10-24-2022, 10:37 AM
Kinda coming to the terms with the fact I may not make it an opera singer. Mostly through no fault my own, simply kept being overlooked or marginalized by "the powers that be" long enough that now I'm a bit too old for most things like young artist programs and the like, and I've always had trouble amassing professional experience.
I've got loads now owing to that shitty job they fired me from, but it was my only point of contact with the stage. And it's like everyone's forgotten about my existence, as usual. It makes me very, very sad, especially since I've put years upon years of work and my singing is finally reaching very good level, professional level, stage-ready level. I'm stage-ready, can't find a home for myself in the singing biz. They don't want me here, they always find someone else to fill the spots based on nepotism mostly. And then they keep telling me there are very few people with my particular voice type, especially ones that can actually sing... eh...
Considering going to a competition I know I'm not going to win at because the head of the jury never liked me and mobbed me back when I was studying. I still might go for it, just to maintain this fantasy that I might still make it as a singer. Because it's always felt a little bit like a fantasy - with that job I had, I had *something* tangible to show for it despite it being the crappiest place to sing for really low pay. And that I messed up because I've had enough of ill-treatment, was beginning to show symptoms of psychosis (I did not know that yet at the time) and lost my nerve and wrote one stupid e-mail, calling several people out on their atrocious behavior, and that was enough to can me without warning.
Kinda down in the dumps because of all that still.
Anyway, USLM appears to be doing something as I'm getting very vivid dreams, mostly in school-like settings. Considering increasing the number of loops yet again from 4 to 6, I'll give it another round of 4.
Anxiety and depression are still there - no more psychotic symptoms, fortunately - but I get some relief from them every now and again when I have something productive to do or go do things with people (which helps with the loneliness). On the lookout for translation opportunities; found some, may apply.
I've got loads now owing to that shitty job they fired me from, but it was my only point of contact with the stage. And it's like everyone's forgotten about my existence, as usual. It makes me very, very sad, especially since I've put years upon years of work and my singing is finally reaching very good level, professional level, stage-ready level. I'm stage-ready, can't find a home for myself in the singing biz. They don't want me here, they always find someone else to fill the spots based on nepotism mostly. And then they keep telling me there are very few people with my particular voice type, especially ones that can actually sing... eh...
Considering going to a competition I know I'm not going to win at because the head of the jury never liked me and mobbed me back when I was studying. I still might go for it, just to maintain this fantasy that I might still make it as a singer. Because it's always felt a little bit like a fantasy - with that job I had, I had *something* tangible to show for it despite it being the crappiest place to sing for really low pay. And that I messed up because I've had enough of ill-treatment, was beginning to show symptoms of psychosis (I did not know that yet at the time) and lost my nerve and wrote one stupid e-mail, calling several people out on their atrocious behavior, and that was enough to can me without warning.
Kinda down in the dumps because of all that still.
Anyway, USLM appears to be doing something as I'm getting very vivid dreams, mostly in school-like settings. Considering increasing the number of loops yet again from 4 to 6, I'll give it another round of 4.
Anxiety and depression are still there - no more psychotic symptoms, fortunately - but I get some relief from them every now and again when I have something productive to do or go do things with people (which helps with the loneliness). On the lookout for translation opportunities; found some, may apply.
"A man who is doing his True Will has the inertia of the Universe to assist him." - A. Crowley
