02-28-2023, 05:01 PM
Feb. 28, 2023
3rd listening day
I am experiencing changes unlike I've ever really allowed or experienced. I've usually posted in a (slightly aware) mindset of finding my normal comfort zone, and then just spilling my thoughts.
I just don't want to do that. It's comparable to me basically living on a running track. I'll sprint 50 meters, feel successful and good about myself, but immediately do a U-turn to return to that original starting point. I'll do the same thing over and over to feel some sense of accomplishment. Sounds like good running advice, but staying in this same mindset demands a lot of rigidity in me. It even communicates to others that need to do it too, so it keeps many distant from me due to this (we all prefer some level of spontaneity, in truth). I'm still very fearful of old feelings coming up, and this is why life is on this perpetual loop.
That's why I'm not writing so frequently. I'm trusting this dislike of my norm, as I've usually just fallen back into it. Something in me is keeping me from doing it. I'm kind of blind in it, but I'm trusting that good mental changes are growing in me.
I did have one thing pop up today. I became aware I was stuck in this fear cycle, all subconsciously. it had me remembering my LTU5 run, as this same feeling arose. I'd been on LTU5 a couple of months, and one day I began seeing how EVERY decision, whether big or small, was steered by fear. Me realizing that made me open my eyes to see how I'd set people in these predictable, restricted frames. I was projecting my fear on others, and I'd been doing this forever. It felt somewhat similar today.
And to be tested (I say this after today's events), I found myself goofing bad on the job late in the day, specifics unimportant. But I did take action to remedy it, being honest with myself and others. No manipulating for sympathy or hand-holding. So, change is happening, and I'm liking it since this difference feels more like freedom. I'll take that.
3rd listening day
I am experiencing changes unlike I've ever really allowed or experienced. I've usually posted in a (slightly aware) mindset of finding my normal comfort zone, and then just spilling my thoughts.
I just don't want to do that. It's comparable to me basically living on a running track. I'll sprint 50 meters, feel successful and good about myself, but immediately do a U-turn to return to that original starting point. I'll do the same thing over and over to feel some sense of accomplishment. Sounds like good running advice, but staying in this same mindset demands a lot of rigidity in me. It even communicates to others that need to do it too, so it keeps many distant from me due to this (we all prefer some level of spontaneity, in truth). I'm still very fearful of old feelings coming up, and this is why life is on this perpetual loop.
That's why I'm not writing so frequently. I'm trusting this dislike of my norm, as I've usually just fallen back into it. Something in me is keeping me from doing it. I'm kind of blind in it, but I'm trusting that good mental changes are growing in me.
I did have one thing pop up today. I became aware I was stuck in this fear cycle, all subconsciously. it had me remembering my LTU5 run, as this same feeling arose. I'd been on LTU5 a couple of months, and one day I began seeing how EVERY decision, whether big or small, was steered by fear. Me realizing that made me open my eyes to see how I'd set people in these predictable, restricted frames. I was projecting my fear on others, and I'd been doing this forever. It felt somewhat similar today.
And to be tested (I say this after today's events), I found myself goofing bad on the job late in the day, specifics unimportant. But I did take action to remedy it, being honest with myself and others. No manipulating for sympathy or hand-holding. So, change is happening, and I'm liking it since this difference feels more like freedom. I'll take that.
I want to be FREE!
