07-19-2021, 12:58 AM
Day 15
1st day off (redo)
Something is changing in me, as I realized old motivations to write here are dissipating. I used to come here anxious and afraid, seeking someone's attention, but fearing the worst regularly. I'd even plan messages hours ahead to figure out my angle. Now, I'm coming here and sharing the first things on my mind, like now. I'm not sure where it's heading, but I'm realizing that fear pushed me, becoming like mental furniture never budging.
My fear of abandonment is still the root. I think yesterday was rough since OF3 went deeper. I did 3 loops. That's been my biggest known fear. It's controlled me.
For example, I had a zoom meeting with a business coach yesterday, from the company I joined. I was in that "oh shit" mode, hoping everything would be surface and shallow, but she asked questions about doubts I had, and I shared honestly, in limited amounts. She even said I was extremely self-aware, which she saw as good. I hadn't realized her meaning until I watched a training later, and it was pointed out early that many entrepreneurs fail early on since they don't know their personal limits and make poor choices repeatedly. I had shared I've began in at least a dozen businesses, but fear and feeling alone have been my weaknesses. I sought the coaching for accountability--but it was multiple thousands, and I couldn't swing it. I'll have to find things I've never used, like their FB group. I have fears there, so maybe....this is good (?)
Good morning. Heading out.
1st day off (redo)
Something is changing in me, as I realized old motivations to write here are dissipating. I used to come here anxious and afraid, seeking someone's attention, but fearing the worst regularly. I'd even plan messages hours ahead to figure out my angle. Now, I'm coming here and sharing the first things on my mind, like now. I'm not sure where it's heading, but I'm realizing that fear pushed me, becoming like mental furniture never budging.
My fear of abandonment is still the root. I think yesterday was rough since OF3 went deeper. I did 3 loops. That's been my biggest known fear. It's controlled me.
For example, I had a zoom meeting with a business coach yesterday, from the company I joined. I was in that "oh shit" mode, hoping everything would be surface and shallow, but she asked questions about doubts I had, and I shared honestly, in limited amounts. She even said I was extremely self-aware, which she saw as good. I hadn't realized her meaning until I watched a training later, and it was pointed out early that many entrepreneurs fail early on since they don't know their personal limits and make poor choices repeatedly. I had shared I've began in at least a dozen businesses, but fear and feeling alone have been my weaknesses. I sought the coaching for accountability--but it was multiple thousands, and I couldn't swing it. I'll have to find things I've never used, like their FB group. I have fears there, so maybe....this is good (?)
Good morning. Heading out.
I want to be FREE!
