07-11-2021, 07:21 AM
Taking responsibility. For messing up. For succeeding. I just re-read yesterday's post about my miner. And he replied this morning. No tragic changes like I'd imagined.
I'm reflective now, connecting childhood memories with present circumstances. Feeling like I shut down my growth in childhood. Like I stopped. Just stopped. I'd hope for a salvation at times, but fear held me back from hoping for or seeking it. I learned to put on a "nice guy" mask so people wouldn't leave me. Fear always remained. Fear also f***** me up by keeping me in that exact same spot. If people weren't leaving me, I'd leave them. I think I've put myself in more pain from imagining an abandonment than ever experiencing them. That is 100% true. My thoughts were my reality, and fear has been the pain-making rudder on my life journey.
I've been watching my reactions to people this week, and my intuition has seen me repeatedly act out in fear (to avoid people rejecting or abandoning me). I rode with a driver 2ce this week at a worksite out of town, we got along....but I had this fear making me duck and dodge reality--meaning I was constantly making him laugh. It became uncomfortable for me through my days, but what COULD I do differently? I'm sure they'll call me back next week, so I'm....just doing my norm of being afraid now :/ .
Something did start breaking through Friday--I'm not sure I wrote this down--oh, I did some. I wrote about "letting go". OF3 was breaking through my fear of being real, and I felt sad in the possibility of losing my battle to hide it (from myself). I've done this for decades, so it changing me felt very saddening. It was quite a shift from me laughing and joking, so my driver noticed, even trying to encourage me a few times. My job was difficult, I thought I was airing a "giving up" mentality doing it, but what I was giving up was much more my real focus: being constantly afraid of changing and letting go of my old beliefs. OF3 was kicking in, and this was on my 3rd rest day. Execution is such a good thing.
Now, I'm feeling fear (on and off after listening to loops), so I'll end this here. Lots of emotion rising.
I'm reflective now, connecting childhood memories with present circumstances. Feeling like I shut down my growth in childhood. Like I stopped. Just stopped. I'd hope for a salvation at times, but fear held me back from hoping for or seeking it. I learned to put on a "nice guy" mask so people wouldn't leave me. Fear always remained. Fear also f***** me up by keeping me in that exact same spot. If people weren't leaving me, I'd leave them. I think I've put myself in more pain from imagining an abandonment than ever experiencing them. That is 100% true. My thoughts were my reality, and fear has been the pain-making rudder on my life journey.
I've been watching my reactions to people this week, and my intuition has seen me repeatedly act out in fear (to avoid people rejecting or abandoning me). I rode with a driver 2ce this week at a worksite out of town, we got along....but I had this fear making me duck and dodge reality--meaning I was constantly making him laugh. It became uncomfortable for me through my days, but what COULD I do differently? I'm sure they'll call me back next week, so I'm....just doing my norm of being afraid now :/ .
Something did start breaking through Friday--I'm not sure I wrote this down--oh, I did some. I wrote about "letting go". OF3 was breaking through my fear of being real, and I felt sad in the possibility of losing my battle to hide it (from myself). I've done this for decades, so it changing me felt very saddening. It was quite a shift from me laughing and joking, so my driver noticed, even trying to encourage me a few times. My job was difficult, I thought I was airing a "giving up" mentality doing it, but what I was giving up was much more my real focus: being constantly afraid of changing and letting go of my old beliefs. OF3 was kicking in, and this was on my 3rd rest day. Execution is such a good thing.
Now, I'm feeling fear (on and off after listening to loops), so I'll end this here. Lots of emotion rising.
I want to be FREE!
