01-23-2013, 09:00 AM
I haven’t been posting on here too much because I’ve been finding it both self-destructive and non-productive. For all intent and purposes the program is doing exactly what it’s suppose to do, I’m not smoking. But it’s the fall out from not smoking that’s causing me so much distress. I’ve used smoking to help me deal with any given situation in my life that I needed it too. And now I have nothing. It wouldn’t have taken away the situations that are causing me so much anguish, but it would of helped numb them. I am angry most of the time anymore. My family keeps asking me if I’m all right or they make comments that I never seem happy anymore. Miserable is a word used a lot when my kids are describing me these days. I feel very serious most of the time and things that I used to think of as fun, seem like a waste of time and I’d rather just not be bothered. I’m basically just getting through each day. I have an extreme amount of resentment towards anyone who gets in my way.
I’m sure I’ve felt like this when smoking, but it’s a drug and has the ability to numb emotions. I notice every negative aspect of my life right now which bright clarity. I feel like I’m going through a total rebuild or reformat of my mind and right now I’m in limbo, not knowing what to do. I think I have a lot of repressed anger, resentment and sadness that is coming out now, which is ok I guess, except I don’t know what to do with it. And nothing can be changed to make me feel any better. Some days my anxiety is so strong I can hardly move and I seriously have no motivation to make anything better. I do wish that this program wasn’t so concentrated on me and could help my kids. It’s a little harder not smoking when they all are.
With all that said, I am basically giving myself permission to go through this. My goal at this time is to finish the program and I know I’ll do that. Then I’ll take a break and then listen to OFSG even though I’ll probably kill me but I just keep hoping that one of these programs will eventually help to feel better.
I’m sure I’ve felt like this when smoking, but it’s a drug and has the ability to numb emotions. I notice every negative aspect of my life right now which bright clarity. I feel like I’m going through a total rebuild or reformat of my mind and right now I’m in limbo, not knowing what to do. I think I have a lot of repressed anger, resentment and sadness that is coming out now, which is ok I guess, except I don’t know what to do with it. And nothing can be changed to make me feel any better. Some days my anxiety is so strong I can hardly move and I seriously have no motivation to make anything better. I do wish that this program wasn’t so concentrated on me and could help my kids. It’s a little harder not smoking when they all are.
With all that said, I am basically giving myself permission to go through this. My goal at this time is to finish the program and I know I’ll do that. Then I’ll take a break and then listen to OFSG even though I’ll probably kill me but I just keep hoping that one of these programs will eventually help to feel better.
If you're searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror!
