05-29-2023, 10:34 AM
Cycle 15 Day on 3:
I have been doing alot of self reflexion lately..
Shanon is right my lack of self esteem IS my BIGGEST issue.
The reason I was a shut in in the first place was because I never had anything to do in my old town and the same applies into the new town I lived in..
I had friends that lived in my old town but they moved away before I did many years later..
The reason why I'm scared to talk to strangers is because I dont know what to talk about with them and my lack of knowledged about anything doesn't help either...
I was also used having people making the first conversation with me... So I guess I never learned how to start it my self..
The Reason I hate being fat is because I dont feel attractive because of it (despite 5 girls being interested in my from age 7-21)
The Reason I never dared to flirt with woman is... Because I dont feel attractive because of my fat and I generally dont know what to talk about with strangers...
The Thought that I might disturb or annoy people doesn't help either..
This is why I'm just staying at Home playing video games, eating food (more then I probbably need) and Fap..
Because I'm... idk.. mayby running away,hiding,coping? it's also why I had a love/hate relationship with my autism (makes reading body language alot harder after all).
It made me feel dumb and stupid and like I would have that fate forever...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But Lately:
I can atleast say: Hi and good morning to strangers.
I can happily join in my happy neighbor greetings.
I can ask question and try something that might not be a guarentee (Like admitting I made a stupid mistake as I recently did buy buying a sub/exp I already ownt.) and I learned from it thats it's okay to ask questions,
Even if it does make you feel like a dumbass,I also remember it's a one time only and I now will keep better track of what I already bought.
I think more in solutions to my problems now, Even if it can still take a while.
I also feel alot more confident now, Even if it isn't at max level, It's okay.. there are still: Life tune up and Aura of love that can give me the extra push. (and this sub/exp isn't over untill june 15th).
All in all: The fact that I know more about why I do what I do will help me alot..
I also know: That I need to give myself more time and not force myself into things I'm not ready for yet.
I guess I have a secret fear of humanity and it's unpredictablity.
It's okay... Because I know as time will go on everything will go better as I slowly keep asking myself questions.
I dont know if I will be trauma free after the 4 month's but atleast I do know myself better at that moment.
Everything else will be fixed over time: will the many subs/exps I will buy in the future
.
So thank you Shannon for making me realise my problems and making these amazing subs/exps that helped me like nothing else in the world could thank you.
I have been doing alot of self reflexion lately..
Shanon is right my lack of self esteem IS my BIGGEST issue.
The reason I was a shut in in the first place was because I never had anything to do in my old town and the same applies into the new town I lived in..
I had friends that lived in my old town but they moved away before I did many years later..
The reason why I'm scared to talk to strangers is because I dont know what to talk about with them and my lack of knowledged about anything doesn't help either...
I was also used having people making the first conversation with me... So I guess I never learned how to start it my self..
The Reason I hate being fat is because I dont feel attractive because of it (despite 5 girls being interested in my from age 7-21)
The Reason I never dared to flirt with woman is... Because I dont feel attractive because of my fat and I generally dont know what to talk about with strangers...
The Thought that I might disturb or annoy people doesn't help either..
This is why I'm just staying at Home playing video games, eating food (more then I probbably need) and Fap..
Because I'm... idk.. mayby running away,hiding,coping? it's also why I had a love/hate relationship with my autism (makes reading body language alot harder after all).
It made me feel dumb and stupid and like I would have that fate forever...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But Lately:
I can atleast say: Hi and good morning to strangers.
I can happily join in my happy neighbor greetings.
I can ask question and try something that might not be a guarentee (Like admitting I made a stupid mistake as I recently did buy buying a sub/exp I already ownt.) and I learned from it thats it's okay to ask questions,
Even if it does make you feel like a dumbass,I also remember it's a one time only and I now will keep better track of what I already bought.
I think more in solutions to my problems now, Even if it can still take a while.
I also feel alot more confident now, Even if it isn't at max level, It's okay.. there are still: Life tune up and Aura of love that can give me the extra push. (and this sub/exp isn't over untill june 15th).
All in all: The fact that I know more about why I do what I do will help me alot..
I also know: That I need to give myself more time and not force myself into things I'm not ready for yet.
I guess I have a secret fear of humanity and it's unpredictablity.
It's okay... Because I know as time will go on everything will go better as I slowly keep asking myself questions.
I dont know if I will be trauma free after the 4 month's but atleast I do know myself better at that moment.
Everything else will be fixed over time: will the many subs/exps I will buy in the future
. So thank you Shannon for making me realise my problems and making these amazing subs/exps that helped me like nothing else in the world could thank you.
