E2 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I would save up for E3.  You shouldn't give up . I have been where you were and still am there. I have a lot of acquaintances but no real friends.  E2 is a good program but I would make it my goal to save up for E3.  I think you will get there as long as you don't quit and give up. Press forward.

Thanks THolt. My plan is to use E2 until (in about 3 months from now) social security kicks in and they give me back pay, which should be something like $5000. So then I'll able to afford LTU5 which has E3 in it. I'll then set my goal (since it also has USLM4 in it) to forming intimate and deep friendships with interesting people who are in my age range and who I share common interests with. 

I'm hoping that will really help with my problems.

[THolt]

I would save up for E3.  You shouldn't give up . I have been where you were and still am there. I have a lot of acquaintances but no real friends.  E2 is a good program but I would make it my goal to save up for E3.  I think you will get there as long as you don't quit and give up. Press forward.

Thanks THolt. My plan is to use E2 until (in about 3 months from now) social security kicks in and they give me back pay, which should be something like $5000. So then I'll able to afford LTU5 which has E3 in it. I'll then set my goal (since it also has USLM4 in it) to forming intimate and deep friendships with interesting people who are in my age range and who I share common interests with. 

I'm hoping that will really help with my problems.

It will help as I have the same problems but E3 will help you heal as well to get past these issues. It will be a win-win if you run the program long enough.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 21: so yesterday (day 20) I spent my day hanging out with friends which felt good, although I got really stoned with them and made myself look stupid at times.

Now it's day 21.

So, a couple developments:

One is that I'm talking to my vocational rehabilitation counselor about getting work as a teachers assistant.
I'm worried how I'll do though. And I dunno if I'll make any friends as a TA. There's a lot I worry about, but it should be good for me.

Another is that my brother's wife wants a divorce, and it's kinda fucking with me, because it's making me worry that even if I attract my perfect romantic lover with one of these subs, she'll just leave when problems arise. Part of it is because of the friendship breakup. My friend didn't want to work through our differences, even after I apologized profusely and begged for forgiveness. My brother wants to work through their differences but his wife still wants a divorce. I just worry that even if I attract my perfect romantic lover, she'll just leave when problems arive. Like when the going gets rough, she'll get going. And I'll experience this pain all over again.

It's like my exfriend said in her artwork on her way out if the friendship: "It's easy to love somebody until the hars times roll around"

[findingme]

EvolvingPhoenix, I realized something today about loneliness, and I'd like to share it with you.  I wasn't seeking this.  In fact, I was just driving home from work.

My fear was winding down while driving home, for I've been on alert all day since I've felt very vulnerable underneath.  I try to hide this at work.  And I was thinking of caring for myself.  Since I was out of work now, I allowed myself to feel safe, be uncritical towards myself, and feel unendangered emotionally.  I was caring, loving, and protecting of myself.  

And......I wasn't lonely.  Not one bit.  What I realized for me is that when I ignore myself and my needs, I get lonely.  If I ignore it longer, I can become desperate.  For me, that loneliness is painful since it hollers to me, and I'm the only one who hears it.

I even stopped at a store to get some milk, and while there, began a conversation with 2 women cashiers.  What happened in me is I felt an inner sadness building, for I was behaving in a way that would encourage one of these women to know me better.  But out of unchecked habit, I was working toward putting this responsibility of taking care of myself into someone else's hands, which is a codependent hell (for me).   This habit actually wore out my closest relationship, that of my now ex-wife.  I've tried and tried many times many years to have people take care of me ("tell me I'm lovable!"), and noone likes me putting my responsibility on them.  This damaged or alienated more people than anything else.  Bar none.

E2 finally got me closer to knowing and experiencing my own self-love (when I stayed on it 3 months, having purchased it a year earlier), and currently LTU is reinforcing it, making my understanding very clear.  

Somehow I knew I would be taking care of myself today.  I am now.  This feels good.  Peaceful too.  I'm going to rest now.   

Shannon's subs really do work!  They do.  Hang in there.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks, findingme. I suppose if there start to become issues in whatever relationship I'm in, I can just work on them as best I can, appreciate the good and if worst comes to worst and the relationship ends, find somebody new. I just hope these subs heal me enough that I van be secure in any case. Thanks for sharing your perspective on loneliness. I'm probably gonna be running these subs for a while. Maybe 3 months for E2 and around 2 years for LTU5 will really help clear these issues up. Hopefully by that time, I will have massively cleared up these issues.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 23:

I found out yesterday that it may be possible to get my friend back in the future. So I'm feeling better today.
I'm not beating myself up over the friendship breakup.

I've been feeling alright today. Although I still have a feeling I can't quite shake. Kinda like a feeling that I'm not living as I would like to be. Primarilly, this is because I feel I am in hermit mode. I am hoping that once I get a job, this will change. Although there's still plenty about my life that needs straightening out, hopefully I can straighten it out with less bothering me or feeling less lonely once I start making new friends and getting a job.

Overall, my day hasn't been bad though.

I find myself wondering if E2's doing anything. If it is, the naturalizer's working way too well to notice. This is a really gentle sub for sure.

[findingme]

"Gentle" is a very accurate word. It's the same word I've always used when explaining it to others. It has the potential to walk right into your deepest nightmares, but it's so incredibly gentle, I've even suggested it to a war vet who still dissociates at times.

I've never had major triggering memories or feelings arise when using E2 myself. I view E2 more as "peace returner", for after using it daily, I've never feared it. It's really calming, in my experience. Great observation.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So I was going for a meditation walk tonight and having a very hard time of it. My mind wanted to think about issues I have, and "What do I want in life?" and "Why do I want that?" and all kinds of questions that distract me from just simply being in the moment and mindfully experiencing the present. So I stopped and thought to myself about that for a second and it occurred to me that if I were present, I would have to accept the present not only as it is, but as it unfolds. And I think there's a piece of me that wants to feel in control and doesn't trust the universe to just give me whatever experience it will, because I've had so many painful experiences in the past. So I go into my mind and I plan out the future, or try to figure out what I want, or I fantasize or things like that. So I can feel safe and in control. I have a hard time of letting go of control, just trusting the universe and enjoying the present as it unfolds.

And then there's a piece of me which cannot accept the now as it is. A piece of me that feels something is always LACKING from the present, making it not good enough. That's another critical part of what keeps me from being in the moment. My unwillingness to accept things just as they are. There's always more I want in my life. More I want in myself. More I want out of my day. More I want in general. And it prevents me from enjoying the present.

I'm not sure what to do about these issues, but now I at least have more awareness of these issues and how they affect my ability to meditate and be present.

I also came to understand something about myself: There's a part of me deep down that feels the rejection I grew up with all my life and badly want that sense of acceptence I didn't have growing up. This need to be one of the cool people, to be successful, to have a gorgeous GF, and to have lots of friends. I think part of it is deeply rooted in the rejection I grew up with, and then after my best friend friend dumped me, it was like all that rejection I grew up with was affirmed as being valid or something. I feel so rejected and I guess I really want to find a way to get that sense of acceptance and respect I feel I never had growing up. Thing is, even when lots of people liked me, I didn't feel accepted. It's like I could have all those things and still not be happy or satisfied. That piece of me is still wounded inside and I don't know what I could do to heal it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 24:

Feeling better than usual today. I'm not feeling great, but I'm feeling alright. 

I'm having a hard time figuring out just what it is that I want my life to look like to be satisfied. 

I know I want to be living on my own, I know I want to travel, I know I want more deeply connected friendships, a more active social life, work I like and a gorgeous GF... But what else? 

Something tells me that even if I get all that in my life, I'll still be unsatisfied. Why? What else do I want and how do I get it? 

I think there's a lot of deeply rooted issues I have that make even that feel incomplete. 

It's like, I've got a plan, you know? 

Become a teacher's assistant, go on disability, earn my BA in psychology, teach Ebglish abroad until I get my master's in mental health counseling, become an LMHC, maybe get certified as a hypnotherapist and do that for a living. 

I can use USLM in LTU5 to improve my social life amd form deeper friendships, I can use other subs to help me romantically/sexually. 

So it seems I have a plan to get all that stuff. Yet I think about all that stuff and picture a life like that in my mind and I STILL feel like something's missing. 

I think it's rooted in all the early rejection growing up. I want something that'll give me that full sense of acceptence and respect that I yearned for growing up. Some sort of signifier that I AM worthy, that I am enough. Something that'll make me feel like I wanted to feel growing up. The opposite of rejection by everyone. 


NOTE: I just looked at my last post and it already mentions this. Guess it's just the theme I'm working on lately. I wonder if E2 has anything to do with it or if it's just coming up naturally?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 25:

Been feeling alright today. Had some occasional twinges of regret from the friendship breakup, but I reminded myself that when I'm ready, I'll be able to get my friend back, even if it takes years to get to that point. There's this weird feeling I get thought that keeps me from enjoying myself fully: I'll be playing with my cat and just enjoying myself and enjoying the shared bond between myself and my pet, and in the background I'll be having this feeling like "I should be doing something 'productive' with my time right now" And the truth is, playing with my can might not be "productive" but it makes me feel good, so I shouldn't ruin it with feeling obligated to make "productive" use of my time instead. Besides, what "productive" thing should I be doing right now? I mean, there's a lot of things I could think of, but aside from meditation stuff, I don't typically do that shit anyway. I've kind of just been trying to heal and focus on not being lonely this whole time. I've sent in my application to HCC for summer courses in ASL, I've sent in papers to the social security people, I'm waiting to be connected to Learning Academies at USF to help line me up with work as a TA... Slowly, but surely, I'm making progress in life. Now I guess I just need to focus on my day to day shteez: Meditation, Healing Codes, going to the gym, practicing guitar, keeping my room clean. Should be really simple, but I stay glued to my computer, I guess due to loneliness. If I can get around the loneliness problem, I'll probably have a MUCH easier time getting away from my computer. I'm hoping E2 or maybe LTU5 down the line will help me with that. I DO notice I'm feeling better lately. So maybe E2 is really doing something?

[findingme]

E2 does grow a hope. It keeps you hanging on, and it feels good.

Concerning your point about being productive vs. enjoying yourself, I'm going to post some beautiful attributes of E2. I'm taking it directly from the E3 page, but he kept it in there from E2.

Appreciate yourself in all the right ways to allow for maximum success in self regeneration and healing.Let go of and stop needing/seeking the approval of and permission of others for your self-healing and regenerating.
Give yourself approval and permission to live the life that allows you to heal and regenerate, stay healed and regenerated, and allows you to be genuinely happy, and to genuinely heal and regenerate.

Those truths still hit home for me now.

For example, there's a business I've been pursuing lately. I emailed the guy who originally contacted me maybe a week ago. No reply. But this afternoon, while writing in my thread, feeling all kinds of powerful emotions, I get a text from him wondering when I'll be able to talk. In years past, I'd have leaned toward stuffing all my emotion to arrange a call.

But no. I was not feeling safe and in control of my own feelings, so I ignored the text. After writing my post, I requested a call roughly the same time tomorrow. He replied affirmatively.

I am more important. My needs are important.

And so are yours EP. It's good to hear you write about it. From my experience, that message in E2 might be on the table presently. E2 is working its way in your mind and heart. Great job!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks Findingme. I'm glad to hear the features of E2 are working on me. I'm hoping that I'll start to feel less lonely and maybe then I'll be able to get away from my computer. And maybe then I'll be more productive. 

Does E2 help one feel less lonely or more comfortable being by oneself? I've heard that through acceptence, loneliness can be transformed into solitude, but I'm having a hard time accepting it. Do you know if E2 helps with that?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

UNRELATED TO E2, but since this is. for all intents and purposes, my journal, I'm going to post this here -

So I was out for a meditation walk today and 2 things occurred:

1) I found 3 $20 bills lying on the ground. Awesome! I added the $60 to the $80 I had in my room. As a guy who only rarely gets work $140 is quite a bit of pocket money for me to have! That's almost enough to buy E3!

2) I came up with a test for Shannon's recommended reality shifting practice. My idea is this --

I'm a big Babymetal fan, I'm kind of bummed out Yuimetal left the group, and I only saw them live once, way up high in the bleeder seats. I'm disappointed and would like another chance to see the full original lineup live from the front row in a mosh pit. So... I'm going to try and visualize with the emotions and all five senses that happening. Every day, until it occurs. And I'll note how long it took and how it plays out.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 26:

So for the past few days, I've been binge watching clips of this Japanese show called Sakura Gakuin, which is about this school themed idol group, and it's not the kind of shit I'd normally ever watch. I started watching it because I'm a Babymetal fan and I'm curious about the background of the girls in Babymetal, but I initially only cared to watch a couple episodes when I first checked it out. I've recently started watching translated highlights on Youtube and reading about the group, and I'm sitting here thinking to myself "why am I so interested in this? Why am I learning about these girls and getting so interested? I don't like the music, and it's kinda dumb in some ways, yet I feel compelled to watch these clips and feel better when I do. Why? What psychological need is this fulfilling for me?"

And I've been pondering it over the last couple of days. Part of it, I think is the happy and generally very positive vibe of the show, which I like, because I'm feeling down lately and I guess that kinda shit cheers me up, but I think another part of it is, these girls all have a close-knit web of relationships with one another, the teacher has a relationship to each of them, and as the viewer gets to know the girls in the group, the viewer starts to form a kind of remote relationship with them too, in a way. Or at least that's how it feels. So I think the psychological need it's fulfilling is that I'm a lonely person who wants friends and who is still healing/recovering from a friendship breakup with my best friend, and this show offers a false sense of closeness for the viewer. And the overall feel, being generally positive and free of any majour conflict is reassuring to somebody who's been going through some really rough personal stuff and doesn't want any more conflict in their life. It's similar to how my dad binge watches Hallmark movies because he's so sick of the problems of the world; he just wants to escape to something nice and feel-good and non-threatening. It's like that, but with the added sense that you're getting to know these girls, and kind of... absorbing the positivity and the closeness of the group through osmosis, if that makes any sense. Not to mention, these girls are just very charming. My ex-friend was very charming too...

So I guess I get the psychological needs being fulfilled by watching this stuff. Question is: how do I fulfill the same needs more effectively IRL?

I think part of the easier way of doing things is just learning to see the best aspects of each person I connect with, and accept them as they are. I still need to make more deep connections though... When LTU5 comes out, that's going to be my goal: Form more deep and intimate friendships with interesting and charming young people I have a lot in common with.

Anyway, the theme of loneliness is definitely one of my biggest issues right now. I'm not sure how to address it, really. I don't know how to just go out and meet people. Meetup.com didn't quite work out either. Neither are these apps I downloaded onto my phone. I'm not sure what to do. I'm still trying to heal and learn to love myself, so maybe I can be happy with my own company. But as I do that, I am still glued to my computer, trying to distract myself from these feelings of loneliness. It was only about a month ago that people on this forum were telling me to go on E2 because of how needy and generally pathetic I was. And how that was a majour contributing factor to my loneliness, maybe after enough time on E2 (and later LTU5) I'll be healed enough to not feel so lonely, but currently, that's where I'm at.

I wish I had a solution sooner. I wish there were some sort of magic pill I could swallow to resolve this issue. I wish I had my friend back. I wish I had another chance at life. I wish I were younger and could have another chance to not waste my youth. I wish I knew how to meet my needs. I wish they were met. I wish I hadn't screwed up multiple relationships with multiple people. I wish life weren't so tragic so often. I wish I were free of sorrow. I wish the world could just free itself of all this sorrow. I wish I could free it. I wish I could free myself. I hope I can. I certainly wish I were given another chance at everything I've screwed up. I wish I could hit the reset button on this life and do the whole thing over again, with all the experience, wisdom and knowledge I have now. And with these subs. I suppose I still can start over in a lot of ways, but there's so much baggage to clear... I wish I could just snap my fingers and clear up all the emotional baggage. I wish I had done things differently.I wish I had done A LOT of things differently. I wish I still had my friend. I wish I had more friends. I wish I hadn't spent so much time wasting away in front of TV and computer screens. I wish I didn't STILL feel the need to do that. I wish I knew what to do to get what I want. I wish I had the willpower/motivation to do it. I wish my therapist were of some use. I wish I knew what I needed from a therapist for them to BE of use. I wish healing, even from these subs, didn't take so damn long. I wish there weren't so much unconscious resistance. I wish I knew where I were going with this. I wish there WERE somewhere I was going with all this...

I'm gonna stop writing for now, because I DON'T KNOW where I'm going with this. This IS a journal, but it's a journal for keeping track of progress with E2, and sometimes I just treat it like a regular journal, which I don't have. And I've got other things to do, and I've been avoiding doing them all day so far.