EP UMS Journal pt. 2

[Zubrowka]

Great post EP, thanks for sharing. Makes much sense.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

EDIT: I wrote this yesterday but never hit "post reply"

It seems I have been approaching chakras wrong: trying to heal the root chakra so I could move onto healing the sacral. All the blockages are blockages if different emotions based in the SAME traumatic experience:

Root chakra) Fear of physical death rooted in life threatening trauma.

Sacral chakra) extreme forlornness, bitterness, dissatisfaction etc. All based in experiencing life threatening trauma completely alone. The disconnection making the experience that much more horrifying and creating a deeply rooted perception of disconnection, ttherefor living life in a way where I do not truly connect with others ans then project dissatisfaction over my disconnected state onto the rest of the world, because I am too disconnected with myself to be self aware of my own choice to remain disconnected. Feeling unworthy and forsaken, I forsake connection and suffer over my damnable existence. I used to identify as incel, refusing to take responsibility for my choice to forsake the intimacy and possibility of connection inherent in sexual union. Always feeling inadequate for connecting with, I would deem women inadequate for connectinf with. Then I woukd bemoan my fate of never being deemed worthy of sexual selection despite the many opportunities given to me to ha e sex with attraxtice women who liked me. Only by taking the responsibility of choosing to connect with others can I heal my inherent sense of shame and disconnection.

Solar plexus) Feeling powerless to do anything about it. Iy happened when I was completely powerless to stop it from happening. I suppress the emotion of powerlessness because it is horrifying. But I have the power to choose to process the experience despite my powerlessness to stop the experience. My only power is my power to surrendur.

So... Connect with somebody who will be with me and comfort me as I process the emotional process of fear, shame, loneliness, pain and powerlessness to stop it all, completely surrenduring tonthe experience no matter how overwhelming.

Tall order, but I woke up today, indulged in an inyense fantasy regarding indulgence of these blockages that I came to a realization of a process I could create to do such a thing, because I fantasized about the intense experience.

In order to make it happen however, I would have to really set up the experience: the right things would be needed, the right space for setting it up, the right parameters for the experience determined for optimal effectiveness and likelihood of happening, the right amount of money to afford what I need, the right process for going about it, the right understanding of the process I woukd be going through, etc. Etc.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Now I am busy with school stuff. I shall focus mote heavilly on these other endeavors later.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I have been repeatedly having certain types of dreams lately with meanings not too difficult to decipher:

In one, I was watching these people running for their... well, not lives, but deaths. Running to escape these imprisoners who every time they try to escape, they put chloroform rags to their face to drag them back, or they fall into a sort of endless pool of water that drowns them in pornographic imagery and they have to swim their way back to the surface and keep running before they get chloroformed.

They are running to escape the prison and be free to DIE.

The second dream I can recall clearly was one I just had today:

This man was studying some sort of fear toxin or flower or something (think like in The Dark Knight) in a room where he would not leave. He would not go outside and had nobody but himself, his notes and his toxins/flowers he was studying.

He came to the conclusion that the secret to curing the effects of the fear was to completely surrender to it. He then died peacefully.

Also, my German mentor says it is very difficult to heal some of these problems alone, which is very discouraging.

I do not REALLY feel like I am connected or have the real support I need. MY dad wants to help, but cannot understand and does not really listen. Mom? Please... My teacher? "Put on your big boy pants and stop being a victim" My therapist? Not much help. My friends? Busy and also not much help for so many reasons. MY ex friend? Wants nothing to do with me. This German mentor himself? A) tired of my shit and b) can't connect with me IN PERSON. I need a PERSONAL connection who can help me through this. I currently have none. I am not sure what to do.

I can only really rely on the Law of Attraction/Manifestation type stuff I think to GET a person I can connect with for healing. But I have no idea who, and in this quarantine, I don't see how that's possible.

[Zubrowka]

I have been repeatedly having certain types of dreams lately with meanings not too difficult to decipher:

In one, I was watching these people running for their... well, not lives, but deaths. Running to escape these imprisoners who every time they try to escape, they put chloroform rags to their face to drag them back, or they fall into a sort of endless pool of water that drowns them in pornographic imagery and they have to swim their way back to the surface and keep running before they get chloroformed.

They are running to escape the prison and be free to DIE.

The second dream I can recall clearly was one I just had today:

This man was studying some sort of fear toxin or flower or something (think like in The Dark Knight) in a room where he would not leave. He would not go outside and had nobody but himself, his notes and his toxins/flowers he was studying.

He came to the conclusion that the secret to curing the effects of the fear was to completely surrender to it. He then died peacefully.

Also, my German mentor says it is very difficult to heal some of these problems alone, which is very discouraging.

I do not REALLY feel like I am connected or have the real support I need. MY dad wants to help, but cannot understand and does not really listen. Mom? Please... My teacher? "Put on your big boy pants and stop being a victim" My therapist? Not much help. My friends? Busy and also not much help for so many reasons. MY ex friend? Wants nothing to do with me. This German mentor himself? A) tired of my shit and b) can't connect with me IN PERSON. I need a PERSONAL connection who can help me through this. I currently have none. I am not sure what to do.

I can only really rely on the Law of Attraction/Manifestation type stuff I think to GET a person I can connect with for healing. But I have no idea who, and in this quarantine, I don't see how that's possible.

Focusing on what you lack seldom will help you move forward. Try instead of stating what you don’t have, state what you have. Try instead of focusing what you can’t do, focusing on what you can do. Life will seldom put everything we need in our laps, but you need to learn to play the hand you have been delt and make the best of it. Only then will you realize how to be resourceful in yourself.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Good point.


Still, when it comes to what I "lack" it's more in my view, a matter of what to put on my list.

What I HAVE is whatever I need to get it.

Other than that though, you're right. I can focus on the support and connections I DO have. I can focus on the money I DO have. On the supplies I DO have. The subliminal I DO have. Etc. etc. Gratitude is powerful. Thanks.

Still, I would like to get a good idea of what my target objectives will cost financially, so I can create a more realistic strategy.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Last day of bloom.

Latest obsession that popped up out of nowhere in the past week have intensified, and I have recently determined that they are probably not UMS related, which means they are indicative of a deeper psychological/emotional blockage in need of addressing.

Considering switching over to LTU6 when it comes out, because if I did, that would definitely help me to heal these issues.

I do not think I can move forward with UMS goals unless I heal the deeper stuff, and while UMSv1 has E3 towards that end, LTU5 and 6 can both be expected to have even more to put towards that end, and it seems the healing required is very extensive. Might as well make healing the number one priority and do it as best I can.

I don't think there's much that LTU6 will cover that the E3 in UMSv1 DOESN'T cover already, considering how extensive my healing needs seem to be before I can move forward with the goals of this subliminal.

Shannon suggested I may be trying to prevent myself from achieving UMS with this switch, but I do not think so. I view putting UMS ahead of these issues as being like doing my taxes while my house is burning, and I view the healing required to be so thorough for UMS that I might as well go full on in clearing these issues so that the UMS subliminal won't have to work through so much with so much less equipment available. Still, might be useful to scale down my UMS goals to something that will be quicker to obtain so that I can afford everything I will need to get the ball rolling, including LTU6 itself, not to mention the latest UMS when I'm ready to get back on the wagon.

[Zubrowka]

Last day of bloom.

Latest obsession that popped up out of nowhere in the past week have intensified, and I have recently determined that they are probably not UMS related, which means they are indicative of a deeper psychological/emotional blockage in need of addressing.

Considering switching over to LTU6 when it comes out, because if I did, that would definitely help me to heal these issues.

I do not think I can move forward with UMS goals unless I heal the deeper stuff, and while UMSv1 has E3 towards that end, LTU5 and 6 can both be expected to have even more to put towards that end, and it seems the healing required is very extensive. Might as well make healing the number one priority and do it as best I can.

I don't think there's much that LTU6 will cover that the E3 in UMSv1 DOESN'T cover already, considering how extensive my healing needs seem to be before I can move forward with the goals of this subliminal.

Shannon suggested I may be trying to prevent myself from achieving UMS with this switch, but I do not think so. I view putting UMS ahead of these issues as being like doing my taxes while my house is burning, and I view the healing required to be so thorough for UMS that I might as well go full on in clearing these issues so that the UMS subliminal won't have to work through so much with so much less equipment available. Still, might be useful to scale down my UMS goals to something that will be quicker to obtain so that I can afford everything I will need to get the ball rolling, including LTU6 itself, not to mention the latest UMS when I'm ready to get back on the wagon.

I think you have arrived at a good conclusion. I too have wanted to run UMS at many times and switching from LTU5 but have always come to the conclusion that - what do I need money for if I'm not happy with life as it is?

I think there is much more to gain to your quality of life by healing emotionally and feeling good than you will derive from buying stuff.

[THolt]

Have you ever considered that self worth might be one of the core issue that you may be facing? I know it is for me. I recall having this sense of being good enough or deserving. I think it affects what we achieve in life and our relationships with other people

I suggested a sub focused on deservedness/self worth if you want to check out that thread

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks. I'm facing numerous issues really, self worth being just one of them. I intend to figure out how much money I need to afford all the supplies and stuff I want, and then reset THAT as my UMS goal so I can afford everything I need for my healing. Thanks.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 2:

I just last night had a revelation of sorts...

So I was looking at my current route for making money (online audio transcription) and realized that a 40 hour work week doing it ain't even enough to make 30k a year.

Then I thought about teaching gigs. Less monet than that even.

Once I become a certified teacher, it MAY be possible years down the line to make 30k a year.

That being said, I then got frustrated at the idea of working my ass off, only to barely make anything, and have to rely on active income to make money.

I started thinking of ways tobmakw passive income.

And a thought occured to me:

You kniw that Youtube rap teacher who makes thise dumb videos telling you how to "Blow up" despite the fact that he hasn't yet? Well, he might not have "blown up" nut he seems to be doing alright for himself ans running a successful business despite nobody having heard of him, and it seems like paasive income! Seems like more money, passively generated for less work than ANYTHING traditional I have ever "realistically" pursued. I'm sure he makes more than 30k a year. Or AT LEAST that much. And he doesn't seem to have tp bust his ass. Even the "work" probably doesn't feel like work if you like doing it.

So I looked up what his name is, because I only know his Youtube moniker: Smart Rapper.

Turns out his name is Rob Level.

So I looked up how much Rov Level is making per year, hoping there might be some info on it. Surprisingly it did not take much sleuthing. The info was at the top of the search oage. I was shocked:

120K a year?! Just making music?! Nobody has even heard this dude. I mean, clearly SOMEBODY has. But if I were to walk up to any of the college students in my area and ask what they think about Rob Level, I'm pretty sure they'd say "Who?

And yet he STILL makes 72 to 120k a year in passive income from his music alone. That's not counting live shows, merch, his Youtube channel etc.

That's insane!

You don't havw to be Eminem to be successful as a rapper! You just need to play your cards right and run your business properly!

This dude IS. a Smart Rapper!

I have decided I shall switch my focus to seriously phrsuing music, because CLEARLY (on top of just wanting to do it for it's own sake) it's the most lucrative thing I know how to do.

So now my main UMS related shit is seriously gonna be: write rhymes, practice over free beats, learn how to play a MIDI keyboard and finger drum pad, develop the ability to sing and later learn guitar.

It is becoming apparent to me that the thing I have always really wanted to do (make music) is actually also tge most realistic way for me to make my way in the world. I have DECADES of bullshit programming in dire need of shedding telling me: Oh, unless you become famous, ypu will struggle to oay your bills amd it will be a hard life. Get "real".

So much for "realistic people" telling me how reality works.

Fuck it. Vocational rehab is for chumps and so is this peasant ass bullshit framework I'm expected to operate in.

Once I start making money and getting good, I'ma convince my friends to do the same. I'll even give them a place to live and practice. They don't have to "be realistic" and bust their asses doing jobs they don't really feel is their true calling. And neither do I.

We can make more pursuing our dreams. We just have to be smart and know what we're doing.

[AriGold]

So now my main UMS related shit is seriously gonna be: write rhymes, practice over free beats, learn how to play a MIDI keyboard and finger drum pad, develop the ability to sing and later learn guitar. 


...

Once I start making money and getting good, I'ma convince my friends to do the same. I'll even give them a place to live and practice. They don't have to "be realistic" and bust their*****doing jobs they don't really feel is their true calling. And neither do I.

We can make more pursuing our dreams. We just have to be smart and know what we're doing.

First point I want to comment on: Music is not just about music, it's also about selling, as everything else in life. Sure you can be the talented person that gets found, but I would try to take initiative and find out how the other successful musicians made their first steps to success. It is now what they do after they have an audience, it is what they did to get that audience. Look at that step, if you can figure it out, you can try to do the same or something similar.

Second pont I want to comment on and this comes from heart: I know you want your friends to be with you on that trip to success. Don't try anything, don't force anything, you might get into discussions and find yourself losing energy defending your way. I would just go my way and if they are interested, you can explain a bit and find out if they are open to it. Some people don't want you to succeed, may it be envy or just that they don't want to lose you. Focus upon yourself until you reached a certain stage of success that is stable and that you feel confident upon, one that carries you and protects you from critics.
Form a success group, it might be smaller or bigger but surround yourself even if just virtually with people who are hungry for success, people that don't take a "no" for an answer or don't give up when they have the perfect excuse, people who want to succeed no matter what.

I wish you all the success that you want

[EvolvingPhoenix]

No doubt.

Thanks for the support man. It means a lot to me.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 4 (almost 5) of bloom:

Just looked up old posts at the beginning of my UMS usage to see when I started carpetbombing: 9/19/2019.

Also noticed a number of other things: for one, I have changed A LOT. That proves this has been working.

For another, it's clear to me that the resistance has been dominated by UMS by now, because the original symptoms which indicated resistance (tiredness, negativity, refusal of responsibility for execution, doubt of the program, etc.) are all pretty much gone by now.

@Shannon Does this mean I should change up my looping/bloom patterns? If so, what do you recommend I do?

Also, I wqas talking to another user over DM, and he suggested that UMS is actually preferable in his eyes for healing than LTU5, because it has ME2 and it only has to share that power between 3 programs rather than 12.

I am reconsidering buying LTU6 when it comes out and just using UMS until UMSv2 comes out then using that for a year before switching to LTU6 for another year.

What do you think of this idea, Shannon? Do you think UMS might be the best program for my healing?

EDIT: I mean day 4 (almost 5) of carpetbombing