long time has really paid off for you. I can't wait to see where you go when you finish this refresher stage and continue to build yourself up.

And yeah, I use stereo speakers--I find I become too easily overwhelmed by headphone listening, even on very low volumes. I also dislike wearig headphones in general because I like to listen to subs while I sleep or during the day while I do other things like play videogames, watch movies, listen to music, or skype chat with faraway friends.

How many hours/loops do you listen a day?

[mat422]

Damn. You sound so much more emotionally solid than I am right now. I think your strong dedication to sticking with E2 for such a long time has really paid off for you. I can't wait to see where you go when you finish this refresher stage and continue to build yourself up.

And yeah, I use stereo speakers--I find I become too easily overwhelmed by headphone listening, even on very low volumes. I also dislike wearig headphones in general because I like to listen to subs while I sleep or during the day while I do other things like play videogames, watch movies, listen to music, or skype chat with faraway friends.

How many hours/loops do you listen a day?

If I can do it, you can too. I was bad. Really bad. E2 was the catalyst for the most growth in me. But to be honest a lot of this emotional stability feels like it came out of nowhere. Like it was building up over these past few months and stage 7 really finally nailed it in place. I can honestly say, which I never could before, that my intense negative thinking was all a delusion of my mind. Feeling broken, beyond fixing, doomed to a life where I just got by, not able to change, all of it was just a reality I created for myself. It's not the truth, once I accepted that it became easier to disregard it and stop falling into the lies.

You might be further ahead than you consciously perceive. This is something I struggle with. You've changed, but the old reality is still in your mind as the dominant truth so it's masking the newer you. It's like pressure building inside of a bottle. The only thing holding you back is the cap, the delusions, and once your release that cap you finally see what the subliminals have been doing.

I try to get the minimum of 8 hours at night. Then I listen as long as I can during the day if I'm home. So I probably get around 11 hours if I'm consistent. I try to push for as much as possible. I've found overexposure is rarely the problem for me. Quite the opposite actually. Whenever I don't get enough exposure that's when the resistance kicks into high gear and make things hell for me. It's like my mind sees a window for regaining control and makes a mad dash for it and from there things go south pretty fast.

[mat422]

I really like the wisdom enhancement in AM6, feels like I'm learning new things from a different perspective. Fear really blinds you from other possibilities in life. Something I wanted to talk about is the concept of being introverted. You can get lost in your own head just as much as people do venturing out into the world and losing themselves to external pressures of reality. I used to think I would be so far ahead because I was constantly thinking, planning, and analyzing. What I didn't realize is my quest for knowledge, insight, or enlightenment, whatever the hell I was chasing after was no different than the overly materialist guy who goes out and works hard to buy stuff to be happy. Basically, it's wanting to bypass your life and just reach the end where you are content. I chased this dream for a while, thinking that once I figured out everything my life would click into place. But life is all about balance. Put your focus too much outwardly and you get lost. Put your focus too much inwardly and you get lost as well. The trap with inward focus is it feels productive, insightful, or somehow elevated in consciousness, but it's just a clever way to feel better about not doing the things I feared the most.

All that being said I find a lot of that inward focus is what derailed my results with subliminals. Shannon always says to set it and forget it and I agree. The trouble is forgetting about it. I'd always find myself dragged back into some internal battle trying to figure out my problems or meditate them away vs letting it be and allowing the subliminal to work. All under the guise of "helping" or "healing" but really it was self sabotage and resisting the changes the subliminal was trying to make.

[mat422]

Scratch that last post. I'm going to leave it there, but only to show how sometimes resistance can manifest for me. Inward is where I need to go, I see that now. Sometimes I can be so afraid of what's in there I figure out ways to avoid it.

I'm hitting something really rough right now. I think it has to be with being different. Despite all my growth with AM6 I have this feeling that I still haven't shaken. It's this feeling that I need to be someone else. To become someone different vs just allowing myself to be me. The only way I can describe it is it feels like I'm constantly holding my breath around people and then when I'm finally alone I can breathe again. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I don't want to try, I just want to be. I've embodied some alpha qualities, I see that now. However I've also realized I've been using that idea of being alpha as validation and avoiding the deeper insecurities I have. It's weird how I can have this new found confidence in some areas, but in others I'm still the same. I went wrong in the past by assuming I was making it up or faking it and I was still deeply messed up, but I've realized it's all so complex. We can hold simultaneous views of being confident and being worthless, alone, scared, etc. Which is why it's so important to acknowledge growth because sometimes it doesn't come like how you expect it to. If you shoot it down too early it doesn't have a chance to bloom into something else.

[mat422]

So something I'm noticing. I have a lot of days off this week from work. You may think, great all that time to get stuff done! But it's the exact opposite. I was using work as an excuse not to do things. Like "oh it's already 2 and I have work in another 2 hours, might as well just watch tv till then. Work has been a distraction and a way for me to get out of doing things in a guilt free way. In the absence of work I now see how horrible my procrastination is. As convoluted as this sounds, I think I may have been holding onto this job as a way to avoid the responsibilities I know I have to face. In addition to that it's also very likely I've been using it as a way to escape my feelings as well. I've never been one to suggest staying busy to keep your mind off things. The problem with that is when you're alone or have silence the things you've been ignoring come crashing in about 10x worse than if you properly managed them in the first place.

So I'm definitely going through some rough stuff now. But I'm going to work through it and come out the other side stronger. Yesterday was hell for me. I was working obsessively on a song but getting nowhere. I knew I should have taken an extended break, but the idea of all the other stuff I also had to do kept me glued to this project. Still being controlled by fear when it comes to my music, making poor decisions, obsessing over perfection way too much, and being too afraid to finish anything. I'm probably going to take a break from music until whatever I'm working through subsides because I feel like it brings out the worst in me and destroys my enjoyment of creating music.

[mat422]

Am6 is pushing me to be self sufficient and I've been resisting it. I wanted to make a career out of music only because that's what I felt I was sort of good at. Anything outside of that felt like I didn't have the skills or knowledge. I love music, but none of my stuff is in demand. I know one day I'll get there, but for now in that gap I need a way to support myself and for the future as well. It's not giving up, it's just about being responsible. Something I've been neglecting for most of my life because I'm too damn afraid of everything.

So a lot of my crushing depression these past few days is the realization that I'm in no way a self sufficient adult and I've been hanging onto this idealized reality as a way to escape the responsibilities I need to take on. Funny how at 26 years old I still don't feel like a grown adult.

[mat422]

Going through a major transition right now. That last post was just more resistance, more fear, more avoidance, blah. It's a true testament to how those doubts can worm their way into your mind and drag you back down into your old reality. Here's what I've learned.

I've got it all backwards. I keep waiting for outside evidence or things to happen before I believe them. I wait to see proof then I believe. The problem with this is the belief HAS to come first. Otherwise I'm operating from the belief that it's not possible and that's my reality. I'm just hoping that maybe one day things will be different and that screws me up. I've always had this wishy washy attitude of if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't. It's not indifference, it was a way to shield me from potential failure or even trying in the first place. Thinking things like "it wasn't meant to be" they are just poisonous for the mind.

Life isn't as complicated to figure out as most of us think at times. It's really down to finding out what you want to do and disregard all the bullshit that stands in your way. That's it. The problem is some of us don't have belief in ourselves or we value the experiences of others around us more than our own intuition.

For me music has always been my dream. I went from thinking it was completely impossible, to thinking maybe eventually I could get signed on a small indie label, to starting to believe that it's all about my mindset and I can do this. I recognize that there are a lot of fears surrounding becoming more well known with my music. There are also a lot of beliefs about money in general. I decided the other day this humble borderline poverty mentality has to go. Being wealthy doesn't make you a bad person. And being a starving artists doesn't make you anymore authentic than the guy blowing up the mainstream doing what he loves and making a living. There's a lot I need to work on with regards to this goal. I think a sub with dmsi tech but targeted towards creative goals would be amazing. All those manifestations guys are getting with girls, imagine that with fans, other artists, or opportunities to help you get financial success with your art.

[mat422]

Thinking about what Shannon said about my resistance I started more closely monitoring my reaction the sub. So far I'm seeing that fear still blocks me a lot. The other night I laid down and just focused on letting go and trusting the subliminal. But I was met with a lot of fear and what felt like outright rejection from my subconscious.

So AM6 hasn't been a complete loss, I've definitely grown from it. But I have to come to terms with the fact that I am still heavily resisting. Prior to this, the resistance was invisible to me because I kept insisting I wasn't resisting when I was. Or to put it more specifically my mind created this false impression that I was being more receptive to the subliminals than I actually was. This kind of kept me at a certain level and prevented the subliminal from penetrating deeper into my subconscious. Not much I can do now but just let go and try to stop interfering. At least now I can see where I'm resisting instead of being blind to it.

[mat422]

I was thinking about the fear of not being good enough. And it made me realize I've been stuck because I've been caught in an illogical loop of "I'll get my life together when I feel I'm good enough". The problem is fear of never being good enough is a fear and as such it causes undesirable things. Such as endless need for emotional clearing. After a certain point you have to say enough is enough, even if I'm not perfect I have to go out there and live my life.

I'm just tired of living like this. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be good at everything I do. I avoid jobs with high responsibilities and challenges because I'm too harsh on myself when I screw up or don't meet someone's expectations. The real slap in the face is when I was losing sleep over this retail job. And I think about it and I'm just like why do I do this to myself? This need for validation that I'm good enough leaves a lot of room for manipulation and it causes me a lot of misery. But ultimately it's my doing because I give people those opportunities to take advantage of me and don't set up boundaries. It's the painful realization that I seem to still desperately crave the approval of other people. But it's not for attention, it's for fear of not being good enough.

I'm just done. I want to be done with it all. The final straw was when I was working on some music the other day and agonizing over all this technical shit and I stopped and realized I wasn't enjoying it. It became more of an ego validation thing with how I could make the most unique sounds, have the best sound engineering, punchiest drums, blah, blah, blah. Everything except the music, which is what I've always cared about and what got me into it.

This whole IDGAF mask was all bullshit. Just another layer of me that was overcompensating for the deeper insecurities I still face. The least alpha thing you can do is act alpha and that's what I've been doing. Acting alpha and trying to convince myself that I wasn't insecure anymore in order to feel like I was good enough. I'm at a point in my life where I'd rather face my deepest more shameful insecurities than walk around pretending they aren't there and over inflating my ego to compensate.

[kalmah0804]

I'm going through literally the exact same shit as you, feeling this overwhelming need to get my life together but also feeling too crappy/withdrawn/hopeless to accomplish much of anything, and when I do gain the motivation to write or work, I bog myself down obsessing over everything being absolutely perfect (even when it doesn't need to be) that I psych myself out and don't end up getting much of anything done regardless to the point where I question my dreams/goals and how much they're actually worth to me to begin with.

I think AM6's programming might either be really good for artist-types or really bad, but I'm not sure. It seems that AM6 refocuses the user on attaining a more actionable, trustworthy, reliable source of income/career than being an artist type, which is fine, but it's also possible that it's just evening out your ego so that your goals/dreams are more realistic and healthy but also still feel more attainable and within reach.

Eager to see how the last 9 or 10 days of the refresher evens these thoughts and feelings out for you.

[mat422]

I'm going through literally the exact same shit as you, feeling this overwhelming need to get my life together but also feeling too crappy/withdrawn/hopeless to accomplish much of anything, and when I do gain the motivation to write or work, I bog myself down obsessing over everything being absolutely perfect (even when it doesn't need to be) that I psych myself out and don't end up getting much of anything done regardless to the point where I question my dreams/goals and how much they're actually worth to me to begin with.

I think AM6's programming might either be really good for artist-types or really bad, but I'm not sure. It seems that AM6 refocuses the user on attaining a more actionable, trustworthy, reliable source of income/career than being an artist type, which is fine, but it's also possible that it's just evening out your ego so that your goals/dreams are more realistic and healthy but also still feel more attainable and within reach.

Eager to see how the last 9 or 10 days of the refresher evens these thoughts and feelings out for you.

Glad it's not just me. Yeah I think financial stability is important and Am6 definitely feels like it pushes for that. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. What is bad is when you still have fears surrounding what you really want and start deluding yourself into believing that more reliable career is good enough when it's not. Right now it feels like I'm purging a lot of old programming from my parents and other people who pretty much filled my head with what's "realistic" in life. Letting go of these limitations is what I'm practicing now.

[kalmah0804]

That's exactly what I'm going through right now as the effects of the AM Refresher phase I didn't finish start to wear off--it's that balancing of risking your financial stability to achieve your farfetched dreams as opposed to finding something more steady and reliable to help execute the goals of the program in the immediate sense. From my perspective, an assistant-level entertainment gig pays very little and adds a ton of misery and stress to my life, leaves me with no time or energy to execute on other aspects of the program, so it feels like I veer towards finding an easy or steady/reliable job that pays moderately well and that I can easily keep down.

That being said, my writing has been my dream ever since I was small, and I still firmly do believe I have the talent to one day become a great success--and being an assistant can often become a huge stepping stone for "making it" in my chosen field. Balancing the needs to execute in the short term as well as the long term is definitely a tough thing, and a lot of it certainly does have to do with fear of failing or losing it all, or at the very least, taking a huge risk on yourself and never having anything to show for it.