Day 14
1st day off
I'm still amazed. OF3 showed up for me last night.
I received a text and call from my middle brother yesterday while I was working. He wanted me to call him when I was able. This is the brother I wrote about a week ago, the one who I was closest to--the same who hurt and abandoned me. I found it an invitation to see where I stood emotionally, so I told him I'd call when off work. I forgot after work and called him when I remembered it, maybe 5 hours later.
In a sentence, I was different. So different, since I was not following fears like I've normally done. I'm usually triggered by him stewing over old family shit--but those triggers weren't hammering me. It's like my normal mental landscape had been revamped, and I was in a different place altogether, having different tools to work with.
One proof is he began sharing old memories of us living poor and having to scrounge for glass bottles to cash in in the shady parts of town. He finished that story, breathed, then launched right into another one. I stopped him. I asked why he was sharing it. He said he thought it'd help me.
I mindfully shared it doesn't help me. I shared he sounded scared. He dismissed that. He tried to roll onto another story, but I stopped him again. I was unoffended, yet I needed to share my boundaries. I shared he's monologued for years, shutting down true communication, when in fact, I want to be heard too. He heard me. He even apologized 2 times throughout our talk, realizing he'd began dumping again.
--And a fear has been showing up while writing this: I felt much, much closer to him than I'd expected while talking, and the fear which pops up now is "these guys will take advantage of me if I share that". OF3 is showing up right now, like it did last night. When I slowly dropped my guard last night, doors opened.
I'm slowly realizing I have not had much self-esteem, so standing up for myself has always been a mute issue. And here I'll share that I love my brother. He also hurt me. He did. I know that me healing me doesn't require his involvement, though it can confirm my progress. It felt good speaking up for myself last night. It felt good allowing the communication. I heard a bunch of things which said we carry the same burdens.
I'm fumbling now. I'm used to allowing guys to mistreat me at their whim. I'm just not so fearful of standing up for myself presently, here and in real life. This is new, and I felt some fear stating that. The fear is guys mistreating me.
No. Not here. I have doubts airing this, but I won't allow that.
Maybe I've put all the blame on "other guys" (anyone in general) since I've been afraid to address the one who hurt me. I think I'm seeing this now. Even realizing fear is holding this in place....hmmm. I also felt sad along with a letting go of it. That's been mine to do.
1st day off
I'm still amazed. OF3 showed up for me last night.
I received a text and call from my middle brother yesterday while I was working. He wanted me to call him when I was able. This is the brother I wrote about a week ago, the one who I was closest to--the same who hurt and abandoned me. I found it an invitation to see where I stood emotionally, so I told him I'd call when off work. I forgot after work and called him when I remembered it, maybe 5 hours later.
In a sentence, I was different. So different, since I was not following fears like I've normally done. I'm usually triggered by him stewing over old family shit--but those triggers weren't hammering me. It's like my normal mental landscape had been revamped, and I was in a different place altogether, having different tools to work with.
One proof is he began sharing old memories of us living poor and having to scrounge for glass bottles to cash in in the shady parts of town. He finished that story, breathed, then launched right into another one. I stopped him. I asked why he was sharing it. He said he thought it'd help me.
I mindfully shared it doesn't help me. I shared he sounded scared. He dismissed that. He tried to roll onto another story, but I stopped him again. I was unoffended, yet I needed to share my boundaries. I shared he's monologued for years, shutting down true communication, when in fact, I want to be heard too. He heard me. He even apologized 2 times throughout our talk, realizing he'd began dumping again.
--And a fear has been showing up while writing this: I felt much, much closer to him than I'd expected while talking, and the fear which pops up now is "these guys will take advantage of me if I share that". OF3 is showing up right now, like it did last night. When I slowly dropped my guard last night, doors opened.
I'm slowly realizing I have not had much self-esteem, so standing up for myself has always been a mute issue. And here I'll share that I love my brother. He also hurt me. He did. I know that me healing me doesn't require his involvement, though it can confirm my progress. It felt good speaking up for myself last night. It felt good allowing the communication. I heard a bunch of things which said we carry the same burdens.
I'm fumbling now. I'm used to allowing guys to mistreat me at their whim. I'm just not so fearful of standing up for myself presently, here and in real life. This is new, and I felt some fear stating that. The fear is guys mistreating me.
No. Not here. I have doubts airing this, but I won't allow that.
Maybe I've put all the blame on "other guys" (anyone in general) since I've been afraid to address the one who hurt me. I think I'm seeing this now. Even realizing fear is holding this in place....hmmm. I also felt sad along with a letting go of it. That's been mine to do.
I want to be FREE!
