My healing journey - E2, Cold showers, Root chakra meditation

[Greenduck]

I think something deep is changing in me - again. I feel like I have pretended to be someone for so long and I am now starting to just be me, and learning to accept who I am, instead of running away from that person. That's the only way that growth can happen and relationships be authentic. I have always tried to be a "strong person" rather than just be myself. Like I had to be a strong person to inspire others, rather to listen to my own needs and be the one I need to be. I have been protecting myself from something that I don't even know what it is.

[Greenduck]

Previously I have felt that I was dependent upon others in the way I behaved, i.e. it was hard to me to do something that other didn't see as appropriate. But as I grow myself, I become freer from other peoples judgement and their ability to control me with their frame of thought (I guess that my "frame" is becoming stronger then?). It's a slow progress but still liberating. I feel tensions getting released in by abdomen when I listen to the subliminal.

[Greenduck]

I have so much problem with my mother right now. I feel like I just want her to go to hell and go f*ck herself. I don't do this, as it would have catastrophic consequences and i would probably be kicked out of the house. At the same time I am watching this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsBRrVqAAs8) where Gabor Maté talk about suppressed emotions and how we are stuck in behaviors rooted in our childhood. This is exactly it. I couldn't just say what I thought and felt because it would upset my mom too much. I started to shut down internally, and taking care of her emotions instead. Becoming a surrogate parent. I'm f*cking furious about this right now, at her, at my f*cking coward that who couldn't handle conflict but was to f*cking scared and just tried to put it under the rug. Things wasn't discussed and emotions were held back, making the connection inauthentic and it still is. But I started to give less f*ck about how other people feel about what I say and I just say it. Not to a degree I want to, but slowly and steadily I am expressing myself more freely and without so much inhibitions regarding on how it will be received depending on my tone of voice, etc. I just say what's inside of me, without this additional step that I always have taken in "how till the other person respond to this emotionally". That isn't authentic, saying what you feel and how you feel it is authentic, and it's up to the other person to deal with it, it's not my responbility, not my f*cking responsibility.

Phew. Lots of anger coming up now clearly.

EDIT:
I had a walk and some deeeeep rooted anger came up, my whole body tensed up and i started breathing heavily. Some of it was directed towards my mom and how she abused me emotionally during my lowest point of my depression and took out all her fear just because she could. I felt like I would be ready to kick the ass out of anyone who would try to do that again.

[Greenduck]

I saw an interesting Family Guy episode where Stewie goes to a phychiatrist and talks about his problems (Which he don't want to admit having in the beginning) - like that he cares much about what other people think about him. After a while he have a meltdown, get to sing a song and become appreciated and then he start to speak with his real voice (not brittish but maerican) and talk about that he has been hiding his true self all the time, because he was afraid of being vulnerable. But when the doctor says "now you can finally be as everone else" something snaps in him and he reverts back to his old self (and later on kills the dr in classic Stewie way without showing any signs of empathy saying "this isn't something new to me"... lol)

Why I found it interesting was because clearly Stewie is a narcissist, who can't accept being as everone else, who is sees as of lower value than himself. And something with this was relatable for me, my mom is a full-point narcissist, and can never be vulnerable but always hide behind a facade. It would be weird if this haven't had effects on me, and as I think about it I have always felt superior in some kind of way, and at the same time as I have been gone around life hiding my true self. Being as everone else have always had negative connotations, but I start to realize that this is what I want. I want to feel like everone else - by being myself.

E2 is really poking at some deep things now, and the fear and stress that have been fueling the narcissistic comping mechanisms and the fear of showing my "true self" (lol i wrote that in quotation, don't know why) but it is really my true self, is being brought to surface, not painfully, but just consciously. I think I will overcome this and finally be able to be myself regardless of what other people think of me and overcome this deep fear I have been carrying about being judged.

[Benjamin]

The last sentence sounds really good. I bet E3 will kick this into overdrive, do you plan to use it when it comes out?

[findingme]

Greenduck, I too have hid myself behind masks my entire life. I've either thought I was way above and elitist to certain people, but more commonly I've gone into a less competent, less worthy, self-denigrating role (E2 helps me with this). I'll be starting LTU 5.5 next week since it has Universal Detox in it, and that sub hit me straight on, calling me on my lies and facades I lived by on a daily basis. UD has my utmost appreciation, as it cleaned out powerful self deceptions I'd completely dismissed. Putting it together with E3 in LTU is golden due to the deep pains and awarenesses UD can bring up.

Your persistence with E2 is noteworthy to me due to the length of time you've been on it. You've cleaned out a lot, seeing by your honest regular posts, and in almost any mood imaginable. You have my respect.

I look forward to reading your E3 journal

[findingme]

I have so much problem with my mother right now. I feel like I just want her to go to hell and go f*ck herself. I don't do this, as it would have catastrophic consequences and i would probably be kicked out of the house. At the same time I am watching this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsBRrVqAAs8) where Gabor Maté talk about suppressed emotions and how we are stuck in behaviors rooted in our childhood. This is exactly it. I couldn't just say what I thought and felt because it would upset my mom too much. I started to shut down internally, and taking care of her emotions instead. Becoming a surrogate parent. I'm f*cking furious about this right now, at her, at my f*cking coward that who couldn't handle conflict but was to f*cking scared and just tried to put it under the rug. Things wasn't discussed and emotions were held back, making the connection inauthentic and it still is. But I started to give less f*ck about how other people feel about what I say and I just say it. Not to a degree I want to, but slowly and steadily I am expressing myself more freely and without so much inhibitions regarding on how it will be received depending on my tone of voice, etc. I just say what's inside of me, without this additional step that I always have taken in "how till the other person respond to this emotionally". That isn't authentic, saying what you feel and how you feel it is authentic, and it's up to the other person to deal with it, it's not my responbility, not my f*cking responsibility.

Phew. Lots of anger coming up now clearly.

EDIT:
I had a walk and some deeeeep rooted anger came up, my whole body tensed up and i started breathing heavily. Some of it was directed towards my mom and how she abused me emotionally during my lowest point of my depression and took out all her fear just because she could. I felt like I would be ready to kick the ass out of anyone who would try to do that again.

That's pure growth happening there man. Major growth!

It takes guts to go through what you've suppressed your entire life. Respect.

[Greenduck]

The last sentence sounds really good. I bet E3 will kick this into overdrive, do you plan to use it when it comes out?

Thanks, yes that was some deep stuff. Yeah I am thinking about it, right now I feel that E2 is really hitting some stuff, my only concern is that that would be interrupted if I change to E3, but that's maybe hard to answer. I will ponder for a while what to do, the important thing is that E2 is working

Greenduck, I too have hid myself behind masks my entire life. I've either thought I was way above and elitist to certain people, but more commonly I've gone into a less competent, less worthy, self-denigrating role (E2 helps me with this). I'll be starting LTU 5.5 next week since it has Universal Detox in it, and that sub hit me straight on, calling me on my lies and facades I lived by on a daily basis. UD has my utmost appreciation, as it cleaned out powerful self deceptions I'd completely dismissed. Putting it together with E3 in LTU is golden due to the deep pains and awarenesses UD can bring up.

Your persistence with E2 is noteworthy to me due to the length of time you've been on it. You've cleaned out a lot, seeing by your honest regular posts, and in almost any mood imaginable. You have my respect.

I look forward to reading your E3 journal

Thanks man. +1 on the any mood possible. Sounds nice, I will follow your LTU-journey. Are you doing any other work on yourself other than subliminals?

I have so much problem with my mother right now. I feel like I just want her to go to hell and go f*ck herself. I don't do this, as it would have catastrophic consequences and i would probably be kicked out of the house. At the same time I am watching this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsBRrVqAAs8) where Gabor Maté talk about suppressed emotions and how we are stuck in behaviors rooted in our childhood. This is exactly it. I couldn't just say what I thought and felt because it would upset my mom too much. I started to shut down internally, and taking care of her emotions instead. Becoming a surrogate parent. I'm f*cking furious about this right now, at her, at my f*cking coward that who couldn't handle conflict but was to f*cking scared and just tried to put it under the rug. Things wasn't discussed and emotions were held back, making the connection inauthentic and it still is. But I started to give less f*ck about how other people feel about what I say and I just say it. Not to a degree I want to, but slowly and steadily I am expressing myself more freely and without so much inhibitions regarding on how it will be received depending on my tone of voice, etc. I just say what's inside of me, without this additional step that I always have taken in "how till the other person respond to this emotionally". That isn't authentic, saying what you feel and how you feel it is authentic, and it's up to the other person to deal with it, it's not my responbility, not my f*cking responsibility.

Phew. Lots of anger coming up now clearly.

EDIT:
I had a walk and some deeeeep rooted anger came up, my whole body tensed up and i started breathing heavily. Some of it was directed towards my mom and how she abused me emotionally during my lowest point of my depression and took out all her fear just because she could. I felt like I would be ready to kick the ass out of anyone who would try to do that again.

That's pure growth happening there man. Major growth!

It takes guts to go through what you've suppressed your entire life. Respect.

Thanks man. Yeah little by little it goes forward. I am looking forward to this year.

Thanks for your comments, I came home with a really shitty mood yesterday after beeing out drinking, I really felt self-hate for some reason. But I woke up and listened to E2 and feeling OK again. Overall I had a pretty OK time out yesterday, I still feel insecure around girls, and don't really know how to talk to them. It's the lack of sense of self that I carry that gets in the way, but now I am at least able to hang around with my friends and have a pretty good time. Also chatted with my friends tinder-date yesterday and we really had some good laughs and enjoyed each others company, so that was a clear positive!

[Greenduck]

i'm starting to be able to protect myself from my mother more and more. The guilt I have been driven by is slowly been replaced with a sense of boundaries and sense of self. I don't need to be who she want me to be, but can just _be_ and not getting dragged into her relentless search for validation.

[Greenduck]

I had a dream of me being with some other people in a smaller boat. I read online that a boat in a dream often is a representation of your life, and I dreamt that the boat sinked because of the weight of the people in it. My interpretation of it is that if I take on to much responsibility of other peoples problems, my boat, my life, will sink.

[TheWeapon]

Cool journal man. I love how you're able to write all this stuff out so well. You must have high emotional intelligence. I can relate to a lot of the posts, but could not work out to write such things about myself so it helps to read others.

[findingme]

Are you doing any other work on yourself other than subliminals?

Not currently. I'm realizing why I didn't respond immediately when I read this days ago. It's a fear of change, trying hard to not change. And even some long time good habits I'm actually questioning my motives for.

One thing I'm questioning are my motives recently for wanting to go to 12 step meetings. Old desires I relied upon were people liking me since I've not liked myself. I also habitually put up walls and fronts due to fears and imaginations of being rejected. Life isn't bad at all on E2, so I've not been forcing anything recently. For me, forcing things is coupled with self hate. That's not what I want, so I'm respecting my own desires presently.

[Greenduck]

Cool journal man. I love how you're able to write all this stuff out so well. You must have high emotional intelligence. I can relate to a lot of the posts, but could not work out to write such things about myself so it helps to read others.

Thanks man, I really appreciate you saying that. I will try to take it in. Happy that I could give you something without even realizing it. Good luck with your journey.

Are you doing any other work on yourself other than subliminals?

Not currently. I'm realizing why I didn't respond immediately when I read this days ago. It's a fear of change, trying hard to not change. And even some long time good habits I'm actually questioning my motives for.

One thing I'm questioning are my motives recently for wanting to go to 12 step meetings. Old desires I relied upon were people liking me since I've not liked myself. I also habitually put up walls and fronts due to fears and imaginations of being rejected. Life isn't bad at all on E2, so I've not been forcing anything recently. For me, forcing things is coupled with self hate. That's not what I want, so I'm respecting my own desires presently.

Why are you questioning your motives? You have to realize that just because you are questioning them, they are not questionable. Forcing stuff is almost never good, especially not if you are not in a good place. That goes against self-compassion. But doing stuff and learning more about yourself is not forcing, that is self-care. So happy to hear about your 12-step thing, I have heard that is good stuff. I think I know the place you are coming from, I too have questioned myself much, and still do at a degree, but I have come to understand that the intuition, the thing that drives me, shouldn't be questioned. The only reason why I do it is because other people have questioned it before, and that shouldn't have an effect on my ability to trust my own instincts. You should always trust your gut, that is your core self. And you shouldn't let other people make you question it. If they are doing so, they aren't to be trusted people for you.

4th of feb
My mom and dad are not really happy people to be around. They can really drag you down, being what I believe is energy-vampires at this time. Complaining about stuff, always making a big deal out of problems, just beeing very needy and problematic about a bunch of stuff. I almost feels like they blame me for problems that isn't caused by me, like I am somewhat of their scape-goat. They don't have a happy marriage, and my mom is depressed even without knowing it or being able to accept and work on it. It's like their lives are directed by unconscious things, because they haven't started to deal with themselves, because it's always easier to blame things on the outside - like their son maybe. They probably tell themselves that they love me and all, but the energies I receive from them isn't love, I know what love is, love is acceptance, and I don't feel acceptance at all. They living in a state of self-delusion is because they aren't willing to work with their own problems, a classic problem in my eyes. Why I would really need the protective aura in E3 so that their directed dissatisfaction with their lives wouldn't affect me as much as it does now.

I still have problem with energy, being very tired and wouldn't really be able to work - still. It is becoming better, I am feeling a bit stronger each day. But this limitation make it hard for me to have a job and start to work on my independence, to earn my own income and not be so dependent on living at home. I now I will manage it in the future, but right now the situation kind of sucks, but I am making the best of it as much as I can.

I have started to think about what I want from life, and thought about some stuff. I really come to love music during the last years, and I want to work it it somehow. Maybe as a DJ, maybe as an artist. I will take steps toward it and we'll se what happen. The first thing is to start playing the piano again and to try to get som DJ gigs. One of my absolute favorites and role-models is a guy called david august. If you like electronic music you must have a look at this, he is truly incredible.



I found a great link about the solar plexus chakra (https://lonerwolf.com/solar-plexus-chakra-healing/) which really resonate with me. I will try to work on the steps recommended in the link. The link also had a text about "the martyr syndrome" and it so much fits into how my mother work, really enlightening (https://lonerwolf.com/martyr-syndrome/). Right now, I feel that I need to take small steps toward earning an income. This may seem small but that is where I am, and what I need to do to feel more in control. To have a job. Doesn't really matter what it is.

I'm reading a book called "The awakened empath" and it really speaks to me. Much about that I have needs that I need to express and that I am allowed to have. That hasn't really been obvious to me before, or rather I have associated my own needs with shame, guilt, and fear.

[Greenduck]

Wow. This book, "the awakened empath" is really some good stuff. I have read a couple of these kind of books, but this one really take a grounded and nuanced perspective on being an empath. it's not the "oh feel sorry for me I feel so much" that I have somewhat gotten from other books, but it really takes it on a deeper level, and investigate how sensitive people/empaths get used by other people e.g. energy-vampires and how to protect yourself from it.

While reading it I reflected about how my mom, which I have identified as a "Victim or martyr vampire" often try to get sympathy, just along the lines of the book:

"Without always receiving signs of love, thanks, and approval, victim/martyr vampires feel unworthy and unacceptable, which are feelings they try to resolve by making you feel guilty or feeding off your sympathy and empathy."

And previously I just got sucked into it, I didn't even reflect on it, just that I was tired after meeting with her. But now, I don't have the energy to withstand it, like I basically physically become shaky if she gets to me, so I have set up stronger boundaries when I had the energy to do it, and they have become stronger and stronger. I just ignore her trying to get my sympathy or empathy, but previously I just had too much fear and too little physical energy to set those boundaries. I am really looking forward to E3 to see how the protective aura will work during those circumstances, and along with that I feel that I am becoming stronger just thanks to E2 to set the boundaries that I need.

I have also realized while reading the book that as an empath I have a predisposed belief that I should help people, because I just know how much pain they are in and that it's my duty to do so. And I feel it's true, just reading the previous paragraph make me uncomfortable, because it goes so contrary to my deepest beliefs. But I am starting to understand it consciously, that I need to change this belief to become emotionally healthy.

EDIT:
Something is happening to the dynamic at home. I notice that when I stay present and grounded, my dad have a easier time to do the same. Today my mom started bitching, and my dad told her that he didn't like that and that she needed to stop. She accepted and didn't bitch more. That usually don't happen, but their is often a conflict that carries on. My mom also seem less inclined to try to go on "energy stealing attacks" on me, i don't respond to it as much.

EDIT2:

I continue reading the book and suggestions of false beliefs came up. I highlighted ever one of these as I identify with every one. It's so damn to the point for how I relate to the world. Damn this book is perfect for me.

● I am responsible for other people’s happiness.
● I am responsible for other people’s healing.
● I should always be available to those I love.
● I should always put other people first.
● I should always take care of everyone.
● If I spend time taking care of myself before others, that
makes me selfish.
● I should never get angry or hurt.
● I should always be open and happy.
● I should always be generous.
● My feelings and needs are unimportant.
● People won’t like me if I don’t take care of them.
● I’m powerless.
● I am a victim of outside circumstances.
● My gifts make me a victim of life.
● My condition is hopeless.
● There is something fundamentally wrong with me.
● If a person I love doesn't love me in return, it’s my fault.
● Life is a struggle.
● I should be the perfect friend/partner/parent/son/daughter.
● The world is always a dangerous place.
● My self-worth has to be earned.
● My problems will go away on their own in time.
● I am controlled by other people’s energy.
● I always know what other people are feeling and thinking.

EDIT3:
This weekend I went out with some old friends. I have a friend who often get into my physical space, and previously I really didn't make him stop doing it because "I felt sorry for him" - bullshit, I was afraid of physical conflict and he used that fear to get into my physical space and leech out of my energy because of his own insecurities. This time, when we came out of the restaurant he started jokingly hitting me, but it still felt like a violation, so I just hit him back and stood my ground like I haven't done before. Doing it with anger without holding back, not a very hard hit, but a hit that told him that "if you want to try this, come at me" It felt very empowering and not at all "to much". I guess I have E2 and my Muay Thai practise to thank for this.