04-22-2023, 05:58 AM
(04-22-2023, 05:10 AM)NOMAD Wrote: Day 41
This week was really smooth. It wasn't perfect, but it was smooth. Even during a last minute crisis that hit me on Thursday, it was smooth. I did get pissed off, but there was a layer of indifference that I experienced. Yes, I realize that anger and indifference don't typically mix. But that's what I experienced. The best way I describe it is that the demon beneath was idling, but the 'indifference pad' provided a buffer that prevented my conscious mind from becoming overwhelmed. Once a temporary solution was worked out, I returned to my emotional baseline quickly and the problem seemed like it had been experienced days (not minutes or hours) before. In other words, the problem seemed like a thing of a relatively distant past. It's like I had been long removed from it, although I hadn't.
Another thing of note is that I'm feeling more in love with my wife. It doesn't take a lot of pondering to understand what this is about. As a kid, I was shy, sweet, sensitive, artistic, creative, intelligent etc. As a child I admired beauty. I can even recall having a crush on Barbara Mandrell when I was in kindergarten. I can probably name every girl from that time up through junior high that I had a thing for. I felt things deeply, so they're burned into my memory. Well, around junior high age, I allowed my self to be emotionally ruined by several girls that I had a thing for. I can remember, verbatim, cruel things that were said to me. I can recall literally crying myself to sleep at times. So, as the years unfolded, I built a protective all around me. Because of that, I've ruined relationships with some really good women. In certain ways, I've even kept my wife at a distance. Yes, I've dropped my guard with her, but I've always kept the mouthpiece in, just in case. This morning, I lied in bed holding her and allowing myself to experience loving emotions that I've kept at bay for years. I let myself feel it all. I didn't think about it. I just let it all in and it was amazing. This is consistent with several other things I've experienced this week as well.
It's a beautiful day today. I think I'm going to do some yard work and just enjoy being outside. I might go visit my dad. I haven't done that in a while and I kind of just want to go see him.
This sounds awesome
