03-04-2023, 08:12 AM
March 4, 2023
1st listening day
Fear is being worked on again today. I'm home waiting on a realtor to come by with potential buyers, but I received a text from my landlord last night giving me a 30 day notice to move out, so I'm a little antsy. It's uncomfortable since I keep looking for and sticking with things which don't change, and this change goes against all things set in stone.
I knew this would happen. I'm going to tell on myself (to myself) so I can find some hope (it takes a LOT of energy to hide and lie to myself).
I find myself wanting to hide, curl up in a ball, --or more specifically--hide in something familiar. Familiar equates to not having to grieve loss and change. It keeps me away from my own ungrieved losses (tears just broke out when I wrote that).
I'm going to share what I can say is true for me. I've spent my whole life ignoring and suppressing "me" since I never learned how to face major losses. That seperation from self has had me feeling quite unstable, almost entirely inhibited, extremely unconfident, and constantly hypervigilant to emotional threats. That easily summarizes most of my life thus far.
When I cried minutes ago, I felt "me". It was not hard to be "me". I actually felt confident while crying. Sounds ironic when pairing it with grieving, but I really don't care how sensical it may not appear. It was a relief. I felt "me". And it felt good.
1st listening day
Fear is being worked on again today. I'm home waiting on a realtor to come by with potential buyers, but I received a text from my landlord last night giving me a 30 day notice to move out, so I'm a little antsy. It's uncomfortable since I keep looking for and sticking with things which don't change, and this change goes against all things set in stone.
I knew this would happen. I'm going to tell on myself (to myself) so I can find some hope (it takes a LOT of energy to hide and lie to myself).
I find myself wanting to hide, curl up in a ball, --or more specifically--hide in something familiar. Familiar equates to not having to grieve loss and change. It keeps me away from my own ungrieved losses (tears just broke out when I wrote that).
I'm going to share what I can say is true for me. I've spent my whole life ignoring and suppressing "me" since I never learned how to face major losses. That seperation from self has had me feeling quite unstable, almost entirely inhibited, extremely unconfident, and constantly hypervigilant to emotional threats. That easily summarizes most of my life thus far.
When I cried minutes ago, I felt "me". It was not hard to be "me". I actually felt confident while crying. Sounds ironic when pairing it with grieving, but I really don't care how sensical it may not appear. It was a relief. I felt "me". And it felt good.
I want to be FREE!
