07-10-2021, 01:11 AM
Day 6
Running 2 loops--ultrasonic
Fear.
Fear popped up as I began getting closer to writing here and beginning my loops. I even downed some coffee 5 minutes ago to squelch it some. Self sabotage in play.
I'm mentally wanting to act out an old role of playing helpless, an old internal tape. Damn, it seems hard to leave old ways. And fear grew (just saw this) when looking either backward or forward, not at the present.
I'll share what's prompting this. My bitcoin miner had traded for me a bit last year, and we lost almost everything we put in. I don't trust his trading. He shared about some liquid swapping of alt-coins on Binance making 100% gains in 24 hours, sharing the returns were guaranteed (he shared some personal returns of his own). I had some cash, and cautiously only put in $100. The plan worked. I sent some more, and it doubled as well. He then quickly suggested we keep going....and it triggered intense fear since....I heard the gambler in him: he used the word "trade" again.
I didn't have enough info, and I told him so. I was blunt. Then, this morning, I shared he'd said "trade" when we were liquid swapping, and I wouldn't trade with him. Words are important, so I sought clarification and did so bluntly.
Me replying like this triggered an old fear of abandonment in me, a major force presently in my life. From even before finding IML, this fear has steered me. Me playing nice with anyone and everyone is rooted in this fear. "Nice guy" behavior is all a product of the fear of abandonment.
Let's see where this goes. I'm still nervous.
Running 2 loops--ultrasonic
Fear.
Fear popped up as I began getting closer to writing here and beginning my loops. I even downed some coffee 5 minutes ago to squelch it some. Self sabotage in play.
I'm mentally wanting to act out an old role of playing helpless, an old internal tape. Damn, it seems hard to leave old ways. And fear grew (just saw this) when looking either backward or forward, not at the present.
I'll share what's prompting this. My bitcoin miner had traded for me a bit last year, and we lost almost everything we put in. I don't trust his trading. He shared about some liquid swapping of alt-coins on Binance making 100% gains in 24 hours, sharing the returns were guaranteed (he shared some personal returns of his own). I had some cash, and cautiously only put in $100. The plan worked. I sent some more, and it doubled as well. He then quickly suggested we keep going....and it triggered intense fear since....I heard the gambler in him: he used the word "trade" again.
I didn't have enough info, and I told him so. I was blunt. Then, this morning, I shared he'd said "trade" when we were liquid swapping, and I wouldn't trade with him. Words are important, so I sought clarification and did so bluntly.
Me replying like this triggered an old fear of abandonment in me, a major force presently in my life. From even before finding IML, this fear has steered me. Me playing nice with anyone and everyone is rooted in this fear. "Nice guy" behavior is all a product of the fear of abandonment.
Let's see where this goes. I'm still nervous.
I want to be FREE!
