09-08-2023, 02:14 PM
Day 193
Just when I begin to think I understand Maverick, it becomes an enigma again. That's been the theme recently. For the first ~5months, I was really relaxed and detached from practically everything. During month 6, that all changed. I've become more intense, aggressive, and anxious.
I sense that there are multiple things causing this.
One is that I'm growing in a manner that appears to be in different directions. On one hand, I want (need) more down time. On the other, I feel driven to push myself. I'm at war with myself. I believe that these opposing directions will somehow reconcile themselves, but for now, I've got to consciously force myself to rest. The need for rest came to a head this week.
Another thing is that I believe Maverick is still in the process of dissolving the fluff around me. That's leaving me more and more exposed. At first, Maverick did a great job of hiding any discomfort associated with this process. Now, it appears that I'm really getting down to the meat. The tender spots are being uncovered. Today, during a work activity, I was trembling. It was coming from some place deep within my body. It was barely noticeable, but it was happening. It was uncontrollable. I was reading words on the screen and I struggled to process them. I was scared of an activity I've done for 20+ years and barely requires any effort. It made zero sense. What got me through it was putting everything I had into deep breath, concentration, and methodical action. I couldn't trust myself because I had already messed up something very VERY simple by acting along what I thought were my normal thought patterns. I knew my subconscious was scared and was going to thwart my success if it could.
The last thing is that I believe I need a break. I didn't take the recommended down time after the 3rd month. The reason is that I was executing well and I didn't want to break my stride. In hindsight, I wonder if this has caused an issue that I've been struggling with for as far back as I can remember in my Maverick run...my reduction in wit. In any case, I think it's time to give myself a 2-4 week break. Duke is taking a break every 3 months, and it seems to be working well for him. Hopefully the bloom time will allow my brain to catch up and prepare me for the next 3 months.
Just when I begin to think I understand Maverick, it becomes an enigma again. That's been the theme recently. For the first ~5months, I was really relaxed and detached from practically everything. During month 6, that all changed. I've become more intense, aggressive, and anxious.
I sense that there are multiple things causing this.
One is that I'm growing in a manner that appears to be in different directions. On one hand, I want (need) more down time. On the other, I feel driven to push myself. I'm at war with myself. I believe that these opposing directions will somehow reconcile themselves, but for now, I've got to consciously force myself to rest. The need for rest came to a head this week.
Another thing is that I believe Maverick is still in the process of dissolving the fluff around me. That's leaving me more and more exposed. At first, Maverick did a great job of hiding any discomfort associated with this process. Now, it appears that I'm really getting down to the meat. The tender spots are being uncovered. Today, during a work activity, I was trembling. It was coming from some place deep within my body. It was barely noticeable, but it was happening. It was uncontrollable. I was reading words on the screen and I struggled to process them. I was scared of an activity I've done for 20+ years and barely requires any effort. It made zero sense. What got me through it was putting everything I had into deep breath, concentration, and methodical action. I couldn't trust myself because I had already messed up something very VERY simple by acting along what I thought were my normal thought patterns. I knew my subconscious was scared and was going to thwart my success if it could.
The last thing is that I believe I need a break. I didn't take the recommended down time after the 3rd month. The reason is that I was executing well and I didn't want to break my stride. In hindsight, I wonder if this has caused an issue that I've been struggling with for as far back as I can remember in my Maverick run...my reduction in wit. In any case, I think it's time to give myself a 2-4 week break. Duke is taking a break every 3 months, and it seems to be working well for him. Hopefully the bloom time will allow my brain to catch up and prepare me for the next 3 months.
