07-12-2021, 01:14 PM
(07-12-2021, 12:59 PM)findingme Wrote: I've been home all day, knowing I still need to go to a store for my phone. I've thought I was ok. Considering I've always had some fear in place, I wasn't moved. Fear usually moves me...
Almost 2 hours back I had a major fear rush, and from what I'm not sure. I feel like my physical body is fighting my mental states, with me having stomach pains most of the day. I then read MysticPymp's thread of how he'd goofed and listened to 9+ loops accidentally. I also read Shannon saying it may have had good effects on him, nonetheless.
An increasing feeling of desperation hit me, and I turned on loops. My 2nd loop is almost finished. I've had this long-time fear of being called out in anger, which I've projected onto Shannon numerous times. This could come from anyone really, but it's why I've curtailed myself or simply not written to men here.
Loop just ended.
Fear of rejection is on the table. It's showing mostly in my stomach.
Major: I just realized I put my whole worth in other's hands. Like I'm only worthy IF you love or like me, which is why I hide and isolate mostly. And it doesn't/hasn't worked.
Damn. The connection is my old belief which showed up from childhood last night: I'll be loved if I perform ("if I'm good, obedient, submissive") .......all beliefs I've equated with being a weak man.
Edit: I'm not a weak man. I've been without awareness, answers, or a sense of self-worth to make helpful, hopeful choices in my life.
Fear is still hanging on.
hi, did you ever use AM,ASC or SE kind of sub?
AM6-1(4.19)--AM6-2(11.19)--SE-5.5G--AM6-3(9.20)--SE 5.5G(3.21)--AM6-S7(6.21)--SM3-1(7.2021)--AM6-4(1.2022)
"To be able to shape your future, you have to be WILLING and ABLE to CHANGE YOUR PARADIGM." - Joel Barker
"To be able to shape your future, you have to be WILLING and ABLE to CHANGE YOUR PARADIGM." - Joel Barker
