A little note to add.
Quite a while after I wrote the journal entry, I felt tense, frustrated and sad. I've realized how many of the "don'ts" of dating and relationships I did my whole life. And basically it stemmed from the Man Transformation program. At one point, David DeAngelo says that in some part of the female mind, she secretly wants us to die for her. This came in the context of "Alpha Male protecting their loved ones". Out of all the things that have been postulated in the relationship advice, this one hurt me the most. It hurt me in the sense that...well, it gets a little complicated.
In the same program mentioned above, David D says that it's important for us to realize the humongous importance of "female peer pressure" and social conditioning/programming and how overwhelming it is for females. Putting into account how guys ( and women amongst themselves too ) perceive them if they put out, if they don't put out, the hormone-gone-awry thing during ovulation and so on and soforth.
But isn't it overwhelming to guys too just that fact alone???? That women secretly and subconsciously need to know if we males are willing to die for them? Sure, I am conscious that it can be as subtle as standing up for her when, for example, she gets the wrong thing she ordered at a bar while on a date with a guy and the guy stands up for her and say "that's not what the lady ordered" or just being on the phone with her while she walks in a place where there are stray dogs walking around. But the way it's been formulated...well, it's overwhelming for me. And it scares me a bit ( this is hard for me to admit, btw ).
It's not that I'm afraid of death and/or dying, I've stared death in the face and lived to tell the story. I had a car accident 11 years ago. While coming from my birthday, on the crosswalk, a Jeep threw me into another car, exactly like Brad Pitt's character in Meet Joe Black. At that moment, I felt what it's like to be dead : it's blank. It's black. And it's painless. At that moment, my life didn't flash before my eyes, didn't felt anything, didn't see anything. Just pure blackness, nothingness and no pain.
I can say that I can safely embrace death without any fear of pain whatsoever. In the minds of men, I think they are just afraid of the build-up of the moment it comes, of what is or what isn't there, not afraid of death per se. Can't say exactly that I'd feel the same if I knew I'd be executed or have a gun at my head or literally being tortured/maimed to death. But I do know that death in and of itself is painless. And it's pitch black. Quite frankly, I'm OK with that. I mean, seriously, can you be afraid of something black and nothingless? What is beyond that point, it's none of my concern.
I always felt somewhat pitiful towards a man that will give his life to a girl. Because I've played scenarios in my head when broken up with certain long term girlfriends that convey just that : that I'd jump in front of a car to save her, that I'd take a bullet for her or that I'd confront a bear/tiger and kill it with my bare hands. Keep in mind, this happens ONLY when a long-term girlfriend breaks up with me. Certainly it's the loss that triggers this type of thing in my head. But why only then? Why not when I'm together with her? The curious thing is that they sense these things. It's like magic.
I feel I am on the verge of a breakthrough here.
Maybe I'm actually afraid of being that attached to someone. So I'm afraid to become "so attached that I can just throw myself in a blink of an eye in front of a truck to save her", BECAUSE I've experienced that accident?
So I'm frustrated of this whole thing BECAUSE I know that it's a big nothingness and painless??? HUH??? It doesn't make sense!! Oh, wait... it's because I know how it feels like, I've experienced it and know what I've experienced. Oh. My. God.
But wait, it still doesn't make complete sense. If this is it, then why am I now mindlessly doing crazy stuff and be completely reckless??? Because I know it's not a thrill anymore? Could this be it?
God....What. A. Realization. I can't believe how deep the rabbit hole went. My God...
Quite a while after I wrote the journal entry, I felt tense, frustrated and sad. I've realized how many of the "don'ts" of dating and relationships I did my whole life. And basically it stemmed from the Man Transformation program. At one point, David DeAngelo says that in some part of the female mind, she secretly wants us to die for her. This came in the context of "Alpha Male protecting their loved ones". Out of all the things that have been postulated in the relationship advice, this one hurt me the most. It hurt me in the sense that...well, it gets a little complicated.
In the same program mentioned above, David D says that it's important for us to realize the humongous importance of "female peer pressure" and social conditioning/programming and how overwhelming it is for females. Putting into account how guys ( and women amongst themselves too ) perceive them if they put out, if they don't put out, the hormone-gone-awry thing during ovulation and so on and soforth.
But isn't it overwhelming to guys too just that fact alone???? That women secretly and subconsciously need to know if we males are willing to die for them? Sure, I am conscious that it can be as subtle as standing up for her when, for example, she gets the wrong thing she ordered at a bar while on a date with a guy and the guy stands up for her and say "that's not what the lady ordered" or just being on the phone with her while she walks in a place where there are stray dogs walking around. But the way it's been formulated...well, it's overwhelming for me. And it scares me a bit ( this is hard for me to admit, btw ).
It's not that I'm afraid of death and/or dying, I've stared death in the face and lived to tell the story. I had a car accident 11 years ago. While coming from my birthday, on the crosswalk, a Jeep threw me into another car, exactly like Brad Pitt's character in Meet Joe Black. At that moment, I felt what it's like to be dead : it's blank. It's black. And it's painless. At that moment, my life didn't flash before my eyes, didn't felt anything, didn't see anything. Just pure blackness, nothingness and no pain.
I can say that I can safely embrace death without any fear of pain whatsoever. In the minds of men, I think they are just afraid of the build-up of the moment it comes, of what is or what isn't there, not afraid of death per se. Can't say exactly that I'd feel the same if I knew I'd be executed or have a gun at my head or literally being tortured/maimed to death. But I do know that death in and of itself is painless. And it's pitch black. Quite frankly, I'm OK with that. I mean, seriously, can you be afraid of something black and nothingless? What is beyond that point, it's none of my concern.
I always felt somewhat pitiful towards a man that will give his life to a girl. Because I've played scenarios in my head when broken up with certain long term girlfriends that convey just that : that I'd jump in front of a car to save her, that I'd take a bullet for her or that I'd confront a bear/tiger and kill it with my bare hands. Keep in mind, this happens ONLY when a long-term girlfriend breaks up with me. Certainly it's the loss that triggers this type of thing in my head. But why only then? Why not when I'm together with her? The curious thing is that they sense these things. It's like magic.
I feel I am on the verge of a breakthrough here.
Maybe I'm actually afraid of being that attached to someone. So I'm afraid to become "so attached that I can just throw myself in a blink of an eye in front of a truck to save her", BECAUSE I've experienced that accident?
So I'm frustrated of this whole thing BECAUSE I know that it's a big nothingness and painless??? HUH??? It doesn't make sense!! Oh, wait... it's because I know how it feels like, I've experienced it and know what I've experienced. Oh. My. God.
But wait, it still doesn't make complete sense. If this is it, then why am I now mindlessly doing crazy stuff and be completely reckless??? Because I know it's not a thrill anymore? Could this be it?
God....What. A. Realization. I can't believe how deep the rabbit hole went. My God...
What I can be, I must be!
