07-20-2021, 11:34 PM
Day 17
3 loops listened to while sleeping
It was digging last night before I ever started listening again. I realized my mind was fighting hard to hold its ground, and I put in 4 1-hour silent loops before OF3. This morning I feel a little uncertain, young even.
I'm daring myself to not put on a front, which is why I'm writing. I'm thinking of my future day today, and the little kid in me is terrified, constantly looking for some old hideout or distraction. I see him scared, but lonely. I don't think I should see him as an enemy, just one with opposing thoughts. He's part of me, and he's scared for a reason.
And clear thoughts were showing up last night before bed. I realized I cried after speaking to the mechanic since...."he should have abandoned me. Everyone does" (my thinking). I found people extremely kind to me all day yesterday. I'm wondering what I'm giving off vibe-wise since people are really welcoming me in. In my old days, THAT would have scared me away. My biggest internal clash is that I can accept it fully. Maybe even be worthy of that. I write that since an old voice says "no, no". My old "safe thinking" told me I would never be worthy--maybe that was Mom's message, as I thought of her while writing. Wow, remembering 30 years back now.
And one thing I've enjoyed about OF3 is that it seems to keep me in the present moment. My mind has always found fear in either my past or my future, but in the present, not really. I'm remembering stuff, but not getting stuck there. Thank you for that feature Shannon. Getting stuck in our pasts might have made OF3 a dismal failure. It doesn't keep me there, and that's absolute golden. I actually stopped looking for popular healing modalities (therapy and such) due to that. Some call it "healing hell", since a lot of it is. No thank you. Thank you for your choices while making OF3.
3 loops listened to while sleeping
It was digging last night before I ever started listening again. I realized my mind was fighting hard to hold its ground, and I put in 4 1-hour silent loops before OF3. This morning I feel a little uncertain, young even.
I'm daring myself to not put on a front, which is why I'm writing. I'm thinking of my future day today, and the little kid in me is terrified, constantly looking for some old hideout or distraction. I see him scared, but lonely. I don't think I should see him as an enemy, just one with opposing thoughts. He's part of me, and he's scared for a reason.
And clear thoughts were showing up last night before bed. I realized I cried after speaking to the mechanic since...."he should have abandoned me. Everyone does" (my thinking). I found people extremely kind to me all day yesterday. I'm wondering what I'm giving off vibe-wise since people are really welcoming me in. In my old days, THAT would have scared me away. My biggest internal clash is that I can accept it fully. Maybe even be worthy of that. I write that since an old voice says "no, no". My old "safe thinking" told me I would never be worthy--maybe that was Mom's message, as I thought of her while writing. Wow, remembering 30 years back now.
And one thing I've enjoyed about OF3 is that it seems to keep me in the present moment. My mind has always found fear in either my past or my future, but in the present, not really. I'm remembering stuff, but not getting stuck there. Thank you for that feature Shannon. Getting stuck in our pasts might have made OF3 a dismal failure. It doesn't keep me there, and that's absolute golden. I actually stopped looking for popular healing modalities (therapy and such) due to that. Some call it "healing hell", since a lot of it is. No thank you. Thank you for your choices while making OF3.
I want to be FREE!
