Magnus' journal

[Patti]

I think that sometimes we can have thoughts or visions that scare us because we don't understand them. It does seem to me that maybe since you have abandonment issues, that may be why you're seeing this vision. Next time it happens, try to relax and take notice. Is the baby ok? Is there anything else you can see in the darkness? Maybe you just were scared of the dark at a very young age and that feeling is just stuck and trying to be released.

[Shannon]

So i'm now off review at work and my boss is saying how much potential I have and how well I've been doing lately. Hes also been coming to me for management advice as well.

I do have a question though Shannon for the last few weeks I have had this image popping up in my head quite often. It scares me like nothing has ever scared me before. It is a image that came up from when I listen to a guided imagery exercise around abandonment. This is something I don't know how to deal with, its that scary. Its a baby alone in a dark room with no one around. Any suggestions on how I deal with this one Shannon? It scares me more than anything ever has before and its been coming up a lot over the last few weeks

That is definitely something I can relate to. When I was very young... maybe two years old... I had a situation that happened that scared me (and scarred me) deeply concerning that sort of thing.

The image deals with you as helpless (baby), being alone, and dealing with the unknown (the dark). Very scary indeed. The way I would deal with it is as follows:

In your mind's eye, when you imagine this scenario, intentionally take control of the imagining. First, turn the lights on, and have them reveal a comforting atmosphere, where... second, you are not alone! And third, have the baby rapidly grow to an age where it is possible for him to take care of himself, and then see him successfully and confidently doing exactly that.

Next, another thing you can do is remind yourself that what has happened in the past is done and gone, and that it is time to deal with and release it.

Do those every time you experience that image, and over time, it will lose it's fear factor.

[Magnus]

Thanks Shannon and Patti. Yes the baby is physically OK just scared and alone, I know its a dark room with a cot and a bed and a small window. Ill have to give that one a go thanks Shannon I can actually see that as helping a lot. I tried at first to turn the light on but still had a feeling of being all alone so ill have to add a comforting atmosphere and a really comforting person to it as well as seeing the child grow older. I'm pretty sure this one centers in around abandonment and is a very deeply held fear that has been hidden for a loooong time.

I've also realized I have to stop being so hard on myself. I am being hard on myself, literally beating myself up inside around my eating and my life at present and not having the motivation to do anything. I have realized i'm at a tough point I am still grieving, I am going through AM which is going to be tough and through that i'm doing well at work. I have to cut myself a little slack and not let others get to me either as they have no idea what I am going through at present.

[Magnus]

So at the moment i dont know what i want in life or where im going or who i am very odd feeling. On the good side dont have any anxiety just feel down and lack any energy to do anything.

Living with my parents makes me feel like im inbetween a rock and a hard place as as much as i love my mum ive come to realise how manipulative and negative she is. I wish she would get help but that really isnt for me to get her to do. Ive also noticed i have zero desire to socialise and am sleeping alot. May even be starting anti depressants again. Ive also had thoughts of stopping AM even though i know i must push through.

At the moment it feels like work is the only thing going right but in some way thats ok

[Magnus]

So as always another interesting night. A bouncer checked my id looked at me and laughed the called me cassanova. I look nothing like my id now. Also got called a pretty boy a few times and got told i look like george cloony which is a new one. Also started realizing how much some people bullshit. There was a guy I was out with last night who I thought was a pretty cool guy at first then he started going on about how many girls he gets and so on which started to get me a little angry as I could tell he was talking shit then we go out and he could hardly talk to girls and when he could he was being a complete try hard. Maybe this reminds me of what I was like/am still like a little or maybe I'm just sick of people bragging not to sure

My ex contacted me last night as well and i was really open and honest with her (which in itself is an IDGAF type mentality). She was angry at me when she first contacted me which i ignored then she appologised later. Surprisingly the anxiety from the contact is alot less than usual. I will see what its like in a few days before i call it progress. Also last night my ex asked if id come back (Not reading into that as we are apart), I say her best friend and ended up in the club listening to the same song that we danced to just after we got together that was "our song". Now I don't know a lot about manifestation or the law of attraction but last night it seemed the universe was trying to get us back together or at very least give me as much notice of her as possible. I'm also not one for the whole sole mate idea but I do wonder if maybe there is such a thing and two people can just meet at the wrong time in their lives to be able to make it work.

[Shannon]

Couple of points. First, living at home with parents is difficult to do while using AM. It's going to push you to get out on your own. Which leads to point 2: sleeping a lot can be an avoidance technique. Instead of avoiding, accomplish. Make the changes you need to make.

[Magnus]

Thanks shannon

Im hoping that it gives me the push i need to get out as its always been one of my biggest fears. My plan is to spend less and less time there and hopefully the holiday i have coming up will help show me i have nothing to fear.

Interesting on the second point. I thought it may have been due to lack of motivation but ill start pushing myself more to do what i need to do.

[Magnus]

So that post got me thinking Shannon. I've got to do some work on this consciously and set out some sort of plan to start to move in the direction I need to go in.

So points I need to address and have started addressing

1. Move out of my parents place: I'm starting work on that image i talked about earlier as well as that I have to come up with some ideas of things to do in the evenings to keep me out of the house and also going away on holiday will assist here. First off I go to a mens group once a week on a tuesday night as well as catching up weekly on a Sunday, I also go out every friday and saturday night (Although I have to cut back on the drinking on these nights). More ideas to come around hobbies etc. Difficulty with this one is i'm such an introvert at the moment, so internally focused.

2. Move on from needing to be with my ex: Now this one is interesting something just came to mind today just a sudden thought. I love her unconditionally so why do I need to be with her. This thought took away from the need and the expectation of an outcome as I believe with unconditional love you expect nothing in return and so are free of worry around it. This has so far taken away from the anxiety and the depression surrounding it.

3. Start working towards other ideas to make money: For this I need to start working on my affiliate site. Now I know what to do here its just a matter of doing it.

4. Avoidance: This is going to be hard to deal with. Sleeping and playing games on my phone are avoidance. As well as the amount of time I spend on here. Being consciously aware and correcting myself when this comes up may be the way to go

5. Weight loss (fat more to the point) : Now i'm going along the right track but I have adjustments to make. I drink two mochas a day which I need to change to black coffee and get back to the gym an extra 3 days a week. Which will also tie back into point number one.

So that's what I need to do to get me out of this feeling of being inbetween a rock and a hard place. Slow subtle changes should make them achievable.

[Shannon]

Sounds good. The most sure way to achieve success, and may wealthy people have told me this... is to set a major goal well above what you really want to achieve. Then map out what it will take to achieve it, break it up into small steps and map short, medium and long term goals, and then simply take one small step at a time. That's what I am doing. Some steps will be more challenging than others, but it's a series of small single steps that adds up to a walk of any distance.

[Magnus]

Thanks Shannon for pointing all this out its made me aware of the way I avoid doing things and actually getting to where I want to be.

Sounds very similar to a concept in NLP, actually pretty much exactly the same. Ill have to put that into practice. With some direction and action taking I should do very well as I have been told I have most of the qualities of some very successful entrepreneurs as well as the knowledge needed to go into the areas I want to go into and with the help of AM I should get on the direction I want to be heading

[Spiral]

Nice advice Shannon. One of the hardest things is though to figure out what that "major goal" is. That's asking yourself "What do you want to be when you grow up." But some of us still have no idea me included. What is your "major goal" and how long did it take you to make a firm decision that it would be your "major goal"?

[Shannon]

Nice advice Shannon. One of the hardest things is though to figure out what that "major goal" is. That's asking yourself "What do you want to be when you grow up." But some of us still have no idea me included. What is your "major goal" and how long did it take you to make a firm decision that it would be your "major goal"?

My major goal is to be so successful that my actions and existence have long term and far reaching positive effects on the whole world, in multiple directions. Some of my sub-goals include:

• Demonstrating the power, success and value of doing business in an old fashined customer focused way, instead of blindly and childishly focusing everything on immediate results and money above all else. (The "bottom line" isn't money. Why did grandpa understand that, but nobody in business seems to these days?)
  
• Being able to "sponsor" entire orphanages in several countries, so that the children who I can help grow up getting fed well, educated well about things that will make a positive difference in their future success, growing into self reliant, strong, confident healthy, productive adults, etc.
  
• Making major progress in developing the knowledge and technology in this field, and making the subject more widely knowl, understood and accepted as valid.
  
• Genuinely improving the quality of life for as many people as possible through the research I do and programs I create, over the long term.
  

I have always known at some level that that would be my major goal... I didn't know how to get there until around August 2nd, 2005.

It's not a matter of how long. It's a matter of what. I was looking in all sorts of directions that were apparently not right. I was looking for jobs like military, police, fire fighter... all great, respectable jobs, which is why I wanted them.

But my strengths were forcibly shown to me by cancer, which took those options away from me (if they were ever there to begin with, considering the stress induced asthma I had even before the chemo). I was left with... what can I do while I am sitting at the computer to make myself successful? It took me a while to figure it out, but then again... I didn't even know I was figuring it out at that time. Back then, I was focused on "How do I manage to get mom to stop harping at me all the time for things that are out of my control?" Like, for instance, getting fired because the guy stealing all my sales was sleeping with the Boss's Boss... or having the qualifications to do a training job... actually doing that training job in addition to my own full time job at the same place... and being told I was doing a better job of it, in spite of all that, than the people who trained me... while consistently being one of the top three performers in my original job out of 200+ people. And then I am told I cannot have the trainer job because I am not qualified... because the floor manager was afraid I would end up in her position, so she invented new qualifications for the trainer job that nobody had ever had while holding it before... or having a floor manager at a different place decide I was fired because I could not afford to buy new shoes when I was not making enough money there to pay my bills... and my shoes she was insisting I replace didn't look any different than anyone else's shoes....

So basically it was consistently being shit on by whomever I tried to work for, while never being able to pay my bills no matter how much, how hard, or how well I worked or did my job... regardless of the job... that pushed me into working for myself, and when I realized that I could actually become independently wealthy doing this, and possibly achieve my "Gosh, I wish I could do this someday" goals as well.

[Magnus]

So ive decided i am depressed so have started back on anti depressants. This is a note to myself so i know the day i started back on them

[Spiral]

Thanks for the reply, Shannon. I may be looking in the wrong places and maybe I need to go through some times that make me think even harder about my life situation than what's happening now (honestly I'd rather not). In fact.. I just noticed one of your sub goals is similar to something I've thought about for a couple of years now and that's providing healthy living conditions, clean water, and food for the children in Africa. It's a very bold goal to have.. I think.

Jimbobday, you should check out the book Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. No need to be depressed my friend. But do what you have to do.