07-12-2021, 07:21 AM
Day 8
First rest day
I woke up and habitually put on a loop. Then checked myself. I'd done loops both Saturday and Sunday, so 2 days down. It was rest days, so I killed my player after running it 10 minutes. I even called out today since I was out late last night, not my norm.
So, I'm home today, and I'm looking for info and inspiration on money ideas. I even did a personality survey this morning on a company's website to see what kind of investor I was. Did so, and I was encouraged. Short story is my very personality strengths are also my weaknesses. I've found this true in investing, where I'd make a quick decision and sometimes regret it. I'm much more aware of questionable investments now.
But this is about my OF3 results. I took advantage of those avenues today since fear always tries to spook me away from taking action. So I jumped in, connecting old ideas and plans with possible newer ones.
I also contacted a man about a financial trust I've known about, facing fears of.....well, my past lack of follow-through. I'd gone back and forth with him over the last 2 months, me doing the waiting...waiting....waiting to commit.
I'm also feeling a little braver being direct with my miner/trader. He shared his investment plans with my money 2 days ago, I added some more questions, but haven't heard back. I DID give specific money goals though, and he'd agreed to it in earlier conversations. I can only assume he didn't reply yet since he wants to deliver before talking. I'm may be just dreaming, but it's pointing that way.
Need to breathe............ok.
And last night, I accepted an invitation to dinner with my sister. I've avoided her a lot in recent years since I've wanted emotional help...which she wasn't really capable of. I didn't even know why I was going, and I had a host of angry imaginations of possible arguments that might ensue.
And.....it never happened. I was open, and I found she needed me that day. Her daughter committed suicide 2(?) years ago, and she was on my sister's mind. My sister recently moved out of her BF's house since he'd hit her in month's past, and she knew she could talk to me. She actually cried in front of me, something I've never witnessed, and I knew she was in real need. We talked about a lot of family stuff, things I'd not thought of in eons, and I found it to be a true time for healing. I didn't leave until 9, got to bed at 10, and decided I could and would take care of myself today upon waking up.
One thing I'll highlight is this: while driving to her place, I realized, spoke, and began crying since I've believed "if I want love, I need to perform (give, work, etc.)" I shared this with her after we'd talked a while, I'd seen a connection to my unavailable wife while married, and I cried again. She had shared she'd thrown away some cards of my Mom's she'd found where me and my brothers were literally begging our mom to love us. We were 6-9 years old when we'd wrote them. I had blocked that memory.
And this has been the main limiter to me pursuing relations with women currently. A lot of it is fear, and a part is unreleased grief. I have no idea why, but I'm keeping those words. I've circled around, soothed, medicated, manipulated......damn...but I've not owned it yet. OF3 is getting me closer. I'm really, really grateful for this tool presently.
First rest day
I woke up and habitually put on a loop. Then checked myself. I'd done loops both Saturday and Sunday, so 2 days down. It was rest days, so I killed my player after running it 10 minutes. I even called out today since I was out late last night, not my norm.
So, I'm home today, and I'm looking for info and inspiration on money ideas. I even did a personality survey this morning on a company's website to see what kind of investor I was. Did so, and I was encouraged. Short story is my very personality strengths are also my weaknesses. I've found this true in investing, where I'd make a quick decision and sometimes regret it. I'm much more aware of questionable investments now.
But this is about my OF3 results. I took advantage of those avenues today since fear always tries to spook me away from taking action. So I jumped in, connecting old ideas and plans with possible newer ones.
I also contacted a man about a financial trust I've known about, facing fears of.....well, my past lack of follow-through. I'd gone back and forth with him over the last 2 months, me doing the waiting...waiting....waiting to commit.
I'm also feeling a little braver being direct with my miner/trader. He shared his investment plans with my money 2 days ago, I added some more questions, but haven't heard back. I DID give specific money goals though, and he'd agreed to it in earlier conversations. I can only assume he didn't reply yet since he wants to deliver before talking. I'm may be just dreaming, but it's pointing that way.
Need to breathe............ok.
And last night, I accepted an invitation to dinner with my sister. I've avoided her a lot in recent years since I've wanted emotional help...which she wasn't really capable of. I didn't even know why I was going, and I had a host of angry imaginations of possible arguments that might ensue.
And.....it never happened. I was open, and I found she needed me that day. Her daughter committed suicide 2(?) years ago, and she was on my sister's mind. My sister recently moved out of her BF's house since he'd hit her in month's past, and she knew she could talk to me. She actually cried in front of me, something I've never witnessed, and I knew she was in real need. We talked about a lot of family stuff, things I'd not thought of in eons, and I found it to be a true time for healing. I didn't leave until 9, got to bed at 10, and decided I could and would take care of myself today upon waking up.
One thing I'll highlight is this: while driving to her place, I realized, spoke, and began crying since I've believed "if I want love, I need to perform (give, work, etc.)" I shared this with her after we'd talked a while, I'd seen a connection to my unavailable wife while married, and I cried again. She had shared she'd thrown away some cards of my Mom's she'd found where me and my brothers were literally begging our mom to love us. We were 6-9 years old when we'd wrote them. I had blocked that memory.
And this has been the main limiter to me pursuing relations with women currently. A lot of it is fear, and a part is unreleased grief. I have no idea why, but I'm keeping those words. I've circled around, soothed, medicated, manipulated......damn...but I've not owned it yet. OF3 is getting me closer. I'm really, really grateful for this tool presently.
I want to be FREE!
