March 2, 2023
3rd rest day
I chose to watch a movie this morning. In the description, it mentioned a "painful childhood", so I chose to turn it on. I'm a little shocked.
This story is all about a young college girl who is having increasing PTSD memories surfacing. In her opening narrative, she spoke of not being able to pull up her past, of being disconnected from it.
I mention this since I'm still watching it now. I'm finding it TOO easy to identify with the characters. I hide behind this accomplishment or that achievement, but it's all so I won't face the emotional truth of my past. I see myself (in my head) hiding in a war-era foxhole. Just trying not to be shot (or become aware of my terrors). In truth, I spend my days doing non-stop surveillance of my present and future scenarios, trying to avoid triggering even a piece of a memory. I say this not remembering them, but feeling their power in me. Denial and confusion is demanded to cope with it. It's all that's ever worked to quiet the inner storm.
(I finished the movie)
To one not experienced in such matters, my writings and probings would seem like useless, thought-consuming, melodramatic imaginations.
But for those with actual experience, it's me truly wondering why this consumes me. And searching for how and why I need to face it. A true part of me got stuck in those memories, and I'm digging to find myself. To make peace with myself. (Crying now)
The movie is called "Wildflower". A pretty functional film, showing a lot of courage to face the truth. And courage to share it with those closest.
3rd rest day
I chose to watch a movie this morning. In the description, it mentioned a "painful childhood", so I chose to turn it on. I'm a little shocked.
This story is all about a young college girl who is having increasing PTSD memories surfacing. In her opening narrative, she spoke of not being able to pull up her past, of being disconnected from it.
I mention this since I'm still watching it now. I'm finding it TOO easy to identify with the characters. I hide behind this accomplishment or that achievement, but it's all so I won't face the emotional truth of my past. I see myself (in my head) hiding in a war-era foxhole. Just trying not to be shot (or become aware of my terrors). In truth, I spend my days doing non-stop surveillance of my present and future scenarios, trying to avoid triggering even a piece of a memory. I say this not remembering them, but feeling their power in me. Denial and confusion is demanded to cope with it. It's all that's ever worked to quiet the inner storm.
(I finished the movie)
To one not experienced in such matters, my writings and probings would seem like useless, thought-consuming, melodramatic imaginations.
But for those with actual experience, it's me truly wondering why this consumes me. And searching for how and why I need to face it. A true part of me got stuck in those memories, and I'm digging to find myself. To make peace with myself. (Crying now)
The movie is called "Wildflower". A pretty functional film, showing a lot of courage to face the truth. And courage to share it with those closest.
I want to be FREE!
