08-02-2023, 05:15 PM
Day 156
Since my last post, Ive been more temperamental than I've become accustomed to while running Maverick. I don't know that it's necessarily sub-related. I've started working out again, so it's possible that my testosterone is increasing and I'm experiencing more aggression because of it. On the other hand, it could be because a part (or parts) of me is tired of driving with a foot on the brake. I don't know. What I do know is that my intensity is increasing to levels I used to experience prior to Maverick. The difference is that my filter (another cage) is dissolving. I need to be careful with this.
Another notable is that I had an epiphany today. I've lived so much of my life in a state (or states) if fear that I've never really taken the time to determine, let alone pursue, what makes me happy. The overall level of fear I experience day to day is at an all time low. I rarely have an adrenaline surge any more. That used to be the rule. Now, it's the exception. Even with my aggressive tendencies on the rise, it's rarely backed by fight or flight adrenaline. The best way I can describe it as deep intensity. The point is, the fear fog is lifting and I'm facing the question: What brings me joy? It's sad when I acknowledge that I don't really know.
One more thing that I noticed a few days ago. In a conference room full of people, my boss consistently held eye contact with me. The odd thing is that I'm not his favorite. He has a protege. I'm not the protege. So, there's something else. It's like he consciously wants his guy to be #1. But his deeper self knows it's not going to happen. In hindsight, this has been happening for a while, but I didn't detect it until this week.
Since my last post, Ive been more temperamental than I've become accustomed to while running Maverick. I don't know that it's necessarily sub-related. I've started working out again, so it's possible that my testosterone is increasing and I'm experiencing more aggression because of it. On the other hand, it could be because a part (or parts) of me is tired of driving with a foot on the brake. I don't know. What I do know is that my intensity is increasing to levels I used to experience prior to Maverick. The difference is that my filter (another cage) is dissolving. I need to be careful with this.
Another notable is that I had an epiphany today. I've lived so much of my life in a state (or states) if fear that I've never really taken the time to determine, let alone pursue, what makes me happy. The overall level of fear I experience day to day is at an all time low. I rarely have an adrenaline surge any more. That used to be the rule. Now, it's the exception. Even with my aggressive tendencies on the rise, it's rarely backed by fight or flight adrenaline. The best way I can describe it as deep intensity. The point is, the fear fog is lifting and I'm facing the question: What brings me joy? It's sad when I acknowledge that I don't really know.
One more thing that I noticed a few days ago. In a conference room full of people, my boss consistently held eye contact with me. The odd thing is that I'm not his favorite. He has a protege. I'm not the protege. So, there's something else. It's like he consciously wants his guy to be #1. But his deeper self knows it's not going to happen. In hindsight, this has been happening for a while, but I didn't detect it until this week.
