Feb. 16, 2023
3rd listening day
I dreamed a lot last night. Nothing that stuck with me, but I had a long, restful sleep last night.
I feel like I'm beginning to experience something I've only heard of my whole life. 2ce in the last 24 hours I've actually tried to face some fears. My whole life I've felt defeated before even trying. Fear would grab me, and I'd go no farther. Fear has always had the last say, and it's been the decider for anything and everything.
But yesterday E5 was working on me after lunch (I had a nap during lunch, so that may have opened me up). I was working alone and began imagining all kinds of situations where I was the victim of coworker's attitudes and cold choices. I was desperately looking for some bad situation to "surrender" to (an old norm of mine), and I questioned it. I knew I was pasting my attitudes and beliefs on others again--but the internal battle wouldn't die easily. I knew since starting on 3 loops that bigger changes were happening, and I kept feeling emotional roots in there. And upon feeling the fear, I didn't want to submit to it. That was the first time I've done this while being fully conscious of it. I had a great desire to face this down, to face the fear. And I'm experiencing that......right now.
I was flush with feelings upon waking up, so I sat with it. I knew writing helps me. It exposes me. I'm here now since I'm facing a fear of being vulnnerable. My main core traumas occurred with males, and ....tears just came for me. This same fear was active yesterday after lunch, as those imaginations all involved male coworkers (or the boss). Those people I've essentially given power over to. I was mad since I needed and expected love, but was imagining feeling discarded.
That's all very similar to my trauma experiences.
I'm going to let this cook in me. Impatiently stirring uncooked food doesn't speed up a good meal (emotional healing), so I'm going to pull off. Gotta get ready for work now.
3rd listening day
I dreamed a lot last night. Nothing that stuck with me, but I had a long, restful sleep last night.
I feel like I'm beginning to experience something I've only heard of my whole life. 2ce in the last 24 hours I've actually tried to face some fears. My whole life I've felt defeated before even trying. Fear would grab me, and I'd go no farther. Fear has always had the last say, and it's been the decider for anything and everything.
But yesterday E5 was working on me after lunch (I had a nap during lunch, so that may have opened me up). I was working alone and began imagining all kinds of situations where I was the victim of coworker's attitudes and cold choices. I was desperately looking for some bad situation to "surrender" to (an old norm of mine), and I questioned it. I knew I was pasting my attitudes and beliefs on others again--but the internal battle wouldn't die easily. I knew since starting on 3 loops that bigger changes were happening, and I kept feeling emotional roots in there. And upon feeling the fear, I didn't want to submit to it. That was the first time I've done this while being fully conscious of it. I had a great desire to face this down, to face the fear. And I'm experiencing that......right now.
I was flush with feelings upon waking up, so I sat with it. I knew writing helps me. It exposes me. I'm here now since I'm facing a fear of being vulnnerable. My main core traumas occurred with males, and ....tears just came for me. This same fear was active yesterday after lunch, as those imaginations all involved male coworkers (or the boss). Those people I've essentially given power over to. I was mad since I needed and expected love, but was imagining feeling discarded.
That's all very similar to my trauma experiences.
I'm going to let this cook in me. Impatiently stirring uncooked food doesn't speed up a good meal (emotional healing), so I'm going to pull off. Gotta get ready for work now.
I want to be FREE!
