03-19-2023, 02:31 PM
March 19, 2023
1st rest day
I'm feeling both torn to feel/admit my truths to myself along with a scared part of me seeking some hideout from it. E5 is unsettling me. It's seeking resolution.
I realized early on in the day that my latter admission yesterday IS what's causing me pain. I've buried it forever. But as I've grown on E5, this "useless" truth is one major hangup to actually growing up. I admitted I've hid behind my brother's efforts while I essentially weaselled out of responsiblity. And yes, I still eye some males in my life with an intent to hide behind their efforts, to let them be the "responsible" ones. I find no pride or courage in that stance; it just feels wrong to me.
Very simply, I'm trying to be and stay irresponsible. And that has made me feel pained. Avoiding responsibility means I stay in a child's mentality. It means I don't change. And that hurts me as I look forward, like I'm driving forward mashing my foot on the brake due to all-imagined terrors.
I found some hope in my day today, and I've got to give the sub credit. I began making and cooking a meal last night, and it was late. Last night, and all through today, I've faced the choice of cleaning behind myself--or not. But not doing so had me feel like I was running from responsibility again. So I've not left anything behind--at all--either last night or today. It seems like my smaller choices may guide my bigger choices, and that feels right.
Almost my whole life I've hid behind others so they'd bear the most weight in a mistake. it was familiar and safer for me, so I thought it was good for me. E5 is making me consistently aware how playing safe like this keeps me in a very uncomfortable spot since I'm over 50......and living in a painful past always keeps me in some old memories and past realities. I'm not 8, 10, or 13, and I'll never be again.
Yeah, i just did it while reading this. I blanked out attempting to not feel the pain (and grief) coming on. Like it's been my life's goals to avoid such pain. The EHPRA series is quite an underrated lifesaver. It works. It's making me want to work with it. And that's why I wrote this out today.
1st rest day
I'm feeling both torn to feel/admit my truths to myself along with a scared part of me seeking some hideout from it. E5 is unsettling me. It's seeking resolution.
I realized early on in the day that my latter admission yesterday IS what's causing me pain. I've buried it forever. But as I've grown on E5, this "useless" truth is one major hangup to actually growing up. I admitted I've hid behind my brother's efforts while I essentially weaselled out of responsiblity. And yes, I still eye some males in my life with an intent to hide behind their efforts, to let them be the "responsible" ones. I find no pride or courage in that stance; it just feels wrong to me.
Very simply, I'm trying to be and stay irresponsible. And that has made me feel pained. Avoiding responsibility means I stay in a child's mentality. It means I don't change. And that hurts me as I look forward, like I'm driving forward mashing my foot on the brake due to all-imagined terrors.
I found some hope in my day today, and I've got to give the sub credit. I began making and cooking a meal last night, and it was late. Last night, and all through today, I've faced the choice of cleaning behind myself--or not. But not doing so had me feel like I was running from responsibility again. So I've not left anything behind--at all--either last night or today. It seems like my smaller choices may guide my bigger choices, and that feels right.
Almost my whole life I've hid behind others so they'd bear the most weight in a mistake. it was familiar and safer for me, so I thought it was good for me. E5 is making me consistently aware how playing safe like this keeps me in a very uncomfortable spot since I'm over 50......and living in a painful past always keeps me in some old memories and past realities. I'm not 8, 10, or 13, and I'll never be again.
Yeah, i just did it while reading this. I blanked out attempting to not feel the pain (and grief) coming on. Like it's been my life's goals to avoid such pain. The EHPRA series is quite an underrated lifesaver. It works. It's making me want to work with it. And that's why I wrote this out today.
I want to be FREE!
