06-28-2014, 12:28 AM
Today, I had an interesting experience.
I've been meeting a chaplain for more than a year. He's like my mentor. When I first saw him, I was in a pretty fucked up situation. Well, I've been in a pretty bad shape from my grade 10 time. I had up and down movement in terms of my emotional and mental health. When I first saw him, I was totally down. To a point that just about a semester after, I ended up being in a situation that I was forced to transfer to my current place, as my wrecked emotional and mental health prevented me from doing academic work. Well, luckily this allowed me to get closer to finding the field that fits me better.
So this guy knows me pretty well. Besides, he has extensive knowledge in different religion, psychology, and culture that he's proven to be quite helpful, if not been most helpful. His diagnosis, well, he sees that all my academic problem, or any problem comes from me, and it has several elements.
First is that I've been pretty much living alone for 10 years since I was 13, or 13 and half. (Due to my studying abroad) Second, because I was studying abroad in a radically different environment, I never really got to make good friends. I may have made one or two, but because I also moved to the US (and also that one left the country) I lost all the friends I made from my study abroad experience. I also lost all the friends in my home country during the time. My parents saying not to date any girl until I get into college, (which I took it quite seriously) and being in all boys school was not very helpful either. All of these led to my being socially isolated, and not being able to develop good social skills nor relationship. Don't get me wrong, I never made any enemy, and in fact I can say that nobody ever hated me, if not everybody liked me. But I never made any good friends to talk to, hang out with, and etc.
This led to my obsession to achieve perfect academic grades, rise above anyone else, making loads of money (millions, if not billions), being successful, and absolute perfectionism in general. (which I still do in some sense that I still have pretty high standards, but not to a point that I am looking for absolute perfectness in everything) In addition, as I only had myself to really reflect to about myself, I never really developed a good self awareness either. Which the mentor thinks is the root of all the problem, and the biggest problem to deal, in addition to building friendship/relationship, and social skills.
So, the mentor I and were meeting on a regular basis to talk, and he tried to help me get better in the areas. Well, the things have been and are very difficult for both of us. And it got to a point in which I eventually quit on him, with ranting stuff, emotions probably anger. This stalemate was there for about a month or two before I began seeing him again.
I saw him about 2~3 times after the stalemate. 1st meeting had nothing to do with any of my problem, as I needed him for doing errands. (I don't have a car, and I needed to go a big shopping, which I needed his help, and also help with AC installation in my APT.) It was from the 2nd session that we started addressing the issues and starting to pick up where we left off.
And it also happened to be that I was on the sub from the 2nd session. I sorta noticed that the emotional difficulty was less. He didn't comment anything on the 2nd session. Today, I had 3rd session. I wanted to talk to him about the graduate school options, but then the topic got turned into the self awareness issue and the relationship issue. Why? Because he said that unless I can address these two, I wouldn't be able to really answer the question well. Which I do also agree, but I hoped that I would be given some practical, more tangible answers. But something remarkable happened. He said at the end of the talk that he saw a change. Whenever I am faced with stuff I don't know how to deal with, or something that pokes my emotion that creates pain (though it doesn't feel painful, but more like a difficult that I want to avoid, which I assume is one type of emotional pain,) my response would have been "I don't care" or put up walls (in my mind and emotion) and will try to divert as much as possible. But today, he said that I did say the things like "I don't care" but I stayed in moment, in the pain, faced it, and looked it. I didn't get to do it fully yet, and I will need to be able to do it, but he said that I did that.
It may be that I am able to do it as I don't have stress or burden coming from academic work. But, one thins for sure is this: this change happened after I started using the sub. The sub may not have anything to do with it. The sub could have helped me doing that. But one thing is sure, if I can do that better, being able to start to face the real problem fully, things will be better. I will probably be able to have better social skills, able to better relate to people, have great friends, achieve more successes, and ultimately, I will have a great lover, and with the help from the sub, the perfect lover.
Whether the sub is the reason for my change or not, I've seen some positive things in me. Honestly, what I expected was getting a perfect lover. I didn't expect it to have impact on my emotion and mind this much. But this makes me even wonder, what my perfect lover be like, as I know that if I get to fix the problems, it will be total boost for pretty much anything in my life. Now, I can't wait to see what my end result will be.
Yet, it's funny, as it seems that the sub is somewhat working like LTU or AM. But Shannon said that OE changes everything in me that needs to be changed to achieve the goal of the program. Perhaps fixing the problem is what's needed.
Anyway, these have been my observations today. I'll be back with more, if I have more to report back.
I've been meeting a chaplain for more than a year. He's like my mentor. When I first saw him, I was in a pretty fucked up situation. Well, I've been in a pretty bad shape from my grade 10 time. I had up and down movement in terms of my emotional and mental health. When I first saw him, I was totally down. To a point that just about a semester after, I ended up being in a situation that I was forced to transfer to my current place, as my wrecked emotional and mental health prevented me from doing academic work. Well, luckily this allowed me to get closer to finding the field that fits me better.
So this guy knows me pretty well. Besides, he has extensive knowledge in different religion, psychology, and culture that he's proven to be quite helpful, if not been most helpful. His diagnosis, well, he sees that all my academic problem, or any problem comes from me, and it has several elements.
First is that I've been pretty much living alone for 10 years since I was 13, or 13 and half. (Due to my studying abroad) Second, because I was studying abroad in a radically different environment, I never really got to make good friends. I may have made one or two, but because I also moved to the US (and also that one left the country) I lost all the friends I made from my study abroad experience. I also lost all the friends in my home country during the time. My parents saying not to date any girl until I get into college, (which I took it quite seriously) and being in all boys school was not very helpful either. All of these led to my being socially isolated, and not being able to develop good social skills nor relationship. Don't get me wrong, I never made any enemy, and in fact I can say that nobody ever hated me, if not everybody liked me. But I never made any good friends to talk to, hang out with, and etc.
This led to my obsession to achieve perfect academic grades, rise above anyone else, making loads of money (millions, if not billions), being successful, and absolute perfectionism in general. (which I still do in some sense that I still have pretty high standards, but not to a point that I am looking for absolute perfectness in everything) In addition, as I only had myself to really reflect to about myself, I never really developed a good self awareness either. Which the mentor thinks is the root of all the problem, and the biggest problem to deal, in addition to building friendship/relationship, and social skills.
So, the mentor I and were meeting on a regular basis to talk, and he tried to help me get better in the areas. Well, the things have been and are very difficult for both of us. And it got to a point in which I eventually quit on him, with ranting stuff, emotions probably anger. This stalemate was there for about a month or two before I began seeing him again.
I saw him about 2~3 times after the stalemate. 1st meeting had nothing to do with any of my problem, as I needed him for doing errands. (I don't have a car, and I needed to go a big shopping, which I needed his help, and also help with AC installation in my APT.) It was from the 2nd session that we started addressing the issues and starting to pick up where we left off.
And it also happened to be that I was on the sub from the 2nd session. I sorta noticed that the emotional difficulty was less. He didn't comment anything on the 2nd session. Today, I had 3rd session. I wanted to talk to him about the graduate school options, but then the topic got turned into the self awareness issue and the relationship issue. Why? Because he said that unless I can address these two, I wouldn't be able to really answer the question well. Which I do also agree, but I hoped that I would be given some practical, more tangible answers. But something remarkable happened. He said at the end of the talk that he saw a change. Whenever I am faced with stuff I don't know how to deal with, or something that pokes my emotion that creates pain (though it doesn't feel painful, but more like a difficult that I want to avoid, which I assume is one type of emotional pain,) my response would have been "I don't care" or put up walls (in my mind and emotion) and will try to divert as much as possible. But today, he said that I did say the things like "I don't care" but I stayed in moment, in the pain, faced it, and looked it. I didn't get to do it fully yet, and I will need to be able to do it, but he said that I did that.
It may be that I am able to do it as I don't have stress or burden coming from academic work. But, one thins for sure is this: this change happened after I started using the sub. The sub may not have anything to do with it. The sub could have helped me doing that. But one thing is sure, if I can do that better, being able to start to face the real problem fully, things will be better. I will probably be able to have better social skills, able to better relate to people, have great friends, achieve more successes, and ultimately, I will have a great lover, and with the help from the sub, the perfect lover.
Whether the sub is the reason for my change or not, I've seen some positive things in me. Honestly, what I expected was getting a perfect lover. I didn't expect it to have impact on my emotion and mind this much. But this makes me even wonder, what my perfect lover be like, as I know that if I get to fix the problems, it will be total boost for pretty much anything in my life. Now, I can't wait to see what my end result will be.
Yet, it's funny, as it seems that the sub is somewhat working like LTU or AM. But Shannon said that OE changes everything in me that needs to be changed to achieve the goal of the program. Perhaps fixing the problem is what's needed.
Anyway, these have been my observations today. I'll be back with more, if I have more to report back.
