A Better Alex, stage 2: ASC Journal

[apollolux]

Just had a friendly conversation with a random elderly Cuban woman in the coffee shop who lives in the neighborhood. What a contrast from yesterday where college administrators chose to talk at me instead. Also, a couple of 7/10 possible MILFs are giving me the hair-behind-the-ear signal while they wait on line for coffee.

Why won't my subconscious cooperate and allow me consistency in conscious experiences? Or is this part of the internal conflict that needs to be resolved before the sub's message can solidify?

[Nox]

Consistency can be another way of saying stagnation. That back and forth change can help you hit as high as possible before plateauing. Yeah, it sucks a lot, but long term it can be a definite boon.

[apollolux]

Maybe. So far inconsistency in my life has resulted in legitimate concern over physical and mental health and unreliable and untenable employment and housing occurrences.

Semi-related, just finished my appointment with therapist and apparently the fear and feeling that I'm being punished for being male is strong and supposedly deeply rooted. I know and acknowledge that I will need to eventually allow myself the time and patience to run and process EHPRA again, but I don't feel I have that just yet, as I feel like I continue to react instead of respond, always defensive instead of being proactive, and that when running and processing EHPRA I feel overly sensitive and not necessarily in control of my emotions and presence.

[Jamie23445]

Hows your run going with ASC such a great sub for me

[apollolux]

In the early days of ASC I felt extremely uncalibrated and off-balance internally as the overwhelming amount of doing "only those things that increase, improve and strengthen my self confidence" and such seemed to overpower the desire to "balance my ego with humility to become genuinely self confident." I grew up essentially feeling like I was being shamed and punished for being male by a single mother who's been through some stuff in her own life and eventually by female peers, and apparently the desire to prove I'm good enough didn't allow me to let the ego balancing statement(s) initially take hold. They eventually did, but it took quite some time before that happened due to me also consciously feeling like me being humble was being disingenuous and fake. I feel much more internally balanced now, but I still harbor anger and disappointment toward some people because of their actions, as well as a lack of an outlet (e.g. a punching bag) to release that built up anger properly.

EHPRA, which I originally ran to target that shame and some fears, was too powerful and if I had run it during the semester instead of the summer I would have a blubbering inconsolable mess and unable to concentrate on classes.

[apollolux]

Whoa, had a hell of a dream this morning. Normally I don't post dreams but this was extremely interesting and detailed.

I was walking in my neighborhood when a plane (consumer travel jet) flying overhead spins out and crashes into the elevated train tracks of the nearby train station. The logo on the plane is Pan-Am, a long defunct American airliner. This crash causes panic and I call my mother to make sure she's OK. I start walking back to the apartment to which I was previously exiled, only to find my Asian (Chinese or southeast Asian) girlfriend (possibly wife) head out to "scavenge" like it was the Apocalypse. Time passes in this small apartment by myself and I'm viewing it in third person like it's a video game. Most of the details past this point are a blur, but I remember something about convicts trying to take refuge in my apartment, Martha Stewart, and ice blocks during winter like some modern looking version of Kickle Cubicle.

Weird.

[apollolux]

HOLY CRAP I LEFT MY LOCKER OPEN.

I just finished my workout to find that my locker is open. A quick check of things though seems that everything is still where I left them; wallet with cards and cash, boots, everything is still here.

Astonishing difference from December when someone forced their way into my locker and only took my Vibrams, shampoo, deodorant spray, and a few other odd toiletries.

[Dzemoo]

I am vegan so i take a lot of my protein in form of soy and it didnt make me feminin. But i am also taking anti estrogens.

Ginko made me bad mooded too, its shit in my opinion.

[apollolux]

Futility and depression feels very strong today, almost like dread. Maybe because I didn't get much sleep for two nights in a row (4 hours or less each), maybe because I feel unprepared and/or under-prepared for the two major exams I have today, I don't know which is the greater influence to this feeling right now. I feel the need to keep scolding myself, saying "buck up" and "take your medicine and learn from it" as if these exams aren't directly important to my grades and my progress in college.

I've already enumerated what occupies space in my head currently with my therapist a couple of days ago and he insists my experience is not normal and is impressed that I haven't given up. Even in a university setting where people in my major and my classes have better grades and GPAs than I do, there are still people who consider me smart and helpful and I feel pressured to live up to those expectations. Even a friend of mine who went to school with me as a kid who became a very successful accountant at a prestigious firm believed I was smarter than he was/is.

The difference is before IML subs I probably would have folded under the pressure, but with these motivational audio programs giving me nonstop positive encouragement 12 hours a day my first thought in circumstances like these is "it is still achievable" and that I will survive the trials ahead of me. But how do I do that when the odds are stacked so thoroughly against me?

[apollolux]

Went to the doctor today to get lab results from my physical and she informed me that my testosterone level of 360, even though it's technically within the "acceptable" range of about 200 to about 850, was below average for my age, about 550. I forget what the units of measurement were, possibly nmol or nmcg.

Would BIABWS and/or DAOS allow subconscious interpretation of its "become sexier" messaging to include "become sexier by boosting testosterone" or would I need to get Testosterone Maximizer 5G as the definitive subliminal solution in a test boosting regimen which includes better diet and exercise practices? Are there even any reliable testimonials re positive results from TEMM5G?

[Dzemoo]

Did you use roids or is your testosterone by nature low

[apollolux]

Did you use roids or is your testosterone by nature low

It seems to be low by nature or by an excess of estrogen, I did not use roids.

[4Kingdoms]

Did you use roids or is your testosterone by nature low

It seems to be low by nature or by an excess of estrogen, I did not use roids.

My testosterone levels were low because I worked the graveyard shift and didn't get enough sunlight. As soon as I made it a habit to get two hours a day of sunlight, my testosterone levels returned to normal.

[apollolux]

Just finished up my birthday. Had an appointment with my therapist, then my "traditional pinot grigio at Olive Garden," and finally my mom got me cake. I didn't get to spend it with a romantic or sexual prospect like I wanted to, so I was disappointed about that.

My therapist feels I've been extremely resilient given my circumstances, even before subliminal audio. I'm still trying to figure out how so I can resolve the remainder of my major issues.