Magnus' journal

[Magnus]

So back to alpha crazy things continue to happen like yesterday I standing outside work and a mother a daughter walk past and the mother says "hes gorgeous" pointing at me the daughter looked over embarrassed. Now I have lost a lot of weight and improved my look and style but these sorts of things have never happened to me ever so its kind of cool and also helps disprove a limiting belief I've had for a long time that i'm not good looking enough.

aside from that i'm a little more extroverted in the later weeks of stage 4 and my social life is picking up a bit more.

I've also found myself becoming a bit more grateful for what I have and the progress I have made. When I look back 6 months and see that I was on the verge of suicide (calling depression help lines and thinking I would never get better) as my relationship was breaking down. I was also just about to lose my job due to my performance slipping. It hasn't been a easy road to travel but its a road i'm now extremely grateful I travelled.

So I can now say that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and the way forward from here.

[Patti]

It's so great that you are feeling better about yourself. I am so happy for you!

[Magnus]

Thanks Patti things are starting to look up I have a long way to go but i'm happy with progress and a couple more runs through alpha male should sort the rest.

So finished stage 4 last night

Changes I've noticed

* Getting noticed a lot more by women (Unfortunately not ones I'm overly physically attracted to) even though I sometimes put this down to weight loss I know mindset makes up the majority of it
* Fluctuating confidence and extroversion - sometimes feel very confident and extroverted other times just can't be assed talking
* Gym program going strong and i'm starting to put on a lot more muscle as well as lifting the heaviest weights I ever have
* Generally more concerned about what I eat and getting in shape although that slips at times for a few days
* Social life is picking up a bit so its back to almost where it was before my last relationship
* A little more confident in touching girls and "pulling the trigger"
* Had random girls say "hes gorgeous" and "youre bloody cute" which is something I've never had said to my face apart from one or two girlfriends
* Drop in neediness a little
* Less motivated at work than I was when I was on stage 3

Thats about all I can think of at the moment. Looking forward to starting stage 5

[Ryan]

Way to go Jimbo, you're getting there!

[Magnus]

Cheers Ryan its starting to feel like it.

Well started on stage 5 last night and woke up this morning feeling the worst I had since the start of stage 3. Had this huge feeling of rejection in my chest as well as thoughts of my ex coming up a lot. So definitely some resistance here

[Magnus]

Whatever stage 5 is hitting on is causing some major resistance comparable to the reaistance in stage 1 and 2. I wake up feeling tired and down each morning. At the same time i say what i think most of the time and people are still reacting a little differently

[Magnus]

So I am now beginning to think that I concentrate way to much on women. I also see this from a lot of guys. I'm also starting to think I may follow the advice I got from another forum and take time of dating, sex, porn basically anything to do with women to allow myself to heal completely from both my last relationship and past issues. If I decide this to be the case I won't be running SM next but instead as long as Shannon says its ok running AM5 to deal more with my issues around abandonment, approval seeking etc. I know at times during stage 2 and 3 I was starting to deal with these but I need more work on them

[Magnus]

So after reading ryans post in his journal and seeing his results i'm starting to wonder what is the best program to run after AM.

I want to be able to stop making women such a focus in my life and concentrate more on hobbies, friends and creating the life I want. I guess for me it comes down to neediness. Now I know alpha has addressed this a bit and i'm not as bad as I used to be but I can feel it seeping back in in stage 4 and 5.

Advice on what might be best to run next?

[Spiral]

If I were you do either SM to kill neediness and in the end with drive up your desire and passion to succeed in all things and the added xtra benefit of the incredible amounts of attention you will receive from women (I did have motivation issues with SM however). Ooor do carpe diem with seek the challenge which is what I will be doing in a few months.

I was going to go on and on but that's my 2 cents. I'll let others chime in on this.

[enoch]

aura of sexiness makes you want to focus on improving yourself specially on your physical appearance. im going to start playing it again once i get to stage 6.

[Magnus]

thanks for the feedback guys. Ill have to really have a think through what the best approach is here.

I do know I think about women so much because of a very deeply ingrained fear of abandonment which leads me to search women out to try and fill that hole that I can't full myself. Unfortunately this is one thing alpha so far hasn't helped me with. I'm starting some work by Susan Anderson around this to work on it on a conscious level until Shannon has had the time to develop a sub specifically for it.

One thing I've noticed so far on stage 5 is I'm speaking my mind a lot more and not caring about what others think. I wouldn't say i'm extroverted yet but i'm slowly getting there. I'm also noticing people praising me a lot more but at the same time it doesn't get to my head so much. Something cool happened the other night as well my mum congratulated me on my weight loss and it was the first time I had ever seen in her eyes that she was really proud

The only bad thing I've had from stage 5 is that I talk about myself to much but at the same time don't care that I do if that makes sense

[Javier Gerardo]

Congrats on the weight loss man! I know you exerted a lot of effort in it so you definitely deserve the success you got.

[Magnus]

Thanks Javier appreciated it.

So i'm not sure if its stage 5 or things outside but I have been feeling very depressed since starting it. So much so that people have asked if i'm ok. Not to sure what stage 5 is doing but only 1.5 weeks in so will wait and see. In all honesty I feel a lot like I did when I was starting high school at the moment. Feeling of loneliness coming up as well as feels of not being good enough.

I've started love and appreciated yourself. Its a toss up between that and extreme self esteem though as something I want to run till the end of stage 6 alpha. I know that my whole life I've never felt worthwhile, never felt loved and never felt good enough.

I've also finished up reading no more mr nice guy and its amazing how much I relate back to everything that it talks about in there. I'm working through everything in there along with my subs and therapy.

[Shannon]

Some stages will touch on "sensitive spots", and while that issue is being dealt with, they may trigger "inflammation", as it were, until the issue is dealt with. It sometimes gets worked out by the end of the set, and sometimes takes multiple run-throughs.