04-01-2023, 06:34 PM
April 1, 2023 (cont.)
A lot of things are actually working in my life.
E5 is straightening out my thought life, one day at a time.
I move into my new place tomorrow
I've been in touch with my daughter today, and multiple times in most weeks
An investment I've been hodling is coming up for use very soon.
I can easily find other good things. But I'm writing since my mind keeps looking back to familiar misery, causing me ...... familiar misery.
It's like.....I am so used to scaring myself and following a pattern of learned helplessness. I used it a lot in my life to manipulate for other's attention, pity, and ultimately, a rescue.
That's been me a very long time. In the back of my mind I've found myself looking for people to do a rescue, but in the last couple of years using healing subs (IML and other vendors) I've found when I pay attention, healthy people will give some nonverbal cue that says "No!" For me, a large part of growing up emotionally has been changing my thoughts from "I can't" to "I can!" And using IML subs leads me to challenge my old unhealthy norm.
That impulse has weakened, but it's not been fully rewritten. It was my most used tool when I felt down, even to where I'd accept being down since I knew I'd find a rescuer. So, how does this affect me now?
With women, part of me cringes when I find out a woman I know would like to rescue me. My marriage was somewhat of an agreed-upon rescue. I'm stronger now, but writing now, I'm looking at women with unrealistic expectations. So, I can address and change that in me. At any time.
With male peers, I see unrealistic expectations there too. I work with all guys, and feedback has been consistent, almost all of it being non-verbal. I catch it, but I often go to a childlike mindset around peers. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I'm still playing a part of the "little brother in need of rescuing". A lot of men pick this up. I've been afraid and (intentionally) uneducated on living differently. Like I'm living in a fantasy. I am. How do I break out of that?
A clearer question (having a ton of real truths) is "why am I still wanting to be a kid around adult males?" I know I am still seeking some brotherly treatment (even though I'm older than 90% of my work peers).
As I've sat here wondering about that question, I felt something inside. There's an emotional root holding me there. I use that mindset only when I'm in survival mode, and only since I began on E5 have I not need to "survive" every day. Some days more than others, but my gut has been relaxing more recently.
I'm going to pull off for now. Fears (of me accepting abuse) come to my mind, and I almost shed a tear. Am I still trying to be young, but remembering me being abused?
That answer is very, very warm. I want to heal, but am sidelined daily by fears. Pulling off now.
A lot of things are actually working in my life.
E5 is straightening out my thought life, one day at a time.
I move into my new place tomorrow
I've been in touch with my daughter today, and multiple times in most weeks
An investment I've been hodling is coming up for use very soon.
I can easily find other good things. But I'm writing since my mind keeps looking back to familiar misery, causing me ...... familiar misery.
It's like.....I am so used to scaring myself and following a pattern of learned helplessness. I used it a lot in my life to manipulate for other's attention, pity, and ultimately, a rescue.
That's been me a very long time. In the back of my mind I've found myself looking for people to do a rescue, but in the last couple of years using healing subs (IML and other vendors) I've found when I pay attention, healthy people will give some nonverbal cue that says "No!" For me, a large part of growing up emotionally has been changing my thoughts from "I can't" to "I can!" And using IML subs leads me to challenge my old unhealthy norm.
That impulse has weakened, but it's not been fully rewritten. It was my most used tool when I felt down, even to where I'd accept being down since I knew I'd find a rescuer. So, how does this affect me now?
With women, part of me cringes when I find out a woman I know would like to rescue me. My marriage was somewhat of an agreed-upon rescue. I'm stronger now, but writing now, I'm looking at women with unrealistic expectations. So, I can address and change that in me. At any time.
With male peers, I see unrealistic expectations there too. I work with all guys, and feedback has been consistent, almost all of it being non-verbal. I catch it, but I often go to a childlike mindset around peers. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I'm still playing a part of the "little brother in need of rescuing". A lot of men pick this up. I've been afraid and (intentionally) uneducated on living differently. Like I'm living in a fantasy. I am. How do I break out of that?
A clearer question (having a ton of real truths) is "why am I still wanting to be a kid around adult males?" I know I am still seeking some brotherly treatment (even though I'm older than 90% of my work peers).
As I've sat here wondering about that question, I felt something inside. There's an emotional root holding me there. I use that mindset only when I'm in survival mode, and only since I began on E5 have I not need to "survive" every day. Some days more than others, but my gut has been relaxing more recently.
I'm going to pull off for now. Fears (of me accepting abuse) come to my mind, and I almost shed a tear. Am I still trying to be young, but remembering me being abused?
That answer is very, very warm. I want to heal, but am sidelined daily by fears. Pulling off now.
I want to be FREE!
