03-11-2023, 02:06 PM
March 11, 2023 (cont.)
I'm having a lot of experiences lately, which reflect directly back to E5. I'll face a situation I normally face, and I'll go to where I have often went: I'll be looking at some mental or chemical escape.
What's happening differently than before E5 is I am very aware I'm looking to run and avoid, and I get this internal flag pointing to what is happening in me.
I've never had this full-time awareness. It's like it connects to feelings of sadness, like I'd be purposely failing again, when I could have made different choices.
It contradicts everything I thought kept me alive. It makes me aware I shelter my view of reality A LOT.
And I'm sad to say I keep pushing it back, thinking facing this while living in the real world threatens my reality. Yeah, it does challenge my views of what "safe" is.
I think it comes down to finding where I can rest. I've used my own self-created tools all my life. E5 is questioning them very regularly.
I'm choosing to leave this here. I believe this was mostly a whine spurred by a fear of losing something again, so I'm gonna post now since I sense some changes and awarenesses wishing to come on. Well, it feels like that.
I'm having a lot of experiences lately, which reflect directly back to E5. I'll face a situation I normally face, and I'll go to where I have often went: I'll be looking at some mental or chemical escape.
What's happening differently than before E5 is I am very aware I'm looking to run and avoid, and I get this internal flag pointing to what is happening in me.
I've never had this full-time awareness. It's like it connects to feelings of sadness, like I'd be purposely failing again, when I could have made different choices.
It contradicts everything I thought kept me alive. It makes me aware I shelter my view of reality A LOT.
And I'm sad to say I keep pushing it back, thinking facing this while living in the real world threatens my reality. Yeah, it does challenge my views of what "safe" is.
I think it comes down to finding where I can rest. I've used my own self-created tools all my life. E5 is questioning them very regularly.
I'm choosing to leave this here. I believe this was mostly a whine spurred by a fear of losing something again, so I'm gonna post now since I sense some changes and awarenesses wishing to come on. Well, it feels like that.
I want to be FREE!
