07-26-2021, 12:36 AM
Day 22
3 US loops while sleeping
I'm feeling and experiencing something new to me. I didn't want to write this morning, and........I think I'm seeing why now. Maybe.
I had read Shannon's response to Jake Friday of how he keeps deluding himself again and again not seeing progress, and I'm guessing I'm seeing a bit of self-BSing in myself. My BSing is me looking for pity when none is needed. Damn. Yep. Old patterns. So, I've not posted, and I've really not worried about it. Coming here and putting on some BS show is a stressor for me. No thank you.
Friday, I cancelled my off day, and I ran 5 loops. I kept hearing that number in my head, so I followed it and took the next 2 days off. I tended to do what was important the next 2 days. I wrote my miner, got real with him, but I was in control of myself. He listened, and I shared with him something that's working in my own life, not money-related, though it affects everything.
I also was mean to my sister yesterday, and I made amends after. She'd called me, and I heard her turn the conversation into a real attack on me, though she kept being indirect. I owned it, stewed on it, and texted a nasty response back with it ending "F*** you!" I was mad, but scared. And after this last week of loving others and myself, me softening gradually, I sent an honest "I was wrong. I'm sorry I hurt you." since I knew I'd cut her.
She asked me to call so we could sort it out. I did. I misunderstood her completely. She was trying to sidestep an issue in her own life (her being indirect), and she was talking about herself. I had come into our original conversation silently wanting some support, and listening for it. She had been beating her own ass, and I had thought she was attacking me.
I cried when speaking to her. Relationships are very vulnerable, we both had needs, and I saw the effects of telling her off. That hit deep.
We both owned our parts, I felt my emotion throughout, and I'm still kind of vulnerable this morning. I'd be more if I didn't have to head into work. Well..... Maybe I might show myself to someone I'm working around. It is possible. I'll leave here with that.
3 US loops while sleeping
I'm feeling and experiencing something new to me. I didn't want to write this morning, and........I think I'm seeing why now. Maybe.
I had read Shannon's response to Jake Friday of how he keeps deluding himself again and again not seeing progress, and I'm guessing I'm seeing a bit of self-BSing in myself. My BSing is me looking for pity when none is needed. Damn. Yep. Old patterns. So, I've not posted, and I've really not worried about it. Coming here and putting on some BS show is a stressor for me. No thank you.
Friday, I cancelled my off day, and I ran 5 loops. I kept hearing that number in my head, so I followed it and took the next 2 days off. I tended to do what was important the next 2 days. I wrote my miner, got real with him, but I was in control of myself. He listened, and I shared with him something that's working in my own life, not money-related, though it affects everything.
I also was mean to my sister yesterday, and I made amends after. She'd called me, and I heard her turn the conversation into a real attack on me, though she kept being indirect. I owned it, stewed on it, and texted a nasty response back with it ending "F*** you!" I was mad, but scared. And after this last week of loving others and myself, me softening gradually, I sent an honest "I was wrong. I'm sorry I hurt you." since I knew I'd cut her.
She asked me to call so we could sort it out. I did. I misunderstood her completely. She was trying to sidestep an issue in her own life (her being indirect), and she was talking about herself. I had come into our original conversation silently wanting some support, and listening for it. She had been beating her own ass, and I had thought she was attacking me.
I cried when speaking to her. Relationships are very vulnerable, we both had needs, and I saw the effects of telling her off. That hit deep.
We both owned our parts, I felt my emotion throughout, and I'm still kind of vulnerable this morning. I'd be more if I didn't have to head into work. Well..... Maybe I might show myself to someone I'm working around. It is possible. I'll leave here with that.
I want to be FREE!
