04-04-2023, 01:31 AM
April 4, 2023
2nd listening day
I feel scared going forward but I'm seeing possibilities too. I had an uncomfortable experience yesterday during lunch with 3 other guys, where my driver began ribbing me about stuff everyone knew already. However, I didn't like it, and my responses were defensive and angry. I was trying to hide my anger, and it egged him on.
After lunch my mood was still poor, and I remembered feeling like this years back. It didn't take long for me to figure it out. I was holding expectations for him and others to be nice to me, even to coddle me. I admitted that to the driver and that was the best moment in my day. I wasn't stuck in the loop of unrealistic and unspoken expectations.
Shortly after, I felt within a feeling of grief, and it felt connected to this broken belief that somebody else should save me. But what was strange was that it felt doable. I felt closer to being able to grieve, and that gave me hope.
Sitting here now, I realize that the pain I'm In is coming from me trying to hold on to the past. It's a relief knowing this considering I know I'm failing.
This needed grief is coming closer every day.
2nd listening day
I feel scared going forward but I'm seeing possibilities too. I had an uncomfortable experience yesterday during lunch with 3 other guys, where my driver began ribbing me about stuff everyone knew already. However, I didn't like it, and my responses were defensive and angry. I was trying to hide my anger, and it egged him on.
After lunch my mood was still poor, and I remembered feeling like this years back. It didn't take long for me to figure it out. I was holding expectations for him and others to be nice to me, even to coddle me. I admitted that to the driver and that was the best moment in my day. I wasn't stuck in the loop of unrealistic and unspoken expectations.
Shortly after, I felt within a feeling of grief, and it felt connected to this broken belief that somebody else should save me. But what was strange was that it felt doable. I felt closer to being able to grieve, and that gave me hope.
Sitting here now, I realize that the pain I'm In is coming from me trying to hold on to the past. It's a relief knowing this considering I know I'm failing.
This needed grief is coming closer every day.
I want to be FREE!
