Smoking sub-take 3-HST-take 1

[Shannon]

I think “relief” is the best possible descriptive word that could be applied to me and my addiction.

You are holding on to and trying to own "your addiction". Let it go, Patti. "Your addiction" ended about 14 days after you quit smoking. It's not there anymore. You cannot hold onto what does not exist, and trying to is a sign of fear.

Some of the definitions of relief are:
Freeing of somebody from anxiety: a release from anxiety or tension, or the feeling of release, lightness, and cheerfulness that accompanies this….Yes
Factor that ends anxiety: a factor that ends a painful or stressful experience such as pain, hunger, or boredom…Yes
Stark contrast creating diversion: a factor forming a contrast to the general character of something else, especially something that breaks the monotony or tension of a longer experience…Yes

Anxiety is a form of FEAR. Stark contrast creating a diversion is dealing with boredom.

These all define reasons as to why I smoke or smoked. Is there anything in this sub that addresses relief?

Quite, indeed.

I think your mother was very brave and lucky drinking alcohol after knowing and addressing she was alcoholic. I know many a recovering alcoholic who cannot even use mouthwash because of the small alcohol content. In the same respect I wish I could be the type of person who could smoke on occasion of only when I really enjoyed it, but that’s impossible and not the way addiction works, or at least for me.

Patti, when you watch someone who was an out of control alcoholic for 20+ years drink a couple mouthfuls of beer and then nonchalantly hand it back and then move on to the next topic as if nothing happened, you know that luck had nothing to do with it. You either have the desire for it or you don't.

She didn't. She was no longer an alcoholic. And she's not the only person I have seen do this. I also know people who find a balance with alcoholism that allows them to drag their lives through the mud for decades and think they are happy with the result. But the only thing going on is that they've found the "misery they can deal with". Those people, and the ones who haven't yet achieved that balance, are going to be the alcoholics.

Again... there are only three observed states when it comes to alcoholism. State 1 is active alcoholic. State 2 is inactive alcoholic (trying to stop drinking, what you are calling a "recovering alcoholic" I think). State 3 is non-alcoholic. Most people do not achieve state 3 because they are continually brainwashed by AA into believing they have no hope of getting past alcoholism, and they never actually address the root of the issue, which is growing past the fear that drives this response. I firmly believe that alcoholism is a response, and a choice, not a disease and not an addiction. You may have a genetic propensity to have a somewhat different physical response to alcohol than others. But it's a choice, and trying to say it isn't only enables those people to suffer more because it is a ready made excuse as well. "Oh, I can't help myself, I have no power to change, I'm helpless, this is never going to be different, I will always be an alcoholic and always have to suffer the temptation of alcohol.

Bullshit. And bullshit on the same logic applied to smoking. It's a choice, and you have proved that in quite clear demonstration.

I have an "alcoholic parent". Do you know why I never "became an alcoholic"? Because I was so terrified of alcohol that it set me straight. While all the other kids were experimenting with it, I wouldn't touch it. While the other kids were partying and discovering alcohol as a way to socialize with social anxiety, I wouldn't touch it. It's the same thing as alcoholism in reverse: subconsciously, I had a program running that prevents me from drinking to excess. Out of fear.

When I overcame that fear, I found that I could drink alcohol and even get rip roaring drunk and not want to drink in an addictive manner, except once with one particular type of red wine. That I had what I recognize as an addiction response to. But I never drank any of that again, because I recognized that response, and I CHOSE to prevent it. I also recognize that an addiction response can be a subconscious response, and not just a genetic one.

The only thing preventing you from succeeding is this belief: "I wish I could be the type of person who could smoke on occasion of only when I really enjoyed it, but that’s impossible and not the way addiction works, or at least for me."

This is a false argument because your nicotine addiction ended at day 14. The rest is a psychological response to fear you feel that you are not good enough by yourself, and that without a cigarette, or nicotine, you are somehow therefore insufficient and incomplete. This all boils down, in your case, to fear based self esteem issues. You think you need a cigarette to be "complete" and "good enough".

You are choosing to continue to crave cigarettes because you have this fear. Because the fear still says, "But without cigarettes, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough by myself. They're what makes me whole, complete, good enough, and not alone in the world."

You have chosen to cooperate to the degree that you are no longer smoking. Now you have to choose to outgrow the limiting belief that you are not good enough as a person, or somehow are alone in the world, without a tube of shredded plant leaf and chemicals that you would otherwise unnaturally inhale the smoke of.

This that you're telling me is quite simply a subconscious resistance point, and a cop out. Let go of the idea that you're addicted, Patti. You're not. Let go of the idea that you are helpless. You're not. Let go of the idea that you're the exception to the rule - you're not. Let go of the idea that you have to suffer. You don't.

All of those are choices you ARE MAKING RIGHT NOW based on fear.

I do feel that fear plays a big part in all addiction and I know it’s your go to reason of choice with most difficulties that people have when trying to change in some way. But isn’t it possible that perhaps the 75% percent of the addiction that is gone, is basically just the addiction part, whether it be physical or psychological? Couldn’t it simply be that the 25% that’s left is just the liking and enjoyment that I got out of smoking? Does it always have to be a fear issue? You’re right, I don’t need to smoke, I do want to. But sometimes not because I’m afraid to not be able to but just because I like to. It does the same for me as maybe it does for someone who has a glass of wine after a long day. And if it’s true that 25% is just about me liking it, I suppose that will just have to diminish in time. I suppose you will turn me liking it around into that being my fear also. But I don’t think everything is always about fear.

Fear isn't my go to reason of choice. Fear is the reason I keep cornering in my explorations, experimentation and research. Over and over again, when I look down the rabbit hole deeply enough, I eventually find fear, hiding there in the deepest corner. So it's not as if this is just a convenient reason, or an easy excuse. This is what I have found to be the root cause, over and over.

You are now up against the wall, and you are starting to respond like a frightened animal. You're trying to rationalize this into becoming a reason for continuing to smoke, and this is also coming from fear, because that part of you that is so afraid to let go of smoking is now realizing that it is inevitably going to lose. It must face this fear and overcome it, if you keep going. And it does not want to. You wanted so badly to quit that you got this par, and now you seem to be acting more and more like the mouthpiece of your fears as we get closer and closer to absolute success.

You are asking me, "Isn't it possible that what's left is my enjoyment of smoking?" I think it is preposterous to believe that you ever actually enjoyed smoking. It takes a certain level of brainwashing to make a person believe that something as unnatural as intentionally inhaling smoke is something rational, reasonable, normal and natural to do. That's why you coughed at first. Your body was rejecting it.

How preposterous, then, to think you enjoyed performing this unnatural act that you were performing to deliver insecticide to your body.

And once you have let go of the addiction, you're finding that the only thing between you and actually becoming a non-smoker is your choice to let go of these fears, and that scares you, because it means you have to face the fact that you feel insufficient without them. You have convinced yourself that you need them to continue. To be complete, "good enough".

I think I see the reason your previous efforts failed in the past now, Patti. You can stop the act of smoking, but until you change the root of the issue, the subconscious will slowly and tirelessly work to continue the cycle, and it restarts you by making you forget why you quit, and all the things you were sick of and replacing them with this bullshit about you still being addicted, needing them, enjoying them, being helpless, etc. etc. It won in the end because you had nothing countering it in the past. And that is why you will succeed this time.

In any case, I hope to lose both the fear and the enjoyment of smoking with this sub because I don't want to do anymore quit smoking subs after this. Either it's gonna work or it's not.

I can certainly understand that sentiment. Fighting a hard battle is not easy. But you have to understand that ultimately, Patti, the fight is between you and you. You just haven't figured out, yet, how to let go. Ultimately, the issue is that you have to choose to let it go. Face the issue. Outgrow the cop out.

Last night, while trying to get people for you to talk to about their experiences, I talked to one of my testers who just finished the set in the store. She was one of the resistant personalities. She quit smoking at about week 8, and all cravings disappeared for her about 3 weeks before the end of the program. I asked her if she was a non-smoker. Her reply was "I say I am." And that's exactly the right response. SHE says she is... and that is what makes it so. Just like you say you're not, and that makes it so. Argue for your limitations, and they are yours.

I'm working on getting her and another successful non-smoker I have current access to, to come here and talk with you and post her experiences.

I'd also like you to go back and re-read all your stop smoking journals.